Writing to the doctor before husband's appointment

[atosilis]

Is this OK to do? Will the doctor read it or ignore it? My OH has got a yearly check up with the doc following his stroke. How I see the conversation...

Doc - How are you?
OH - Fine thanks. (wrong)
Doc - Are you keeping fit and walking?
OH- Yes, thanks. (wrong)
Doc -What's your alcohol intake
OH- A glass or two of wine at the weekend (make that a bottle or two PER DAY at the weekend)

You get the picture.

I want the Doc to realise that OH is becoming more and more antisocial and isolating himself. He won?t attempt to cut back on food or alcohol as ?the tablets take care of that?. He is getting depressed and has no friends.

This weekend we had a huge family get-together which he wouldn?t come to as he couldn?t sleep where he wanted. The awful thing is that he is now saying that I refused to let him come. That is insane and I want to tell the Doc that OH needs counselling or a firm word. I have read that statins can cause depression and irritability and the Doc needs to know.

The appointment is tomorrow morning.

Could you phone instead?

Hmm, it's tricky because you want to contact the doctor out of concern. Ultimately though I think it's his health. Have you asked him what he will tell the doctor when he is asked those questions? Do you think he is in denial?

My father was similar when he had high blood pressure and would lie to his doctor about his alcohol intake. I would always question him on this and ask if he didn't think it was a problem, why did he feel the need to lie? Maybe you should try speaking to your husband about that, and bring up the idea of antidepressants if you think they might be a good idea.

Why not go along with him? You're assuming what happens at the appointments when it might be quite different. Also, if you go behind his back even with good intentions, that's not going to help his state of mind. Go along for support (you'll probably have to insist) and you can chip in.

I don't think the dr will say much to him, on the basis of a 3rd party writing in. What can they do anyway? They see this all the time. They can't help people, who don't want to help themselves. Or will be honest with the dr for themselves.

The doc might understand your concerns but it won't alter the consultation apart from to add information.

GPs think statins are wonder drugs - and for many they are. However for my father they sent him spiralling into depression and last year was suicidal, needed in patient treatment. The irritability and memory loss also common side effects. However his GP refused to listen to him and dismissed any suggestion that it was the statins causing the issues. Luckily his doctors at the hospital are a little more knowledgable and he now doesn't take them. Does your DH still see anyone at the hospital?

There is no way in hell OH will let me come with him. I just would like the doc to discuss depression with him as I understand it is a side-effect of statins. He seems to be walking straight into the next stroke, not making any effort to change his lifestyle which helped cause the first one. We are having awful problems at the moment and I don't want the doc to think OH is energetic and full of the joys of spring! OH even lies down to eat. I rarely see him vertical.

Definitely worth making a call about the depression.

PandaNot - No he doesnt see anyone at the hospital. I think this appt is a medication review and the doc needs to know that he is depressed, irritable, forgetful and - for want of a better word - lazy. I will pass out if his cholesterol is high and he gets higher doses.

My MIL routinely writes to pil's GP pre appointments FIL has.

Along the lines of "x will say that his knee is fine, but actually..."

Or

"x has been waking shrt of breath for the last few weeks and coughed blood up. He probably won't mention this."

She always signs off with "UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES TELL X THAT I HAVE WRITTEN TO YOU".

I don't think it can hurt. I'm not sure whether the letters impact on fil's consultation. But he's in his 80s and is stubborn as hell and MIL loves him to bits - acts only out of concern for his health and in the knowledge that his leg could be hanging off and he'd say it was a scratch.

Unfortunately I think you could tell your GP all those things and unless he is a very enlightened GP they will still ignore them and carry on with the statins, because they prioritise the low cholesterol over everything else, especially mental health. My dad actually told his GP that he'd had suicidal thoughts and he told him to come and see him again in a fortnight. To say I was fuming was an understatement. The only thing that got through to the GP, regarding statins, was when the hospital reviewed his medication and my dad actually said directly to them that he didn't want to take statins anymore. He's like a different man now, the change is unbelieveable.

Far from you having 'awful problems at the moment' which implies that this a recent development, there's a long back story here and you are continuing to delude yourself if you believe that your h's GP is going to be able to resuscitate the corpse of your marriage by having a 'firm word' or changing his meds, atosilis.

I would suggest you make an appointment with your GP to get the help you need to stop self-harming and engaging in drunken brawls with your h.

Your h has chosen his path and the time is long overdue for you to walk the road that will lead you to a brighter and infinitely more fulfilling future without him.

I would think its absolutely fine to inform the GP of your concerns. She may not be able to "do" anything, because of patient confidentiality, etc but it may help her in terms of understanding anything your husband may bring up. (And of course his health will probably be affecting you, assuming you are her patient)

I can't believe that an intelligent man feels that he can scoff and drink because the medication is doing the work. I can tell him until I am blue in the face to cut back on the fat and alcohol. He needs a Doc to tell him this - any randomer on the street would help! If it comes from me then it's crap or nagging etc

Maybe he isn't intelligent then? Or does not care? Which if it's the latter no one telling him will change it, until he does care.

I know where you're coming from izzy. Put it another way, I think it might be dangerous if his dose is upped because the Doc thinks he's fine mentally/emotionally.

No, he doesn't care.

When someone is in denial nothing anyone says, regardless of their qualifications and/or status, will make any difference or bring about any change, atosilis.

You know this because you are also living in a state of denial which leads to you self-harming when the harsh light of stark reality causes you to seek relief from your intolerable situation.

Get help and get out, honey. It's the only way that you'll become whole again.

So it won't make a jot of different then.

I think you hit the nail on the head with he doesn't care and anyone on the street can help with this.

Its unrealistic to think the GP will alter things and he will only advise re healthy eating, exercise. BP checks, Diabetic checks and cholesterol...as that is the most significant stuff.

The rest is up to him

Frankly, given one of your recent posts, I'm far more concerned about your health than that of your h.

It seems to me that you would both benefit from time apart; it may give your h the impetus he needs to take himself in hand and it would give you opportunity to reflect on whether it is in your best interests to stay locked in the vicious circle of mutual loathing and hatred that is your marriage.

please write. believe me as someone on the otherside of the picture l would read the letter and although l could not discuss the outcome of the consutation, l would attempt to bring up your concerns.

If you do write such a letter you're best advised to exhort the doctor to treat it with strictest confidence because if the content is revealed to your h it will serve to fuel more drunken hatefests.

Hmm, sits and ponders. Thanks for all the advice.