I really think DH would be happier without us

[belindarose]

He doesn't seem to enjoy family life at all. We have DD (3) and DS (9 weeks). He does love the children, but they seem to be such a chore for him. For instance, DD came to our room at 7.20 this morning, after sleepin all night. He groaned and moaned and tried to get her to go back to her room. I got up with her as I think that's a perfectly respectable time! Also, she deserves to have somebody cheerful with her!

He thinks the holiday we're going on next week will be 'too hard with them both'. It's his parents' (free) caravan for four nights. He's got a week off work beforehand...

He seems pissed off all the time that DS cries. He doesn't cry much, just has episodes, usually in the evening, when he screams a bit. I have him in a sling usually and he calms down.

He won't want to do anything today (except play on the computer). I've started to organise things for the children and me for ourselves and say he can come along if he wants (trying not to be PA about it).

I don't complain about the lack of time to myself (none at all - but that's to be expected with a tiny baby around).

I've been depressed in the past and am taking ADs at the moment due to antenatal depression. It's gone now and I'm not depressed. The AND was due to anxiety about how I'd cope with a new baby and DD, knowing, really, that it would be like this. He will put it down to depression if I try to talk to him about this. Beginning to think it's he who is depressed, but he'd never accept that in a million years.

I don't really know what to do. Just put up with it and carry on with the children as I am? I am a SAHM, many miles away from family.

belindarose I could have (and have) written many things in your posts about my dp.
I feel the same, that he would probably be 'happier' without us here.
My dp is lazy, selfish arsehole most of the time.
I do everything and I mean everything (apart from pay the bills, he does that.

We have 2 ds's. 5yo and 3.6yo and they have been bloody hard work!
i went onto AD's after ds2 was born, having 'dealt' with PND alone after the birth of ds1. I got to a place where i just realised I wwasn't coping and went onto prozac for about 3 years but have recently come off them. I am doing well, I'm not depressed just really fucking fucked off. All the time.

So, from the minute I went on mat leave with ds1 (before that I'd work 15hrs a day 9am til about midnight and did very little in terms of cleaning and housework, as i wasn't home much), I have been doing all the washing, ironing, housework, food shopping, cooking, childcare and so on.
He does not one thing.

I've tried to talk to him a number of times about how I need help and that it's not fair that it is always me left to look after the dc's alone.
On days he's not working, he'll stay in bed until well after midday.
I did used to wake him up but you know what? My life is more stressful when he's around, getting all stressed and shouting because the boys are 'fighting'.
I even packed my bags once and left.
Everytime we've spoken about it, well I say 'we', I mean I he doesn't respond much but says that he can't do much because he works all the time. What the fuck does he think I do? Sit on my arse all day doing fuck all whilst the floor cleans itself probably.
he came home from work and sat down and that was it, would stress out because there were toys on the floor but wouldn't offer any help to tidy up.
Now's not much different.
he works nights a lot now. Will get in at about 6:30 am, go straight to bed and then get up about 5pm.

Last year I went back to work because I couldn't hack being at home anymore, so I spoke to dp and told him that I wanted to work but that he would need to help me at home. i told him that if I earn a bit of money, he won't have to do so much overtime and could spend some time with the boys.
He agreed, so I found a nursery place for ds2 that I could afford on my salary and i started work.
Silly me got a job with children, so now there's no break from it!
So now i work full time, do all the washing, ironing, cleaning, housework etc, look after the children after school and weekends, do homework woth them, cook dinners every night, study myself and he washes up.

If he's up on a weekend and I say "can you take the kids to the park so I can clean/cook/study in peace for an hour" he gets the right ump. he'll go but he won't be happy about it.
then when I get really worked up about not having time to myself, he starts with his speech to make me feel guilty saying shit like "I thought you'd like to spend time together as a family. I miss you, thought we could all go blah blah blah" so then I end up pushing ds2 on the swings whilst he sits on a bench. Quality family time that is.

I know this doesn't help you belindarose but when I saw your posts, I got a bit worked up and needed t5o get that out.
You are not alone.

So when are you packing your bags again Silverymoon? When you're already a single parent to all intents and purposes, time to make it official.

He might be better with them, enjoy them more when they are older? No suggestions really, sounds tough on you.

Tell me about it Cogito I got really close a couple of weeks ago, but I don't think I can afford to be on my own.
My family aren't local so it would mean pulling the boys from school/nursery and losing my job (which I love) so I'm sticking t out.
I do love dp and think he loves me, I often wonder though because surely if he did, he'd not want to see me struggle.
He thinks I'm being UR and i think (most of the time) that he's a selfish twat.
Although he does work about 50/60 hours a week so there is little time for him t9o do anything else.
he finished his shift this morning, got in at 7:30, and isn't back to work until 7pm tomorrow. he is in bed now and will probably be there until 4ish. Then get up, watch the telly whilst I play with boys or catch up on the ironing, then I'll heat dinner (have just cooked it) and not long after that it will be time to get the boys ready for bed.
He'll then watch tv whilst I try to finish up tidying and do a bit of studying, then we'll go to bed, I'll be wrecked, he'll be fine and he'll want to see some action.
Not likely.

needsomeperspective yes I know many women who struggled to face up to the responsibilities of having young children. I was one of them, I hated having a newborn, on the whole. In my experience, which may be limited I admit, the lives of men are less disrupted by babies than the lives of women are. That's just the way it is. In this case, I think it is a gender issue.
I know that there are many, many good and responsible fathers out there btw

I said something along the lines of 'oh that looks nice. I like it when we both do the chores as they get done quicker'. Not as formal as that, obviously.

Baby is ill now - it may be a family trip to the hospital for us today.

Oh op my DH can be like this sometimes :(

like he hates doing "family stuff" he seems happier when its just us 2 even though he loves the dc, he prefers doing couple stuff.

mine does do 50% of childcare, cleaning, cooking etc though so thats a big positive i guess

so no real advice sadly but you are not alone in this x

op,how many hours a week does he do?
Is he alert enough to do his job properly and safely.

And if he does help with chores,do you then do then have time to do fun stuff together as a family,that he might enjoy too.