DP seems to have lost interest in me (sorry long)

[HelpMe2012]

Hi I don't know if anyone can help me or offer any advice or help me see what I'm doing wrong or not.
I have been with my partner for nearly two years and lived with him just over a year. In hindsight maybe we moved in together too quickly?
His children stay with us every other weekend. I have no biological children.
When we first got together, he was exciting and passionate and I worried I wouldn't keep up with him sexually.
I totally understand there is the "honeymoon period" - but I didn't expect our physical and intimate relationship to distintegrate to pretty much nothing.
He's gone from one extreme to the other. Now unless I instigate anything (which is usually dismissed or pushed away) the most physical contact I get is a perfunctory kiss goodbye when he goes to work.
He does have a physically demanding job, but he had the same job when we got together...
When we got together, I was a confident independent career girl, and gave this up when we moved in together, to start my own business (which he encouraged), which hasn't been altogether successful.
Things I think might be putting him off- please agree or disagree.

1. I have put some weight on but I am on a diet and exercise plan and aim to have this off again in the next couple of months.
2. My confidence has diminished since leaving a job that gave me regular affirmation of my worth, and my business not doing so great ahs knocked my confidence also.
3. I'm still not much better with his kids than when we got together and find it a knock on my "womanhood" that I am not a natural mother, and struggle with stepmotherhood, plus don't want biological children of my own.
4. I feel financially dependent on him - I am looking to admit defeat on my business, get a full time job again, and maybe this will increase my confidence as well as giving me the security in my mind that if we split up, I could financially stand on my own two feet (currently I couldn't afford to rent a one bedroom flat and pay the bills).
5. I don't really understand the demands of his job (a family business) and basically feel so down the bottom of his priority list - his kids and job (then the gym, his computer game, even housework) seem to come before me... He just seems completely disinterested in me on any sort of intimate or physical level. He is definitely not gay, and is very much not a cheater - we have always said and I really do believe it that we would finish with each other if we had feelings for someone else. I feel so worthless to him like if I left he'd just carry on and not actually be that bothered. Unfortunately, this is knocking my confidence further... Please help but please me gentle as I'm feeling quite delicate :-(

All the reasons you gave for him losing interest are about you. Why?

Have you asked him what's going on?

Hi thank you for replying. I suggested things I could think of because I can only say what I know about me, I can't speak for him.
When I've tried to discuss it he gets very defensive and says he just doesn't feel like it, or that he's tired.
I'm scared to push it. It's his busiest time of year at work right now, and I'm worried that he'd just snap and end it as he hasn't got the time or energy to talk properly right now...

I meant to add that in all other respects he is a lovely man. He's not nasty, controlling or abusive. I just feel like I have a room-mate not a lover :-(

If you're unable to talk to him about it that's a very bad sign. What makes you think he'll just end it?

Hi. I am 31 and he is 32.
I actually had a job interview on Friday, hoping to find out today or tomorrow...
I just know his work situation right now leaves him with little energy for anything, let alone a deep and meaningful conversation.
I do feel I need to gather my thoughts and opinions and ask to have this conversation with him after this period at work as he literally has no say in his hours right now and is very irritable and tired and the conversation wouldn't be as productive as it would be at a better time...

Why are you listing all the things that might be wrong with you, and might have out him off? You should feel cross at how he is treating you,discuss it with him, and see if he's worth staying with

I agree with cybbo. That's why i wad wondering why you were listing all your "faults" in your first post. You seem to think it's your duty to keep him happy by being what he wants. Is that the case?

He may be under stress with work too, t failing to communicate that. Men often shut down, making the woman feel like its her fault

Choose your moment and tell him you're not happy with the state of your relationship, rather than what you can do to put it right

I'd agree with Cybo - it does seem that men often shut-down when facing stress. Maybe there's something really stressful going on at work that he doesn't want to share with you because he might feel that you'll think less of him for it? A lot of men feel that they have to be perfect and a provider etc for their partner, and if they're not able to achieve that (temporarily etc), they feel she won't want them. Maybe he's pushing you away for that reason? It could be a temporary situation and once he's less stressed things will improve. Not fun for you while that happens though....

It does seem that being unable to really talk about it is the big issue. Is it likely soon that things will ease off for him at work? Perhaps approach the issue then?

Hope it's good news re the job interview...

Well I got offered the job and I start next week. Independence step 1.
We had another row night before last becauase I tried to talk to him when he was tired and because my touching him annoyed him. Left to him there would be no physical intimacy bar a perfunctory goodbye kiss in the mornings.
I do feel obliged to try harder because he is a farmer on a family farm during a difficult harvest and I think my trying is keeping us together atm while his priorities, energies and interests are totally elsewhere.
Just sad at feeling invisible and that I could be doing naked star jumps and he wouldnt notice...

Well done on the job - I think it's important that you gain independence. You are not married and are very financially vulnerable. I would always advise women to remain independent.

How did he react your your job news? It maybe the stress of work but I have family in similar roles and I don't believe they close down to the degree he has. 2 years is (in my experience) the time when a relationship either fails or takes off so it could be a sign that this relationship has run it's course.

You are very young so don't settle for any relationship..if he won't engage with you then you can't resolve the issues.

I think your assessment is right, unfortunately. Wouldn't matter in a stronger relationship with someone less shallow and who genuinely adored you, but it obviously matters to him that this different you is not what he signed up for. It's not your 'fault' obviously. Change is inevitable. However, I think the thing has run its course and someone needs the courage to end it.

I don't think you are wrong to regain your independence at all, and think you are very sensible (and courageous) to admit that the business isn't working> I would say, though that this has been one of the worst harvests in living memory due to the rain, and he may be facing extreme financial pressures. Perhaps not, but it's worth bearing in mind, but he sounds grumpy, depressed and irritable, which would fit.

Having said that, do you really want to hang around with him if he's going to be like this at times of stress? Only you know the answer. I would regain your independence, move out and live separately, and see what happens. He may come through this period a different man, he may not, if you set yourself up again I think it will be easier to work it all out.

I was just going to ask if he was a farmer!

My DH (and most of my family) is a farmer and although he says that he is not, he is very stressed at the moment as the weather this year has been shocking and harvest isn't going as well as it should be. You mention whats knocking your confidence but have you noticed any changes in him? Has he put on weight? Done something wrong at work?
Well done on your new job.

Thank you everyone.
Ultimately, I don't want to break up with DP because I love him.
But what I have to weigh up is that the him I will get is a farmer with 4 children. I need to figure out if I can cope with his kids (albeit it only every other weekend) for the next 15 years, and harvest and its ties every year...
I love him, the sex is always very good when I do get it, and he is normally a lovely good hearted person.
I think I need to see how I feel when I have started this job, and how his behaviour changes (or not) once harvest is over...
I always put up with the bits I didn't like because the rest was so good, but right now I'm putting up with the bad bits and not getting any good bits to balance it...

When exactly did the honeymoon period wear off? How long has it been that he has been behaving this way? I worry that this has very little to do with harvest, that's just an excuse, and that you've been lured in as live-in nanny and housekeeper for his four children with sex on the cards when it suits him

you sound like you're sensible and already on the right track. congratulations with the job
I think as your confidence returns with the job you'll feel better about yourself. I'd stop focusing on 'what's wrong with you' (nothing) and start to focus on what you can do to make yourself happy - hobbies, things you've always wanted to do, girly weekend away, that sort of thing. Build up your own confidence and then see how you feel about him from a stronger position.
Is there anything you could do together as a couple (eg going to gym)?

I think honeymoon period started to end after I'd moved in... but really worsened after I left my job. But in his defence that coincides with weight gain and diminishing confidence...
Very much looking forward to starting the job. Think it will put things in perspective.
Do you wise ladies think I should set a mental deadline for things to start improving by?

Is this the first time you have been with him during the Harvest?

Hi Hope - last year was my first harvest but I think I was so busy with my new business that I didnt really feel the full effects of it...

Helpme, i think you may well have hit the nail on the head. Last year you didn't need him in the same way you do this year. You were so wrapped up in your work that he could be wrapped up in his and you were both happy so a physical relationship was natural.
This year he is possibly even more stressed and you are wanting and needi g more of his time.
Glad you have your new job to prepare for. Can you fill your time with other friends till then? Could you even fill the freezer with food and go away for a week?

Thank you. Once I am in the job and can look at booking holiday etc... I may just do that! I have a pony two dogs and a cat so it's not easy to go away but I think you have made an excellent point and will really look to rebuild my own social life and interests. My only concern would be that knowing my luck I'd be out the one night he's actually home and Up For It!

I suspect you may be barking up the wrong tree.

Are you perhaps being a little selfish and needy, or at least is he perceiving it that way?

I suspect that if the weight gain is the kind that is losable in a couple of months, it will be the least of his worries. On the other hand, during his busiest time of the year, he will probably feel that it is "all hands to the deck" and that if you have free time, it should probably spent doing the housework (which you say he prioritises over you!) and making some food for the family, rather than going to the gym.

You say that you are not a good stepmother but you do not mention the ages of the children or what role, if any, both he and you agreed that you would play when you started living together. If there is a disconnect on that score, it would also cause disappointment.

If you are living together and you are financially dependent on him, there has to be some quid pro quo, otherwise you could be seen as a bit of a freeloader. What are you/do you want to contribute practically, emotionally and financially? This does sound like an uneven relationship and I can imagine that if he walks in after a hard day's physical work to an untidy/unclean house and no meal, he could be building up a lot of resentment. And then, after he tidies up etc, for you to then expect him to be available for great sex is a big ask.

OP have you seen this thread?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527707-Any-other-harvest-widows-out-there

I found it a fascinating window into the lives of farmers and their WAGs - I think you'd find it really useful and a source of support. From everything I read on there, this is not the time to make major decisions about your relationship as he's likely to be exhausted and stressed out at the moment.

Congratulations on your new job and well done for being brave enough to admit that the business wasn't working and taking steps to change your situation. If I were you I'd give it a month or two to settle in to your new job and for you both to adjust to the new status quo, by which time harvest will be finished and your DP will be in a better position to talk about all this stuff. Hopefully you will then be feeling more confident about yourself too. Then sit down with him and put all the cards on the table. If the relationship is floundering then it's certainly not just your fault (or his, or indeed anyone's, necessarily!), but it sounds as though you need to talk openly to each other and find out what you both want and need.

Good luck x