Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

appropriate/inappropriate DP female friendships - am I being too suspicious?

21 replies

barmygirl · 03/09/2012 14:14

Hi - I was just wondering what others thought of this situation, as it's been bothering me all over the weekend.

Basically, my DP has a female friend he met through work; they're both teachers and worked in neighbouring classrooms. Apparently, he would spend a lot of time chatting to her in her room and they got on really well. She's now left and they are facebook friends. They seem to talk a lot on there but nothing that I get to see.

At the weekend, he was supposed to be doing some work and was at his PC at home. I came in to bring him a drink and he very quickly closed the F/B screen which had messages from her on it. He said, 'oh,we were just talking about our new schools etc' But why close the screen down like that as if he was worried I might see something?

He also asked me to look up a book for him at the library on Saturday and when he told me the name it was something that was massively out of character for him. I knew immediately it was something she'd recommended for him to read and so asked him why he was interested in it. He said, 'oh, just interested.' I know his reading habits very well and that was NOT a convincing answer. I tried again, and he still wouldn't tell me. In the end I said, 'XX suggested it, didn't she?' and he said 'yes.'
Obviously, I don't have a prob with that, but why the secrecy? I asked him that, and he said 'because I didn't want this sort of thing to happen' (ie the discussion and the questions etc). But why not just be open about it? It felt like he was hiding something from me.

There have been a few other little things that make me wonder; things that taken together are making me a little suspicious - am I overreacting or is he perhaps hiding something? I just feel a little worried about it all!

OP posts:
complexo · 03/09/2012 14:19

Keep watching. I like to keep few secrets from my H, it is harmeless to him but satisfactory for me. Makes me feel like I'm an individual.

DameEnidSpink · 03/09/2012 14:23

If there was nothing to hide then he wouldn't have hid the screen.

This would have triggered my spidey-senses a little tbh.

Mama1980 · 03/09/2012 14:27

Tbh the fact that he hid the screen and was evasive about the book......would ring alarm bells for me. No need to be like that if it's all innocent j don't always tell dp everything but do so if he asks iyswim

Malificence · 03/09/2012 14:29

I think you're right to be concerned, sorry.
Secrecy has no place inside a healthy relationship.

complexo · 03/09/2012 14:31

It also depends if you have a history of jealousy. I've lied once because I knew H wouldn't understand and be jealous whitout reason I swear to God. He found out at the end and we have rows about it until now so I was right all along. And had to give up my male friend from the sake of the relationship. It sucks and it is not good for the marriage. I wish I never lies and stood up to myself and said at the time I was gonna see friend suck up or leave. But I'm not saying you H is innocent just giving you a perspective.

barmygirl · 03/09/2012 14:34

Thanks - will def keep an eye out.

The thing that bothers me is that me and him started out as friends online and he stepped over the boundaries with me on occasion, and I later found out that he was supposed to be in a relationship with someone else (I figured it out; he didn't actually tell me at first). She then got suspicious of me and him and made him cut contact with me entirely. They then spilt up and a couple of years later he got back in touch with me (at a time when I was separating too) We're now together.

I feel, well, if he's done it once already, how do I know that he's not over-stepping the boundaries again with someone else? He is a bit of a flirt, loves attention from anyone, and does have a lot of female friends (they seem to gravitate towards him and he helps them with a lot of their problems)...
I have no issue with him having female friends, it's just the way he seems to want to hide things from me (and he's not very good at it either!) Maybe he just likes that sense of being wanted/needed/valued by others and because it's often women he tries to keep it from me cos he thinks I'll be jealous?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 14:35

If history is repeating itself, that's always a danger. Why not tell him to invite her round for supper. See his reaction. If it's a genuine mate he'll be fine about it. If they are skulking about, he'll run a mile.

Looksgoodingravy · 03/09/2012 14:41

Alarm bells would be ringing (recently gone through the pain of finding out about dp betrayal) Your dh closed down the screen so he was hiding something from you, something he didn't want you to see. Do you have access to his fb account, does he share his password with you? If your instincts are telling you something isn't quite right, listen to them. Has your dh been distant with you lately, phone attached to him?

There shouldn't be any secrets in a healthy relationship, you should have been able to read what was on that screen, he may be starting a EA with her.

stargazy · 03/09/2012 14:43

No-one likes to feel their every move is under scrutiny ,no matter how close the relationship.Thats why when my DH had a couple of female friends at work that would send him jokey texts and banter and bits of info relating to work on a regular basis I never breathed over his shoulder when he was on his laptop,or looked on his phone.Not once.
Turns out one of these women was a good, a genuine platonic friend.And still is today, and has become a friend of mine also.
But OW was texting him way more than I realized.Then altered her hours at work to enable lunchtime meet ups.Then started telling him she loved him and sending sexually suggestive texts.And he kept on responding.All this built up,over a period of months and came to a sudden conclusion when her DH looked on her phone.
In hindsight there were several times when I felt a touch uneasy about this woman and her familiarity with my DH.Only in hindsight could I identify these and wish I'd trusted my instincts more.Turns out the flirting between them intensified massively around the time he stopped mentioning her altogether and I never made the connection.
Hope its something and nothing but keep watching.Guarding his PC does sound suspicious to me, but maybe that's because sadly I'm older ,wiser and more cynical than I used to be.As you identify its the secrecy that's the problem in these situations.Don't let him turn your natural reaction to question that secrecy against you and make you feel you're in the wrong.Especially if you've always been reasonable before.And without accusing him try to ask how he would feel if you behaved the same way regarding communication with a former colleague.
Hope it gets sorted.

complexo · 03/09/2012 14:49

Yes red flags and narcisistic behaviour.

complexo · 03/09/2012 14:53

M ex H was a cheater and always will be and he does need tons of female friends around him to help him out and stroke his ego.

barmygirl · 03/09/2012 14:53

Thanks guys.

I have met her and she does seem like a lovely, genuine woman; but, as you say stargazy, things may end up in different ways than they started...
(for eg, she has avoided doing things with DP when she found out I was going to be there, when there was no prob with her being there as far as I was concerned! Even my DP found that odd, too.)

Ah well, it's good to know I'm not being neurotic and I shall keep a 'quiet' eye open!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/09/2012 15:10

She clearly thinks the relationship is inappropriate if she's avoiding you. He thinks it's inappropriate if he's being secretive. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck therefore. Sounds like you need to have the same talk with him as his ex did when he met you....

Houseofplain · 03/09/2012 15:15

I think it kinds like history is repeating itself tbh.

They are both avoiding things, hiding things. That is where the issue starts.mas you know.

I know you'll get loads of people telling you to snoop, wait it out. But why? Hes being secretive already. He's got form. Why wait until he does something physical, or gets sexual. If he hasn't already? Just nip it in the bud now or tell him to jog on. Whichever.

joblot · 03/09/2012 16:15

Why hide fb, seriously you'd only do that if there was something you didn't want others to see. That alone makes me uncomfortable, as it has done you. I'd ask to look at their conversations- if innocent, whats the problem?

twostraightlines · 03/09/2012 19:40

She may be lovely, but the fact that she's avoiding you sounds like she probably fancies him. He may fancy her back, or he may just be loving the attention.

Whichever it is now, it could easily develop, especially as he has form.

Did you ask him why he hid the screen? Have you told him that given the way you got together, him having such a close, private relationship with another woman makes you uncomfortable?

TurnipCake · 03/09/2012 19:44

I would trust your gut and sense of unease on this.

I was in a similar situation (partner who loved female attention, had women flocking to him and one 'friend' in particular who he ended up cheating on me with). The signs were all there. He once had a FB message window open with a colleague of ours which is quickly closed. I later found out he had been trying to secretly meet up with her while we were still together. Maybe I'm just too cynical to all this, but I'd trust those niggles you're getting.

complexo · 03/09/2012 22:22

Whatever you do don't ever show him you are jealous of this particular lady and never tell him you think she is attracted to him as it will add fuel to the fire. Been there.

barmygirl · 04/09/2012 14:02

Thanks again guys.
Yes, I think he does love the attention and conversely he would go mad with jealousy if it was the other way around (ie me doing the same thing).
I think I might talk to him about it at a good time, just to let him know that it bothered me that he closed the screen down so promptly when I came into the room.

Thanks for your support!

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 04/09/2012 14:13

big red flags barmy.

What sort of partnership do you have? Live together? Children? what money do you share?

Warn him that he is doing what he has done before, and that you will not tolerate this.

Ring her and let her know you are aware and not happy, and tell her if she wants him to take him off your hands, openly instead of behind your back.

The thrill is in the secrecy of acting on attraction. You cannot compete with that in any way shape or form, so stop the secrets.

Abitwobblynow · 04/09/2012 14:13

PS spell it out. If he acts on this, he will be moving out/losing everything. It WILL happen.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page