Anyone feel "disappointed/cheated" in how their relationship/life has panned out?

[mummatotwo]

I do.........

after a passionate, sweep me of my feet romance now married one gorgeous DS ... life is now well disapponting.

In debt (his), scrimping and scraping, hardly talk to each other, no SL, just so miserable.

Nothing like I was lead to believe

Its life I suppose, it sounds like my life!!!!!

What have you done to address the problems; debt and SL?

Well I guess you at least had the romance & luuurve bit, some people don't even get that. Did you know about his debts when you married him, or has he run them up since?

I'd get shot of him, it sounds like he is rather hard work. You already have one child - you don't need another.

it was all roses around the door, very intense, treated like a princess, fabulous presents at christmas, birthdays....felt so lucky to have something no one else had.

15 years on - in debt, due to him being over drawn, running up credit card debts just being rubbish with money - this happens every couple of years and Im left to sort it all out - never has anything to show for it.

Im just fed up with it all I feel as if I have sooooooooo much pressure on me, very little respect from him and just so darn right miserable hence relationship is strained etc....

just feel very let down

Can kind of see how those two things are connected though - fabulous presents and debt.

There is more to life.

Undoubtedly the problem is to do with intimacy as well as respect. I don't think anyone can continue in a relationship where their partner disrespects them and where the intimacy has gone but I wonder what you've tried to do to solve it?

well, if he was practical and careful with money, you'd never have had lots of roses and fab presents! he's true to type, though respect thing is an issue, if it was there before but not now.

Yes totally cheated by life

My neighbours just had baby all her family have been helping her out and her sister who also lives on our street and mother have been in and out cleaning bringing meals etc for a couple if weeks . All her family were gathered round waiting for news in her sisters house and they are all exited and happy

Made me feel absolute crap I've been saddled with a family who don't give a shit they disapprove of me have never come to my house or even sent a congratulations card for my ds's births let slone visited me. I feel rubbish that I'll never have such a lovely happy time as I was horribly stressed and did it all myself both times even walking ds1 to school when no2 was 48 hrs old cause there was no one else to do it I can never get that time back

Just kind of sums up my life I'm stuck at home cause all my wages would go on child care dp works away 85% of the time and is bugger all good company/help when he is.

I have no freinds, I was bullied badly as a child and as a result I've always been wary of people I have acquaintances but no one I could invite round for a coffee or have a night out with

Dp wants to get married but I refuse to even though I've wanted to since I was little reasons being I don't have anyone to invite , don't even have anyone to invite to a hen night , he wants a big do and we can't afford it but he won't agree to a little do as it wouldn't be real his mothers a control freak as in she turned up and wouldn't leave when dc1 was born even though I was out of it on drugs I just remember her saying he needs me here to me and I was too out of it to tell her to go and no one did and then she took the baby after the birthand held him for ages and I had to ask to hold him. Oh I could go on .. And I couldn't take her ruining my wedding like she ruined my Dcs first birthday party, oh and he kept saying in a couple of years when x happens when y happens now he wants to get married in just saying no as I don't Think it's fair he should have it all his way

So basically I'm so lonely have no family or freinds to turn to and barely leave the house cause I can't afford to do anything as I have to scrimp and save for the ds's stuff highlight if my day is the school run how fucking sad am I? 27 and this is my life can't actully remember when I left the house last without a dc let alone actully did something for myself sorry for the rant

nope and this is why

Fizzybee, you need to get a part time job, in a shop if possible where you will be seeing folk all day. SO what if all your wages go on childcare, you would be out meeting people and having a life of your own. You might not be better off financially but mentally would make a big difference.

I had a part time job in a shop it was a nightmare with child care most pt posts round here want weekend shift work and it ended up with me making a £20 loss on working I can't afford to do that

I'd live another job but a, no ones recruiting as every weres going bust
And b, no one wants someone who has to be picky about hours for child care
C, I was accepted in to a college course I had to decline as there's at least a 5 month waiting list for getting into a nursery let alone getting all the days I need

If im getting wages I'm not getting tax credits (which I get and dp gets his wages) and if I'm paying all my wages on child ate I can't afford for my kids to eat

And I'm not eligible for the tax credits child care help if I work as well as dp as our income would be too high if I do the required no. Of hours to qualify but if I do less hours all the child care comes out of my wages but will still lose my tax credits

I would love a job but I've looked at every avenue it's just not possible unless I can earn a good wage which there's no jobs going round here

How can you be 'cheated by life'?
There are no guarantee's... we dont choose to be born because we are promised something, we're just 'thrown' here unbidden and have to get on with it

is 'life' an actual self conscious entity with whom you made a contract?
Or just an anthropomorphic device, like 'mother nature'?

Fizzy can you volunteer at the school? Or if your youngest is too wee then toddler/playgroups? Is there no local groups on fb even if its a buy/sell where you can get chatting to other folk? Why not invite some of the other mums from the playground round for coffee? What about this neighbour with the new baby? Two of my best friends I only met through another friend.

I can understand why people do feel like this. Cheated that is. I was very badly abused as a child. Never loved. Passed round various people that hated me and did not want me. Sexually abused. My only use apparently. I will never have a loving relationship with a man or have children because of this. I can't trust. My whole family are dead. No mother, father, grandparents, brothers, sisters - nothing. I am totally 100% alone in the world. Except for my cats :) I lost my old career which I hated and stuck out in misery for years. I tried my best to change and retrain and now have just lost my new career as I can't pay my tuition fees at uni. I can't find a job. I've looked for 8 months. If nothing changes I will be eating out of dustbins soon and I am losing my home which I love and feel so safe and secure in. I live abroad so no benefits and no easy way to get back to the UK. How can I rent a flat with no money and no credit rating? I have no friends in this country. No-one to hug me and tell me everything will be fine. I can't stand physical contact so no loss but the concept is nice and I sometimes feel cheated others can enjoy this as a comfort. I have required an operation for the last year and am in pain daily. Again no money to pay for it! And it has meant one of my great loves - exercise has been impossible - which has caused me to put on weight which I hate. If I compared myself to others I would probably kill myself I think. For all I lost as a child and an adult. For all the happiness I could have had but for a quirk of fate and the family I was born into. I don't though. I stopped that long ago. It does no good, but its hard when you see virtually everyone in life has love and affection from other humans except for me. You can't miss kids running down the street or couples holding hands. Ordinary things everyone takes for granted but which are denied to me.

BUT. I am happy :) My life is falling apart but I am happy. Stressed yes, however I appreciate the things I have. I appreciate my cats and the voluntary work I do at the animal shelter while I can't find a paid job. My neighbours are lovely even though some of them I can only communicate mainly thorough mime! I love what I study at uni and one day, somehow I WILL finish my degree. I enjoy sitting in the park reading with the sun on my face. I have loyal friends that even though we may not speak often, I know they love me. It can be hard to be happy and not feel cheated, but in some ways I am happier for what I have - that I have learnt how to be happy as I think no matter how much some people have, they simply cannot learn this.

Maybe I was different to you OP in that I was lead to believe I was worthless, stupid, everyone hated me. I had no expectations to be disappointed about. I hope you feel better soon :)

See I don't think you can be "cheated by life" really, you can feel you have unfairly missed out on things but no-one is more in control of your life than you. Do something about the parts you are unhappy with!!

not cheated here, but I had ridiculously low expectations!

Skinned - what a story! Whenever people have a whinhge about this and that, they don't really know how lucky they really are. You would be a great therapist or life coach.

What is SL?

Sex life I'm assuming.

Thanks Frontpaw :) I am very lucky as in my horrible job I got the therapy I needed which has totally changed my life and way of thinking. If you objectively have bad circumstances it is incredibly hard to be happy and positive, until you learn how to do it. And then its still hard at times. I agree with Offred that only you can change your life - but you do need a bit of luck along the way sometimes :) And it can be hard to hang in there until that comes along.

mummatotwo - have your feelings, then make a plan. You don't have to stay in a situation you are unhappy with, you are allowed to change your situation and create a better life for yourself.

You only get one life, you might as well make it work for you.

I suppose it boils down to my answer when DS wails 'its not faaaaaaiir'. I say 'who told you life was fair?', or when anyone says 'my life hasn't gone to plan' and I point out that there is a plan, but it just wasn't the one they wanted.

You need to think about what it is realistically you want that will improve your life. OK, so you can't decide to win the lottery or rustle up a gand of loving relatives but there are things you can do. I find I am far happier when I have proper things to do - not just the laundry and cooking. I work, which helps, but when I was redundant and had to take long holidays, I was climbing the walls for part of the time. Even worries seem a little less when you have something to focus on.

The honeymoon period does wear off so you need to focus on your relationship as it is now - more responsibilities and hassles. Being 'grown up' is a real pain in the backside, but its life, I'm afraid!

Write a list - what you want and how it can be done (maybe in stages). think about where you want to be in 5 years time. Debt free, new home, another child, new job/career... Think about what is realistic and score out what is pipe dreams (or put them to one side for further consideration later, or maybe think of a way around it? A friend wanted a farm... couldnt afford to buy one but ended up saving really hard, selling up and buying a wreck of a small holding. It worked out because she changed her dream. She now has a far of manageable size and a barn convertion which is puerly her taste). You need to check out if your ambitions are the same or similar to your DPs.