Dh is a sex addict and I don't know what to do for the best

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

I have been with dh for 14 years, married for 11 of those, have 2 kids, with a third on the way. He is a sex addict, he likes to contact women online and have virtual sex with them. We have been mostly ok over the years with me finding evidence of these conversations from time to time, being upset, dealing with it and moving on.
I have over the years come to see this as what it is- an addiction that he struggles with and nothing to do with failings in our relationship despite what he tries to excuse it with (I found out the first time a couple of months before I married him when our sex life was great, we had no money worries and no kids to make him stressed)
I have just found a load of emails today, filthy stuff, with photos that make my skin crawl. I don't mind him looking at porn, it's the mutuality of it between two people and the fact that he is sending obscene photos of himself to others that disgusts me. I just feel so betrayed.
I'm at the point now where I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I don't think I can have sex with him again having seen what I have, I feel dirty by association.
I don't know what to do for the best. Do I leave him to it, and get a divorce knowing the upset it may cause my kids and bring this third baby up on my own, or do I insist on some counselling and keep trying?
I should say that in between me finding these conversations, we can have months and even years where we get on well and are happy, we rarely argue.
We do have different sex drives, mine being on the low side, his being very high it seems, as there are 3 of these emails a day with different women in some days! No one surely needs sex that often to be satisfied?
Should I treat this like gambling for example where it will happen from time to time then he will get it under control again?

My own childhood was loving and very normal. I'm not daft enough to think that love conquers all. I know that the only person who can stop is him, and i know the only way he will stop is if he wants to stop more than he wants to continue. I think the counselling may help him to deal with the issues from his childhood that trigger his low self esteem and which I believe push him into seeking out this attention which temporarily makes him feel good and important.
My reasons for staying are that I don't want to upset the kids, and I also love him and other than this we are very good together. If I didn't think our relationship was good in other ways I would leave.
I think I have decided we will have some space for now, we will just tell the kids he has gone to stay with grandad for a few days to help out as his grandad is elderly and quite frail and the kids know this.
We have booked counselling together for Wednesday this week.
Thanks all for your perspective on this :0)

It won't half 'upset the kids' if they come across one of those e-mails.

What does he actually say about his behaviour? Especially in regard to his children?

My close friend married a "sex addict". His diagnosis was handed down from an equally unqualified source. A counsellor is not in any position to hand out this sort of diagnosis/lable. His childhood was very odd and has unbelivably strange parents who manipulate and so on. Since the original diagnosis some years ago, his addiction has morphed into , depression, anxiety, phobic about looking after his kids....the list is endless.
He is a man that has such a weak sense of self that he is unable and unwilling to address anything about himself and quite happily wanders along awaiting the next guess as to his "problems".
Can I also point out that any diagnosis is not fixed in concrete, many professionals will argue on the finer points and something as variable and unmeasurable as "sex addiction" would be one of those.
Further more, his diagnosis in some sense enables his behaviour.
"I do it cos I am a sex addict"
" I do this as I am damaged, I am not in control"
The sex is a symptom, not a stand alone "addiction"
Please do not mention addictive personality either.

How on earth can you love and respect a man who treats you and your children with such disregard? Don't his actions sicken you? They would me, This would be a complete deal breaker, sex 'addiction' or not. And as for blaming it on his childhood, well most of us could do that I reckon, but most people grow up fairly normal.

I have never heard such a load of nonsense in my whole life. If he had been diagnosed by a psychiatrist or a qualified psychologist, fair enough. YOu might still not want to live with an addict who, in 14 years, had made no headway whatsoever in controlling their behaviour. But, a diagnosis of a counsellor who probably knows very little about sexual addiction- what a load of crock! The point is OP, his behaviour is appalling. It doesn't matter whether it is caused by his childhood, his 'sex addiction' or just being a complete and utter twat, it is hurting you and treating you like an accessory to his life.

This counsellor has managed to convince you that he is not to blame. This is rubbish, a good counsellor in addictions would start with the person taking complete responsibility for the addiction, even if it renders them powerless in the face of it.

YOu need to remove yourself from harm's way, he's emailing three women a day and exchanging sexual photos, what on earth makes you think he's not sleeping around (probably a lot) if he's got a sex addiction? I would pack his bags tonight, and throw him out, then go about building some semblance of a normal life.

And, before anyone comes on and says, but what if he had an addiction to alcohol/drugs/gambling, if he's had it for 14 years and showed no sign of improvement, and it was risking my own health and sanity, I'd do exactly the same. You can't sacrifice yourself and your children on the alter of other people's addictions, just move yourself out of the way unless they show real signs of change.

Good post lola

OP do you feel that he uses his label as an 'addict' as an excuse to continue with the behaviour?

I really don't know what I would do in your situation. I think the ultimate answer is that I wouldn't have married in the first place, but you did and so it is a question of how to manage the current situation.
If I found DH was doing what your DH does, I would kick him out and it would be a deal breaker if he did anything other than stop completely and utterly there and then.
But this has been part of your marriage, and you marrying him knowing what he was doing was essentially giving him permission to carry on. I suspect that he feels deep down that you won't end things over this, and so he feels at liberty to continue, with the counselling being a 'look I am trying to cure myself but I can't' kind of sop to you.

What a horrible situation :(

Surely a true addict would be seeking out real sex? Not just pretendy stuff on the Internet?

And I was also at a 'counsellor' diagnosing him!

Love, he's a sleazeball.

Get rid.

I agree with Mumsy, rarely does a counsellor make a diagnosis, were not doctors, and to be honest sex addiction is a bit of a phallasy, and is argued over a lot. He is doing this because there are no consequences if he doesnt stop, why should he take any kind of resposibility when youve taken it for him.

Well im a sex addict its not my fault, I cant control myself, my wife supports me so thats ok then, she a good egg for all the support she gives me. I'll pass on my thanks to the other women I wank over, cause my childhood was so shit, and they will thank her as well, cause hey it's the least she deserves.

Some people who have a shit child hood try not to inflict it on others, they become counsellors or other productive members of society, not waste it in a cesspit of lies, preaning in front of a web cam with their cock in their hand, thinking it's a good thing my wife understands me.

"sex addiction" has come here from America where it is big business. Where lots of people make big money out of it. It, in my opinion, has come from this thing of sex being "sinful" that Americans have and the other thing of being able to do whatever you like as long as you pay penance that is related to religion and also exacerbated by them having a market based healthcare system where pathologising things makes people money.

Loving "phallasy"

Anyway that is a digression. In all your posts op you fail to mention even a single time what he is doing about his behaviour or how he has tried not to abuse your relationship.

Me too Katie

Why are you going to joint counselling? There isn't anything wrong with your relationship or with you, it is entirely a problem with him and how he is choosing to behave.

Offred, I agree, even if you accepted this dubious 'diagnosis', why on earth would you sit around to be treated like that for 14 years? I cannot get my head around why you would feel sorry for someone who is emailing sexual photos to women on a daily basis and see them as the victim and not yourself.

I'm sorry, his behaviour would be an absolute deal-breaker for me, whatever caused it.

Is it me did I spell it wrong? now feel like a bit of a wally? or in the middle of monty python skit .

Fallacy or phallus-y would be technically correct I suppose! I like phallus-y best!

No no no Guilty !!!!!

It is fab and very apt under the circs.

Sorry ladies am pre occupied with a sticky keyboard and letters that wont type
and spelling is shite at the best of times.

now just knows there a pun in there somewhere.

A phallus is an erect penis guiltypleasure.

If I was with a man who behaved in the way you describe OP, I wouldn't want him touching our children (and I certainly couldn't have him touching me). Children can survive divorce and many thrive (mine included). Crap childhoods shouldn't be an excuse to destroy other peoples' lives and he needs to show some real insight into this behaviour and start sorting himself out. It's a good idea that he's going away for a while and I hope it starts the ball rolling. And I'm another one who would be dubious of a diagnosis of "sex addiction" from a mere counsellor.

sticky keyboard is the o.p's problem in a nutshell.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. He may be an addict or he may not, but no matter what his addiction is, he's still doing it in spite of knowing that he's breaking your heart. If you were writing the same thing about an alcoholic, who's carrying on without seeking help knowing full well that they're hurting you, my advice would be the same. You have to let him go.

There are all sorts of reasons for bad behaviour, but ultimately he is in control of his own actions, and it's him that chooses, over and over again, to hurt you. The time has come for him to rise above his excuses and take responsibility.

Please don't say you're staying with him for the children. If he's being careless enough to let you find these emails, the children will one day stumble upon them. It would be far more beneficial for them to see a happy, independent mother than to grow up to find, one day, that their father constantly hurt their mother.

Good luck. x

I think you should treat it like "another" addiction.
Send him to sort himself out and don't allow him back unless he's changed.
He is taking the piss and you have been allowing it.