I need to get this off my chest...about my mum..so disappointed. LONG.

[windmillpond]

I am the eldest of 2 children. My mum has always been a difficult character. Very intense, full on with love, or full on with anger, or some other emotion. No real shades of grey. I was (probably obviously) a very compliant child and have always done as I was told, as I was/am a bit afraid of her - she has what I can only describe as temper tantrums. But, well, she's my mum and I love her.

My dad died about 6 months ago after a short fight with cancer. Mum and dad were a very balanced couple, with him being the total opposite of mum, and he held her in check most of the time (or at least away from me)

Mum's emotions have, understandably, been up and down a lot since dad died and as I live closer than my younger sister, I have been mum's main source of support, though she is starting to rely on me a lot less these days.

I am married, with a young child and am pregnant. I feel, in myself, very emotionally "closed", though other people say I do not come across like that. I am balanced, though do have a short temper (esp. in pregnancy) - and due to my emotional "closedness" I am unable to properly assess how I ought to be feeling, hence asking you for your opinion.

Mum keeps in contact with my dad's mother (my paternal grandma, who is in her late 90's and going strong) - although they have always had a tricky relationship. Mum feels sorry for Grandma and so invited her down to stay with us for a few days (with my consent, as Grandma would be staying in my house). the care of grandma was to be shared between me, my mm and my sister, though I realised, and appreciated that the main care of her would fall to me.

Grandma arived a couple of days ago, and mum instantly had a row with her and said "I don't have to put up with this these days" and stormed out

My sister came over and helped me look after grandma, she is physically able, but needs to get around in a wheelchair, and can't hear well so talks over my daughter when she talks etc - so it's a bit difficult juggling everyone's needs if I am alone. DH also helps me now as its weekend, but works in the week.

It had been agreed, before mum having her flounce, that Sunday we would potter around home with grandma, and possibly have a family roast in the evening, Monday me and mum would take grandma and dd out for the day, and tuesday mum would look after grandma as i needed to get back to work (self-employed) and she goes home that day.

Mum has since said that she is no longer helping me as she cannot bear the woman, has booked herself to go out all day on monday leaving me with grandma and my daughter to entertain all day, and has also said "it won't hurt grandma to spend Tuesday by helself until I collect her for the aeroplane"

Obviously I won't leave grandma here alone, she lives alone and likes seeing us - so I will not be working on Tuesday.

I feel so utterly let down. DH is fuming, he would have taken a day off work to help me get around with everyone if I had planned it that way, but I believed I had a bit of help. I cannot quite believe that mum would be so selfish to dump ME, never mind about grandma, she should be helping me, her daughter, as I am the one who will be upset, grandma probably couldnt care a toss who looks after her. Especially as I regularly go out of my way to make sure mm is okay, and looked after, even when I have other things I want to do.

Mum is also being short and a bit mean to my daughter, and TBH right now I don't want her around me.

I have just had a conversation with mum about monday and it ended with her telling me she is inviting herself to the roast dinner here tomorrow night. Right now I could honestly cook and carve my mother for sunday roast - how fucking dare she think she can come for the good bits, but leave me to cope with the bits she doesnt want?

I guess (if you've read this far) I want to know AIBU? And how on earth should i handle my mother? Would it be better if i just ignored her childish tantrums and ignored her - told her there is no roast tomorrow, and perhaps we eat with otu her (this is what i am most minded to do) or do i confront her and tell her exactly why she has let me down, how i feel and the fact she has upse my daughter too? This makes me feel like it the RIGHT thing to do, but i doubt she will elarn, she will cry and be a bitch to me until I apologise

help please?!

Wow, what a tough situation for all of you. However, you need to bear in mind that it is only six months since your mother's husband died. I don't think a confrontation right now is the best thing for any of you.

Can you be the 'bigger' person, focus on your grandmother's needs (she has lost her son), keep calm, be nice to everyone, maybe do a very simple lunch that won't stress anyone out (say to your mum, we are just having a snack/salad but you are welcome to join us ........ or something like that).

You sound a lovely genuine person, I hope it works out for you. .

YANBU. I honestly think you need to get your brave pants on and get assertive! She is being a bully and sorry to say this a pain in the arse! Tell her her behaviour has been unreasonable and even though she finds her MIL difficult if she felt anything about you she would just get on with it. Then let her stew. Being assertive is about just needing to say how you feel. At least you will feel better for standing up for yourself! Remember she has more to lose than you it might just work. (but be prepared for it not to work)

I would be inclined to say 'but you don't want to see Grandma, so come to lunch next week, or we can meet in the week when she has gone'

I wouldn't want to witness my mum be horrible to my grandma. What does your dsis say?

I'd try to go out for the day.

Wow, hard one. I would let it lie for the time being. Let her come for the roast. Talk to her after grandma's gone and after you've calmed down a bit, and say you felt very hurt by her behaviour. Try and make it how she has affected you, rather than her being childish or selfish. She is probably still grieving which will affect emotions more than usual. Also, try and get to the bottom of why she got so upset with grandma. Who knows what grandma said to her? My GM was horrible to my Mum but lovely to me. Be really gentle, but do let her know you felt hurt and disappointed and that it really put you out/ made your life very difficult.

Perhaps seeing her deceased husbands mother is just too much for her to cope with right now? No excuse I know, but it could be too hard a reminder?

Other wise agree with ragwort!

thanks for your opinions :) I didnt speak to mum again yesterday, but she sent a text this morning to see if I was alright

I replied later on in the day to say everything was fine, we'd had a very busy day and no time for roast, but she was welcome to join us for a light meal (sausages and chips ) - she came and ate, and was good company.

She is not coming over at all tomorrow (and tbh as much as I'd like some help, I would prefer her not to feel "forced" or her moods are much much worse, and I get all stressed and pulled in toomany directions)

I did tell her that she needs to help out on Tuesday though so I could get a couple of hours work done, and she did agree to do that, so at least I will get a small bit of respite

Someone asked what my sister thinks? My sister is very good with mum, because she doesnt spend a lot of time with her, when she does see her, she is able to say how she feels and if she thinks mum is being unreasonable - she is lucky in a way as she can just drive away from any tantrum and not be in touch or bump into her regularly like I do. Mum then comes crawling to her, so we do have very different reationships between us.

I am a naturally assertive person, but I do hate causing tension, and as mum causes a lot of my tension I try and keep the peace, to my own detriment - though hopefully I was assertive enough for her to realise that she does have to pull her weight on Tuesday.

Thank you for all of your advice, I did take each and every piece on board, though the conflicting advice (be the bigger person, she is grieving vs go out for the day and she is being a bully) are exactly the same arguments that go around in my head

Hopefully I carved a middle ground between the two sets of emotions and for now, at least, peace is restored.

Hi. My father died about five and a half months ago too and it does leave a big gap. I just wonder whether seeing her MIL was just too much for her. She might also be worried about MIL talking about her son (your dad) and didn't want emotions woken up. I know my mother is very wary of rousing her emotions at the moment particularly if my DC are around - she doesn't want them or us to see her upset. Perhaps she was just on a massive avoidance thing. Hard for you. I think you've managed brilliantly.