I don't know where to start

[takingiteasy]

Dh and I been together for ten years, married 4. 2 ds's 6 and 4months

Generally good, volatile at times with shouting but no brooding. Also never really talk about stuff as much as we should.

Dh been very busy since ds2 was born 4 months ago. I feel very alone, struggling to cope. I suspect I've got pnd. I've spoken to dh about this but he never seems to listen. I need to go to the doctor and I will.

Part of the reason he's been so busy outwith his normal work is his parents have bought a new house and he's doing a lot of work for them.

He left to go to theirs at 9.30 this morning and took ds1 with him. I asked him to hang on to let me get a shower. He said no 'I'm having a cup of tea and a fag' which is typical of him really. He is hands on when it suits him.

So he went and I feel resentful at another day alone with ds2. I know he's not on a jolly but I still feel that way. The plan was I was to go up with ds2 and both boys were going to stay overnight. I'm happy with this. I had bad day with ds2, only sleeping in on arms, a lot crying, suspect teething. I hadn't got dressed all day and had to get stuff together for ds2 going away. I seemed to hit hurdles every time I tried to do something. I felt useless, ds screaming every time I put him down. I couldn't find car keys phoned dh crying and he told me to stop making my problems his. I kept phoning him back, I was crying and we shouted at each other I told him I couldn't cope and wasn't brining ds up. He calls me back being all reasonable and saying things like if your depressed it's nothin to be ashamed off. His mum had heard the phone calls and he said she was worried about me. That made me feel worse, I didn't want to go up, I'm embarrassed she heard me shouting and crying.

Dh left and phoned me again, I didn't want to drive the 40 minutes through the city but I would have loved a night of. I've made such an idiot of myself. He said I was out of order and ds2 is stayin but his mum was really looking forward to seeing ds2.

I don't want to face them.

I'm angry at dh. He's went to a friends house and not even came home. I've told him not to come home.

Sorry ds1 is staying

Oh lovey you sound very stressed and tired.

It's hard if you do not get much help from him, is he affectionate with you when he is home or is it always business like at the moment?

Could you have an evening out with him soon or plan something nice at home such as dinner together?

I think you're just struggling. Perhaps he has gone to a friends to avoid confrontation. But hiding from the issue won't help either Where is your oldest son now?

I argued a lot with my H after the birth of my second child. I had depression but it hadn't been diagnosed yet. You at least recognise it. I couldn't see the wood from the tree's at this stage. Your H does need to try and support you a bit more though.

Have you contacted Homestart? That may at least give you some respite in the day.

He's staying at in laws, ds2 in bed eventually.

I feel like such an idiot.

We were meant to have time tonight but I've ruined it but I'm angry with him and the way he speaks to me.

Not seeing the wood for the trees is so right

Part of me thinks getting rid of him will solve my problems but me admitting I have pnd is seen as a sort of get out of jail free card like it's down to that I'm upset and not his behaviour.

You're not an idiot. Things have built up and the dam burst so to speak; not being able to find the keys after a day of an unsettled baby and then his comment "stop making my problems his" which was inconsiderate to say the least was bound to cause you to get upset.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

I'm embarrassed that it came out in front of his mum.

You may feel awkward about your MIL overhearing but she has been there herself with a young baby. Try not to let it bother you and be bright and breezy next time you see her.

Can she look after DS2 sometimes? Give you a break?

You could go and have a pedicure of a hot stone massage or something. You deserve a treat.

I think your H and you need sometime together, can you have one night a week which you spend together over dinner with no tv etc.

I'm assuming he is normally a good man and that his thoughtless comments are occasional though? If that is the case, this isn't insurmountable.

or a

Is he normally good? I think so. Not perfect but since ds2 has been born I feel like he's doin everything in his power to avoid me. Helping mates, fixing cars, at his mums doing stuff.

He's lazy in the house. Our arguments are volatile and there has been violence on both sides.

"violence on both sides" What do you mean by this?

You both sound under immense strain right now

In the past when there's been arguments there's been some pushing and shoving. I've thrown things at him.

I see. Not ideal

Have you spoken to him since earlier again? I would try and have a chat with him and then get an early night. Tomorrow is a new day and things will seem brighter.

When are you seeing your GP?

He's on his way home now.

OK I'm virtually holding your hand here and hope you can both talk calmly now and work things out.

Do look into marriage counselling to help you both learn to deal with conflict better. It's not ideal as your children grow to witness that sort of behaviour. But see your GP first, one step at a time.

Hi and thanks again for your help.

Dh came home last night with a present for me and open arms. We hugged and I cried. A lot. He's going to come with me to the doctors tomorrow. He also said he didn't quite realise how bad I had been feeling.

We've still got a way to go but my head is clearer now, I know I want him by my side through this.

That's good to read Takingiteasy. I would imagine his being elsewhere so much has contributed to the way you are feeling so please don't allow this to become solely your issue.