It turns out my lovely brother is a cheating b******

[adaloveslace]

So I've just discovered my twin brother - who I had thought was happily married and has three kids - has had an affair. Not only has he had an affair, but his OW is pregnant.

His wife knows about this because he has told her, but he says he love his wife, wants to stay with her and for their relationship to work.

It is a mess, and he is callous, selfish and a total idiot, but he's still my brother and all I can say in his favour at the moment is that he does appear to realise the enormity of the cock-up he has made of his otherwise happy life.

He has no-one else to talk to, so I'm going to do what I can to help him through it (although I know if it was one of my friends in the situation I would probably tell them to run a mile from him.)

My question is, how do I even begin to maintain a relationship with his wife while still supporting him? We're not very close - I like her a lot, but we live on different continents and so contact with family on both sides is sporadic (this is their decision, rather than the family back home's).

I feel absolutely terrible for her and I have asked him to ask her if I can call her (she's had to change her number because of calls from the OW - long story). To be honest, she probably doesn't want or need me in her life but I am worried about maintaining a relationship with his children if they split up.

I adore those kids, despite barely seeing them over the past few years (again, not my choice - I've had small babies and haven't been able to travel to see them), and am very worried about them. I'm also very worried about my brother's mental health and I'm devastated for his wife. They have both had unbearable sadness in their lives in the past, and the move to the other continent was supposed to be a new beginning. She is understandably emotionally fragile and needs this betrayal, I'm sure, like a hole in the head.

If you were her, would you want me to stay the hell away? Would you appreciate a call to say that although I love him, I'm ashamed of what he's done and that I feel for her and what she's going through, and am here if she needs anything?

I can't even begin to get my head around what will happen if the OW continues with the pregnancy - that's a post for another day, I suppose. I'd appreciate any advice, especially from someone who has been on the other side.

Can you email her?

I can't, unfortunately. Part of the reason the contact has been so sporadic in recent years is that she doesn't work and won't use FB or ever check her email, and so the only functioning email in the house is their daughter's. We do Skype, but that won't work because of the kids. Thanks for the reply though.

Gosh what a mess

I would pick up the phone and call her. And say exactly what you said in your post. If that was me, i'd love to hear a friendly voice.

She will of course naturally understand your position. IMO it's important that all the children (cousins) maintain a relationship. And I'm sure she'd miss you your family too.

There is an MNer in the wife's position currently, her H left for the pregnant OW. Her SIL, H's sister, contacted her to offer support, and she was happy to hear from her. Does that help?

Bloody iPhone

So will be keen to keep in touch. I'm sure she might feel pretty isolated at the moment due to the betrayal, I'm guessing you doesn't want to lose anyone at either.

Thanks jaffacakehips. The cousins maintaining a relationship is what I really want in the long term, and I'm worried that if they split up and stay living where they are - ie on the other side of the world - it will be very difficult to keep in contact with her, especially if she's angry. As she has every right to be.

Oh, what a mess.

Thanks OldLadyKnowsNothing. That's what I was hoping to hear. There is no chance of my brother leaving DW for the OW - at least not judging by what he's saying to me. I have no idea whether DW will stay with him though. I don't want to get caught in the middle but I want her to know I feel for her, whatever she decides to do.

Just say what you've said here. When my DBil's wife left him, we stayed in touch for a while and I still speak to her parents... We were never close but went through a lot together, her parents looked after DH and I when we had difficult times. We've drifted apart now, but if they had got back together I didn't want her to think we had totally sided with DBil and hated her even though we did if I were your DSil, I'd appreciate the gesture and would like to know you were rooting for us as a couple.

This will sound archaic, but you could write a letter. She can read it, or not, as she chooses.

I don't think anyone is ever hurt by an offer of support or a kind word, even if they don't take it up. It's lovely that you're thinking of her.

I think in her shoes I wouldn't mind being contacted to be told she has your support, what would irritate me though would be 'you will still let me see the children won't you?' as though you care about her as Gatekeeper of Cousins rather than as a person.

Not suggesting this is the case - just thinking out loud.

I'm sure your SIL doesn't want that either. She's cross and upset with DH, but mostly I'm sure she feels hugely embarrassed. This sort of happened to my BF and she said ultimately the worst thing was that everyone knew and she was mortified by her husband behaviour.

I'd offer your support, if she doesn't wait it just now than that's okay, maybe the children can Skype but I'm sure she'd love to hear from you all.

IIWY I would read Linda J Macdonald 'How to help your spouse heal'. It is a good insight into how SIL feels, and will give you guidance also on how to help your brother.

What did he say to OW? Did she hit that difficult situation where she woke up to discover (as per Chandon) that he actually does love his wife and she was a diversion?

I've been the betrayed wife & am now working things out with H.

What particularly upset me during the time we were separated was a comment BIL (H's brother) made - apparently, he claimed I dominated H.

I felt by saying that he was justifying his brother's actions.

Now that we are working things out, I recently sat down with BIL and told him how I felt and what I thought.

BIL and I have always had a good relationship so we were able to have a frank discussion.

What I really wanted to hear at that point from his family was that they had at least pulled H up about his behaviour, told him he had hurt his wife and children and other family and friends. That he needed to do everything he could to try and make it up to them.

Yes, of course you will always support your brother but there is a difference between supporting him & condoning or making excuses for his behaviour, I guess and that's what I would have liked to have seen or heard from my ILs,

Thanks, everyone, for the replies.

GladbagsandYourHandrags you're right in the sense that I'm sad about how little contact I have with their kids as it is and I am worried about how this could deteriorate more in the future if their relationship falls apart. But I am also - and at the moment, predominantly - worried about her and how devastated she must be. The access to the kids thing is a concern and a conversation for the future.

ladyWordy I have considered the letter option and if she doesn't want me to have her new mobile number, that's what I'll do.

Thanks again, all of you. I never really believed the whole 'he's a good guy who did a bad thing' thing, but I can see myself being a lot less black and white about other people's relationships in the future.

Spree that's really interesting to hear. Thank you. I told my brother today how I felt about his actions and that while I loved him and would be there for him no matter what, my sympathy is entirely with his wife. So I will make sure she knows that too, if I get to talk to her.

I also told him he needs to get his finger out and start convincing her that he loves her and doesn't want to lose her before it's too late.

I'm way behind on a massive work deadline because of all this today, but thank you everyone for the advice and I'll check back in later.

When I was in a similar situation, I would have welcomed support from my partner's sister. Instead, she refused to speak to me, ignoring me in public social situations, as well as at family events, not only embarrassing and hurting me, but also baffling me.

She told me later that she had done this because she knew about OW, and did not know how to react with me, so her way of coping was to simply stop speaking to me.

It caused me a huge amount of distress, when I would have welcomed some friendly support, or even a few kind words.

My SILs (eventually) contacted me when I was in your SIL's situation. They were put up to it by PIL, but they said what I needed to hear - that they weren't about to step out of my DC's life and that if there was anything they could do etc.

I really appreciated it. It's bad enough to lose the marriage you thought you had, but if his entire family then cut contact it's easy to think that they are taking his side, even if it's just out of embarrassment rather than some twisted blood-is-thicker sense of loyalty.

You sound lovely, btw

I would call I don't think friendly words of support can ever hurt. I'm sure she will be feeling very isolated in addition to everything else so I think letting her know you're there and love the children etc can only help. You sound lovely btw x