access for dh to dd problems

[jan2011]

finding things really tough. thought separating would be easier - and it is great in some ways as i now don't have to worry about the same relationship stress i was under before i can do what i want when i want and house more peaceful etc...

but things are still very hard. i feel run down as dd hasn't been sleeping well and hasn't been too well...

dh has been upsetting me every single time he has come to collect her or mind her here. ive heard that the norm is that we do alternate weekends and he takes her one night during the week. at the minute he comes round to mine after work 2 nights a week and helps with her, and an afternoon or so at the weekend. its so stressful im ending up upset every time and we are always arguing in front of her no matter how much i try not to and to be civil. this is what i was trying to avoid.

the thing is she is only turning one - if he is seeing her during the week he would have to come to my house as its too late for her to be going to his and then coming back to go to bed, and she is too young i feel, to be staying over somewhere new. i took her to my own mums for a few nights and it took ages to get her back into a normal routine and that was with me.

so i don't think he should have her for a full weekend.
do you think its reasonable if i say he can mind her at my house only when i start my course and will be out ( which starts in a few weeks and will be one night a week) and alternate days at the weekend. like if he has her saturday, i have her sunday. from like 10 to 5 - im talking a full day. is this reasonable? as he was like today ill take her for a few hours. then he gets annoyed during the week as i don't want him coming round. i just can't have him coming round a lot, so fewer times but longer seems more manageable. this is all new to me so please help point me in the right direction

Your dd may be unsettled for a while with a new routine but she will soon get used to it and it will become what is normal for her.

My DH has had his 2 dc's 50% of the time since splitting with his exW when the youngest was only 1. There is no reason for your ex not to start having his dd eow. How would you feel if he said you could only see your dd at his house on his terms? If his work committments allow it I would encourage an overnight during the week then eow. If you don't want 2 consecutive nights apart to start with then just do sat am to Sun pm.

Also IMO it is confusing for the child if parents are together for contact times when they are not actually together - and if you are arguing in front of your dd that's even worse.

maybe it is better..im not ruling it out. yes i would feel bad but its not entirely my terms...he is choosing when to see her at the weekend. i don't even know if he would want an overnight stay as it means no lie in for him. i was only thinking she was too young because the WA worker said it was too young and that it was ok to want to leave it till later.
but maybe it isn't - i just want to do whats best for my child, and to avoid the confrontations

It's a difficult time but kids are adaptable and in many ways the sooner you start a new routine the better. I would definately stop having the contact in your house as it is too upsetting for you and leading to confrontation which will also be upsetting for your dd.

I think it depends on what you previous care arrangements were actually. Contact is for the benefit of the child not the parent and there is procedural literature in the courts which supports your view that overnights for a one year old are unnecessarily disruptive.

I think you know your child best. It depends on a lot of factors including your x his home environment and the state of the relationship what is going to be best for your dd. the thinking normally is that for really little ones it isn't big long times with, from their perspective, big long gaps (a week or two) but smaller more regular contacts that are most productive.

I've really understood this one.

Is it advised that young children shouldn't stay with grand-parents?
Would that be considered disruptive?

What does he want and why and what do you want and why is a good place to start. However if he has been abusive and you are in women's aid then you may need to do those negotiations in mediation.

What do you mean balderdash?

That should have been 'never really understood this'

It's advised when couples separate that the NRP shouldn't have overnights if the children are young.

But surely lots of very young children have overnights with grand-parents, so is this not advisable?

Contact arrangements with a parent are not able to be compared with being babysat by your granny.

What is important is the child's well being and facilitating happy bonding with both the parents in a new living arrangement. I don't think courts normally recommend very young children are put into contact arrangements where they spend long periods of time with and then without one parent unless it is necessary or wanted because it is better for a young child (they are happier and bond better) with smaller chunks of more regular contact. If that is what can be done then that surely should be the preference.

shes never been overnight at her grans without me as i didnt think she was ready - not saying its wrong but i just think its important that her main caregiver is there at night and in different suroundings

I think you should try mediation. For a child that young, little and often is usually recommended and certainly no overnight stays. Don't be fooled into thinking you have to do the "usual" thing. All circumstances are different and all children are different.

A mediator can help you agree about children and finance, which is what you will need to do before you divorce anyway. You might find this helpful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Planningadivorce/DG_194401

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

thanks thats great!