Brother od'd (and survived) am so sick of it all.

[chosenone]

Need a rant if nothing else. Apologies if this is just a stream of consciousness. My back story has been on this board a few times, stuffy brother ( mid 30's) draining my families life on and off for years. Culminated in him stealing prescious jewellery of me to pawn for drugs. Had him arrested etc and I've not seen hiim since.
My poor parents stuck by him, although v angry, because they always do, they ffeel sorry for him and they can't let go etc. This w end my DM was called out of work to pick him up from hospital as he had od'd on heroin. He was drowsy but apparently ok to discharge and he just kept saying how stupid he is. My parents are sadly accepting of this incident but I am swinging from crying in despair, frustration to anger so
Strong I could burst. I feel its the beginning of the end, and said as much to mum, next time he won't be as lucky. They are aware of this but usually so hopeful, and apologetic for him. At first I thought I should contact him but I now feel I can not let his negative, manipulate pity party near my family again, he has never apologised or contacted me since the theft and his subsequent arrest and court appearence. So what do I do ? Just be there for my parents.

DRUGGY BROTHER...sorry!!! Wish stuffiness was the issue !

Supporting your parents is all you can do. He sounds like he's past saving and you may as well start treating him as though he's already gone.

I can't really help you or give much advice, but I totally feel for you and empathise with your anger. Yes of course what he needs is to be cut loose and let hit rock bottom but many parents don't feel able/strong enough to do this..

I presume the rehab option has been tried many times?

i have total sympathy, and unfortunately, your parents are doing him no favours. he needs to reach rock bottom and they are preventing him from doing that, best intentions and all that.. but i think you should write him a letter, for you more than him, telling him when he's clean you would love a relationship with him, but until then you can't watch his car crash happen, and have him near your family,only to let you down again. then leave him to it, shit or bust, if he wants it badly enough he can do it. if not there's a grand total of fuck all you can do about it good luck xx

Thanks for the replies. He's not been to rehab as not offered through NHS he has had drugs councelling to no avail. He was put on some sort of drug programme after the theft but it seemed to be drug tests which he cheated I think !?! My parents upset me when they talk of how he USED to be, it is a shame, but really drugs have been an on/off issue for over a decade now, the old him really has gone already.

Another here with addict DB, although he's been clean for just over a year now. I understand the anger. All the fucking lies.

BUT don't give up on him (my DB was in his forties before he stopped). No simple solution.

it's total shite that it's so hard to get into rehab, do they not understand the money they would save in other areas,like crime if they just treated these people properly instead of sticking a plaster on it with counselling. it doesn't work on it's own with serious addicts. my best friend was told she would have to wait 2 years for a place in rehab. she could have been dead by then. funnily enough she fell pregnant and never looked back :)

I totally understand your anger. I was in exactly the same position as you a few years ago with an addict DB and 'enabling' parents who were drained of almost every last savings to rescue him.
Alas, the rescuing didn't work, and my DB died of an overdose. His death has left me feeling very conflicted, I still feel the feelings of hatred and anger but now feel guilty on top of that as he is now dead, and therefore supposed to be above reproach. My parents have of course sanctified him post mortem so the only way I can deal with it is to not think about it.

Sorry, not much help I know.

Sorry to hear of your brother sailorVie I understand the feelings of guilt but nothing was your fault, but I too worry that I will be tortured by guilt as I have no contact with him since he stole off me. However, I do try and follow the mantra read on support forums, I can not control, cure or change him. I feel I have spent many many years worrying and trying to support him thats why his theft from me ended our relationship stone dead. I can not let that draining negativity into my life again and I do not want him in my childrens lives again. However, I will try and support my parents. Bloody drugs, why oh why do people ruin their lives for this shit!

Hve your parents got access to info and support groups re having a drug addict in the family? They are enabling him but it is agonising to step away if there is a very real possibility that your child might die. Parents need superhuman strength to do it imo. The pain of it is indescribable.

Would writing him a letter help? You can tell him that you love him, and miss him, but that the way he is at the moment you cannot have him in your lives because of the hurt he inflicts. That the only person who can change things, is him. If he does get rid of the drugs, you would welcome him back him into your life.

I think writing a letter would do precisely nothing to help apart from being a useful tool to vent. The problem with addiction to drugs is that it makes a person entirely self-obsessed to the nth degree. Nothing and no-one can help unless he wants it himself.
The age old saying of Change has to come from Within.

I feel the constant guilt but even now I cannot bring myself to love the ghost of my dead brother as our relations were so damaged by the end of his life. My parents cannot and will not ever see that it is their failure to stop enabling that killed him in the end. And he continues to be the Golden One forever more.

My parents cannot and will not ever see that it is their failure to stop enabling that killed him in the end.

I agree, and I also believe that by enabling this behaviour, parents are also damaging the other siblings in the family, if any, which I think is v unfair. My sibling is not drug-addicted but has been the same negative drain on my family for years.

I think there were many, many occasions when my parents could have acted decisively as a team but didn't, and I lay a fair part of the blame on them for landing this on me (I'm NC but that doesn't make the problem disappear). Sorry MaryZ, but I have to disagree with some of what you said above. There is no benefit to enabling someone like this.

maryz i know exactly how you are feeling.
my eldest is also on drugs and i am at my wits end with him, not knowing what he has or how he will be from one day to the next. he said to his sister he wants to stop but carries on any way.
we are doing the same as you, trying to make him see sense and trying to limit the damage he does to the family

similar to you OP, druggy brother, but had other issues too.
He is 31 now, and is at least off herion, though still uses cannabis and alcohol heavily.

i made the decision not to see or engage with him any more, because i needed to protect myself and my family. I do not see our mother either for similar reasons. Didnt have contact for many years, tried again last year, but sadly it wasnt to be. no ones fault and i dont feel bad because i tried, it just didnt work.

there is no answer. He may get to an age and stop - he may not, but its not your responsibility either way - support your parents if you have a good relationship with them, but for myself it had to be self preservation.

i know where you are coming from though, i do, and i feel for you.

mary you have my absolute and utmost sympathies - i could never give up on my children either. You have supported me in the past when ive had issues with my DS but i name changed. I think as the mother you are between a rock and a hard place.

for me the choice to remove myself was easy, but it wasnt my boy. had it been, it would be very different.

sympathies to all of you in a similar/same position. I do think it is harder for the parent, mine can not help but enable. My DM gets all his benefits paid to her so she can sort his rent/bills etc. They will always ensure he has food so any spending money goes on drugs! A few years ago when he was really bad and officially homeless and dossing with 'friends' I did everything I could because I didn't want to feel guilty forever more, It was near Xmas and I didnt want to feel guilty every Xmas if he died it was for me and my conscious after a while. My DM would do anything to keep him alive/out of prison so that she doesn't feel guilt/shame. She even used to say he was getting better, doing bits of jobs etc.... The reality was him and his girlfriend raid bins behind Greggs etc and steal clothes donated to charity shops so that all available cash can go on drugs!

somewhere and Mary i feel for you so much. I think its perhaps worth making it clear that you are not willing to put up with a lifetime of heartache, disapointment and pain due to the very selfish choices chosen by your sons. I read somewhere its called 'Releasing with love' so not a dramatic disownment but a case of making it clear you do not want to engage with a drug user, bail them out, pick them up from hospital, pay off dealers etc due to their lifestyle choices. Very sad for all involved.