I think I want out. Don't know what to do.

[hersuit]

Been married 5 years, together 12. 2 DS aged 2 and 4.

I just don't love him anymore. I like him a lot, he's a really wonderful person but I don't want to kiss him, or even hold hands, let alone have sex. We've been going to couples counselling for some time. It's our 2nd round as the first time a few years back was disastrous. We've identified & worked through some problems but I just can't get past this feeling that I don't want to be with him.

Our lives have been very difficult the last few years with a sick child, huge financial problems, work stress (we have our own business and work very long hours together). I had bad PND after 2nd son who was also very sick & had to have a lot of surgery & distressing physiotherapy in his 1st year...but all that is passed &, shitty finances aside, much easier now. We've managed to separate our working lives too so we're not in each others pockets so much, and I've had CBT & counselling as well as ADs but none of that seems to be helping.

In fact, since I've been feeling so much better about myself (I have always hated myself & thought I was horrficially ugly) it seems to have got worse. I now believe that there could be someone else for me and I've also become a LOT more interested in other men. To the point of very distracting fantasies about men I know :/

I know it sounds a bit wierd but I feel like I have a whole new lease of life in terms of my self esteem, and nowhere to put it. I cannot bear the thought of touching or kissing my husband, yet am weak-kneed at the thought of that sort of carry on with other men. I'm a bit worried about all that too, it's very unseemly...

Mainly I'm worried about the amount of upheaval us separating would cause, for our children mainly of course, I can't bear the thought of how distressed and hurt they would be. And for him too. He's a lovely, gorgeous, kind man and deserves better. And both our families too, they;d be so upset. And financially it would send us into bankruptcy.

So it all seems a bit ridiculous. But at the same time, am I depriving both of us of the chance of being happy with someone else? I know he still really loves me & would be heartbroken if we split. But this is no life really, constantly getting the cold shoulder...

Help me please. I'm so confused.

You sound depressed to me - sometimes the effects of PND can linger on. I wonder if you could talk to your GP? I should think you're pretty tired with two young children. Lack of sleep also doesn't help. Are your working hours manageable?

Would having a break from each other help? Perhaps if you could get away for a few days and have a breather you might find you miss them all!

If you can hang on until your children are at school, you might find things change for the better at that point. However if you think you have made up your mind, you might find this useful preparatory reading. It might help you to get a bit more perspective about the practicalities:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Planningadivorce/DG_194401

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

Wow, thank you. It's all a bit daunting to be honest.

I don't think I am still depressed, we've finally settled on some ADs that are working for me & the CBT was great. This is the problem really, I'm running out of excuses for our relationship not being good.

The final excuse I have is that I have problems with intimacy. This has been diagnosed by our current counsellor & makes a lot of sense, not just in my relationship with my husband but in loads of ways. So we're working on that but I don't hold much hope really :(

Well things may evolve - but it would be wise to start reading in the meantime I think. Good luck.

I don't think you're depressed. Sometimes events barrel along without too much conscious decision-making and, before you know it, you're married to the last nice lad you went out with and have a couple of kids & a mortgage. Then, one day, you grow up, wake up, realise you're not happy even though he's still a nice lad, wonder how you got where you are, think about the next 50 years being the same and want to get out. Were you quite young when you first got together?

FWIW You don't sound like you have "problems with intimacy" to me. That's usually code for 'you're with the wrong man'. My exH would tell you I was 'frigid' whereas my current boyfriend would be scratching his head at that description right before taking his vitamin pills and bracing himself for another marathon session. LOL!

Wouldn't waste any more time wondering what's wrong with you. Make the break and get yourself out there.

In my experience people often become distant from their partners when either depressed or even when on the ads.

I spent years in my twenties with a man that, like you, I had lost all attraction for. Like you, I didn't want to upset the apple cart with friends and family, and felt sorry for him, and was worried about how he would cope financially without me etc etc. I never married him because I just KNEW I couldn't - actually used to have nightmares about our wedding day and me rushing off down the aisle afterwards to get it annulled!

Anyway - I finally made the break - very messy - very long drawn out - and within months of living on my own, was so much happier I couldn't believe it.

Granted, we didn't have children in the equation, but yours are young, and handled well, I think it is better to go now, than years down the line... both you and your husband deserve better.

Good luck. I wish someone had said this to me back then.

Thank you all.

What you say makes so much sense. Just not sure I have the strength to do it right now. The guilt would be awful too- it breaks my heart to think what leaving would do to him. I think younger is better for the children though...argh!

Cogito, we were each others first sexual relationship. First relationship full stop actually.