She is a good friend but she lies. is it worth?

[complexo]

We have been friends for over a year now and our children get on really well. I've seen her lying to other people before, really silly things like telling people she has a GP appointment when she doesn't want to meet up, this kind of thing. I was expecting to be lied to as well and have the feeling this has been happening but couldn't quite prove it until last week when I came back from my holidays and suggested a quickly catch up at the end of afternoon at the playground close to hers. She replied few hours after saying that her child would be until late night in other's friend's house. Than another friend calls me later and says that she has been to the park and saw few friends there and mentioned lier's dad with lier's child and the other friend she was supposed to be having a play date with. So I felt liar made unnecessary excuses to me as clearly her husband went to pick up her child and her child wouldn't stay at friends house until evening I think. Than yesterday she sent me a link asking my opinion about something she wanted to buy in Argos. Today I invited her for a day out with us and she said she couldn't because she needed to go to an Argos shop (1,5 hours away by bus) to buy her thing there, they didn't have it anywhere else. So I checked the website again and yes they do have it in our 2 nearest Argos specially in the one close to where I invited her to go to...and isn't a coincidence that she has a friend who lives exactly where she is going today?? Honestly I really don't mind to be turned down I understand people are busy I don't think she is keeping me away because we already arranges to meet on Wed after school. But her behaviour puts me off tbh, I think it is childish and I feel I can't trust. Sorry it is long. Anyone with an opinion or similar experience?

I had a friend like this, she was a manipulative liar and she exhausted me. Lie's ranging from why we couldn't meet up (she ALWAYS cancelled) to saying she was having an 'affair' with one of her DPs mates yes, in her head!

She's now dropped me like a tonne of bricks because she's no longer with DP who's friends with my DH. When she was with DP acted like I was her best friend but as soon as I'm not convienent to her anymore, that was it.

I probably sound bitter because she caused me so much drama after I'd just got married, I had a very bad bout of depression - obviously she wasnt the sole reason but definitely contributed.

The telling thing for me was when she found out I was pregnant, her interest level was zero. I decided that was it, was fed up with this fair weather friendship which was grinding me down and have cut all ties, feels a relief to be honest and am nervous she'll try to get in touch once the baby arrives.

These sort of friends are toxic and can really have a negative affect on your life, I say get rid! :)

It's bugging you and that's reason enough to distance yourself.

Although I think many (immature) women carry on like your "friend", frankly I can't stand it. It's just so stupid, and is very disrespectful, too. If you don't want to do something, just say so.

The other thing I hate is when they blame their husbands - "Oh, I wish I could go but Grant will be working late" sort of thing.

Complexo, might be a Latin thing. I tend to say what I think and feel and in an Anglo Saxon world it is usually frowned upon and my truely British friend hint they'd like more diplomacy if possible... But then again, I don't have many true British friends, more acquaintances and they tend to find me hilarious (in small doses and at arms length) due to exhorbitant honesty...
I understand what you mean though. One "friend2 who shares the same CM and whose kids adore DS and vice versa told me off during the 3 weeks holidays, depsite living 200 yeards away ont he other side of a playground that her kids used too, she managed to never once call me up on my offe rna dle tour kid splay together. I can't stop thinking, why, why would oyu make such an effort to avoid someone? I felt sorry for poor old DS, he has no friends because his mummy is not popular with the other mums...

dysfunctionalme - it's not immature. It would be very immature to say, "I don't want to meet up with you in the holidays because I have nothing in common with you, and my child doesn't like playing with your son because he keeps karate kicking him and he swears."

Sometimes people need to take the hint.

dysfunctionalme I disagree, I usually try and say something non commital like 'I can't do that day' but sometimes people are quite insistent and don't, as LittleFrieda says, take the hint. It's much kinder to say 'I'm busy with work/out that day' than say 'I like you but I've seen enough of you lately, I'd rather sit at home and watch daytime telly than spend the day with you' (which may be true!)

I hate people who say 'get your diary out, are you free on X day?' because then, if you don't have a prearranged event, you are obliged to go to their event which you may not want to attend. I have no compunction about lying to these people, because you should always give people a graceful exit, no one is obliged to go out with you and it's rude to back them into corners.

LittleFrieda - no, that would be rude. Honesty and rudeness are not the same thing. It is quite reasonable to say, "Thank you so much, but I've noticed the boys have not been getting along so well lately, I think it would be an idea to give them a break." I would said exactly this sort of thing in the past and maintained my friendships. Children go through stuff, it's normal.

Mumsyblouse - I don't see anything wrong with "I can't do that day." "Can't" covers a multitude of reasons and is perfectly acceptable. A person who can't accept that has a problem.

have said

Lying can reallty get you down, so why bother with this friend when you can cut her out of your life? And if she asks, I would tell her why.

I have a male friend who lied about not having a girlfriend for three years. He lied to me and the group of friends we all socialise with, went on holiday with us and made remarks about being single. Presumably he thought we might introduce himself to someone new. He was also very skillful at lying by ommission- staying silent when asked a question and so on.

But if you say, I can't do that day, that suggests you can do another day and they will ask, what about tomorrow, or the day after that. Much better to say you have something else to do, and they will get the hint. Unlike the OP. grin

Then say you don't want to. What's the problem? "I love going out with you guys but this just isn't my thing, so I'll pass on this occasion." I've said that sort of thing to people and do still have some friends! Anyway, if they wouldn't take no thanks for an answer they're not the sort of person I want to be friends with. Pushy people don't float my boat.

Annieget - but you are just talking about opting out of things you don't like, rather than saying no to outings/meet-ups with individuals you don't like. It's not the same thing at all.

Yes, that's the whole point I was trying to make. The OP is on the Argos website trying to catch her friend's 'lie' out. That's a level of interference I just don't think you should go to: if someone says I'm going to X, then accept it and do something else. Checking up on people when they have given an explanation is not ok.

Well now I've read the Wendy thread I think you should probably just distance yourself from her. I can't be doing with liars at the best of times; but people who lie about such stupid things could lie to hurt you as well - best avoided, IMO.

My mums best friend for many a long year has this behaviour embedded in her life to such a degree that fact and reality very rarely merge.

E.G.
Went to a wedding (claims to hate weddings but never turns down an invite) splashed all over FB "simply marvellous, such beautiful people, the job" etc.
Related to my mum that they all looked like "Biafrans and were such knuckledraggers etc.
Often I have mentioned to dear mater, if she can tell such unbelievable dirty grea3t lies, what makes you think you are on the safe list?
"Oh she is my best friend"
Don't be doing this for the next 40 years. These people do not pick targets, they are indiscriminate and never take it personally. They lie as they breath, seriously.

Well I still don't see anything wrong with checking Argos website to confirm she was a liar because now I know I should protect myself and my daughter against have arrangements with them and she cancelling at last minute (not the case on the OP but has happened in the past. I'm totally fine with - no thanks I'm busy - but don't lie to me AND worse it is not a good example for children. Anyway I don't mind if some people will come here and say I don't get the 'hint' or I'm 'pushy'. Maybe if she wasn't such a liar saying I'm her best friend, she adores my company I wouldn't ask her to do anything. I think she is a good person and I like her a lot but her lying really makes me insecure : eg: she wants a play date tomorrow after school, I can't tell my daughter in case friend doesn't show up and can't arrange anything else with other friend in case she does. And I don't mind even people cancelling either as long as the are not treating me like a mug. As for been Latin : I'm latin, friend is latin, Wendy is latin and Wendy's friends are latin, we are all from the same country there are not communication difficulties issues whatsoever. I feel sorry for my British husband and In-laws though....they still get a bit shocked when I tell it how it is, but I'm not rude.

Drip feeding now, I'm a CM and last year around Chsitmas time I got extra work and needed an assistant, she was a nanny and had just being dismissed, I took her as my assistant, had meetings with her to make it clear the days and times I needed her, she turned out to be so unreliable and giving me headache from day one, so many excuses and dramas that I promised to myself never to work with an assistant again. But I kept the friendship because I genuinely believed in excuses at the time.

Well, now, that gives it a different tone. Flaky and needy? That level of unreliable, putting your buisness and income at risk is a massive no no. Obviously has no sense of honouring commitments even when it is a working relationship. Beyond rude. You would be right to give her wide berth, don't be a mug if you feel a mug. This is not friendship. don't get drawn into her weirdness because thats what it is. Very unpleasant and for my own part, would have let things lie following such a let down re work!
Don't question yourself. Try some of her poor lying on her and see how she likes it.

I have recently cut someone out of my life like this and it feels good. I have seen her lie time after time to other people and over the phone etc and actually i find it hugely corrosive. She didn't lie to me about not meeting and things it was more a competitive sort of thing even over my childrens' really serious medical stuff - it was really disturbing. My DH put the final nail in it for me as she is super needy I found it hard to distance myself from her but she offered a month (not asked offered when she knew we had the invite) to babysit my dcs so we could go to the reception in London in the evening. She pretended her children were ill......... unfortunately for her I had seen her going into Ikea a little time ahead of her texts about the deterioration of her children over the afternoon. She actually cancelled 45 mins before we had to leave and we missed the wedding completely............. Sadly for her her DH had told me a few days before they were going to Ikea that day (she was pretending by text to be at home), I assumed she would be around anyway as she confirmed a couple of days before but she found something better to do and let us down. To use her children in such a way was sick. A few weeks after she sent me a text telling me her son had been so ill it was 'touch and go' overnight although they were coming home that morning. I cannot imagine how one can have a child close to death overnight and then be discharged first thing in the morning. Just horrible and manipulative and so so pleased she is gone from our lives.

Walk away OP - a liar will always be that way. Anyone with that major lack of morals is not someone you should have anywhere near you. It seems lie small things he is lying about but essentially she has no respect for you.

Me to i had a mate who lied all the time one thing that used to piss me off is she used to oretend she owned her own home she lived in a douncil flat on a estate

She also met this guy who she claimed he would be a millionare by 34

the last straw for me when she told me her son won a scholership to the a bording school in actual fact she had shipped him off to her mums on london her oh hated her son i marked the wedding invite return to sender and never spoke to her again

She even used to lie aout her size i FRIGGING hate liars it erks me no end

Are you quite pushy OP? I used to have a friend who wouldn't take no for an answer unless you had a valid excuse therefore a few GP/dental appointments were often fabricated.

I think checking up on the Argos situation is just weird. It makes you sound a bit scary.

As I said manuy times before on this thread I take no very well but I'm hate lies, ops, excuses.....anyway, reflecting on all that I reallised we have completely different life styles: Me: wow, what a beautiful day, let's get the children out, sweaty and tired before it rains again...- She: I'm gonna turn the tv on just a little bit and check my facebook, ops it is too late to go out now.

Complexo, you sound very much like my friend and as you have pointed out perhaps you are just too different.

Huuum, thinking about asking few more straightfoward friends if I'm pushy or not, I really think I'm not pushy but it will be interesting to know how other people see me.

I can sort of understand the Argos site checking. Given her history of lying, it irked you and you wanted to know whether your suspicions were founded. Much as women do when their husbands are cheating.

Lying has no place in a good friendship.

Thing is, it's bugging you and that's reason enough to distance yourself. I wouldn't do the "you lied" thing though. There's no mileage in that.