Confused

[PulledInTwo]

Hi, I've also posted this on divorce/separation.

To give some background, I have been with my husband for 9 years now, married for 4 and we have one DD (19 months). We were each others first relationship as well. Anyway I am posting as I feel completely pulled in two, while I still care for my husband and we have our good days, the majority of the time the atmosphere is unbearable. I feel that he is depressed, but he refuses to see the Dr about it due to 'it being on his medical record and applying for jobs in the future'. I suffer from anxiety, but am on medication and am fine when I am not around him. We fight and shout several times a week and his sole focus is on clearing our debts, to the point the we literally stay in the house all week, unless someone else is paying. His sole enjoyment is playing computer games after work, and watching sci-fi, and I join him. If I want to go do my own thing, i.e reading on my kindle, watching tv etc then he gets very sullen, insiing nothing is wrong, but then complaining he's not in the mood to play etc, can we go watch sci-fi together.

He is very suffocating in regards to money. I get questioned on every purchase I make, and made to feel guilty, even if it is buying our DD the next size up clothes, going swimming etc. He is very unhelpful around the house, with most things being left to me i.e cleaning, washing, changing beds, changing our DD nappy, putting her to bed, cooking, shopping. If he does have to something then again he gets very sullen and passive aggressive. I also feel that he plays mind games, denying he has said something or done something, told me I;ve done something when I haven't etc.

There used to be DV when we were a lot younger, and there hasn't been for the last 4/5 years, but when he starts shouting I get scared of him. I am a full time student at uni, and also work part time. I grew up in an abusive household, and I don't want that for my DD. I feel so torn in 2, I want to leave him, but at the same time can't visualise the walking out, all I can visualise is further down the line, me and DD in our own place, and omg that feels so less stressful. When I ask myself if I would marry him over again, the answer is No, definitely not...

I do still care for him though, and don;t want to selfishly hurt him. Also I can't see how financially I can leave, I don't have money to move out and rent anywhere else, and my mum doesn't have room. I just don't know what to do for the best. The logical part of me is saying it's not working, we need to separate, but 1) I don;t know how to do that, and 2) I don;t want to hurt everyone involved, him, families etc and 3) When it's good I worry that I'm wanting to do the wrong thing, that if we try harder then we can make it work, but it's been bad for so long...

Thanks for reading, that's a lot longer than I thought it would be...

There doesn't need to be actual violence any more, shouting now works to shut you down: it's the fear & knowing he is capable of it.

I think you should get out.

Look into what benefits/tax credits you'd get as a lp with the 'entitled to' website. Would your mum be able to help you put a rental deposit together or go guarantor?

You could talk to Women's Aid - you have experienced DV and he is financially & emotionally abusive towards you. There is help out there.

"I do still care for him though, and don;t want to selfishly hurt him. "

He doesn't extend the same courtesy to you so why would that bother you? Your family isn't married to him, you are. Your DD doesn't deserve to grow up thinking that women in loving relationships are abused and bullied. Agree with the above about violence. He rules by fear and has swapped physical attacks for verbal & financial abuse. It's not 'passive aggressive' behaviour btw it's full-on aggressive behaviour. Not an improvement of any kind.

As for finances, what price peace of mind, happiness and self-esteem? Rather than assuming there are no alternatives, why not get some information from a solicitor about your rights in the event of a divorce? There is a lot of financial and practical help available for women in your situation, especially those with children and the www.turn2us.co.uk website is a good resource. Women's Aid are excellent and your local housing department should have some ideas about emergency accommodation.

Hi,

I looked at the turn2us, but can't use it as I'm a full time student. I know it'd be best for us to separate, but it's not him who's verbally nasty, I lash out verbally as well. I feel bad as he constantly tells me that all he wants is a 'simple' life of going to work and coming home to me and our DD. But even though he says that, it's not enough for him, if there's any stress or issues its like there's no point. He's so pessimistic and negative and I find it so draining. It's so hard, it'd be easier if he'd just cheat, but he'll never do that. And he adores our DD, and she him. It'd be so much easier if he did something actually wrong, but it's more that we just don't get on anymore. I think we bring out the worst in each other, as he is a nice guy...

Hang on, you just did a great long list of what he does wrong.

• He won't let you do your own thing in peace, gets moody if you try to read.
• He questions your spending all the time on everything.
• He treats you like a skivvy.
• He is passive-aggressive/moody if asked to do anything.
• When you row, you're afraid of him.
• You're on anxiety meds that you might well not need away from him.

He doesn't sound a nice guy.

The relationship is dead in the water whichever way you look at it and, the longer you stick it out, the more miserable everyone gets. Someone has to call time on it and it isn't going to be him. If you are a full-time student talk to your Student Services/Welfare/Union about financial help because, you're right, what's available is different than for others.

But surely I am just as bad? I used to hit him to, I argue with him, get angry if he doesn't help, get angry and defensive over money. I feel like I am constantly picking at him. If I leave him be, then he can be lovely. I feel like I'd be ripping our family apart just for me. I feel like I'm being stupid as we have a lot of the same interest, he wouldn't ever cheat. I just feel so torn... I would love a nice quiet life with my DD, where I can make decision, buy for xmas, and treats without worrying. The thought of that feel like a massive relief, but I just don't the pain, hurt, guilt that it takes to get there... I don't think he means to be nasty, I don't think he grasps how it makes me feel...

I know its pathetic, but I really have no experience of this, I have never ended a relationship, or had one ended, as we were each others first (and only) relationships.

It's quite common for victims of abuse to believe they are a responsible. Maybe you are just as bad but that's still no reason to stick around is it? You could easily go on to be calm, balanced, individuals leading happy lives separately. What is very clear is that together you are incompatible & miserable as a couple. You only get one shot at life and, as my friend frequently tells me, 'it's not a rehearsal'. So don't waste the time you have. A split is going to be painful short-term but don't confuse 'regret' with 'guilt'.

'I don't think he means to be so nasty'.... unless he is completely emotionally incontinent, he knows exactly how it makes you feel. Stop making his excuses for him.

If it is as you say, then don't you think being together makes things worse for you both?

He's depressed, you're anxious. Neither of you is happy. Is this a good environment for a child?

Sticking with it isn't helping anybody. He's too inert through depression (if that's what it is) to change or help himself.

Or he's perfectly happy with the status quo and doesn't care how you feel.

If he's a good dad, he won't be a bad one if he's not with you any more.

Of course you get defensive if he questions you over money, of course you get angry if he won't help.

Can you see what you're saying? You basically said: As long as he gets to do exactly what he likes, he's lovely? But life isn't like that - we all have to do stuff we don't want to do sometimes - we have to budge our sorry butts and help the people we're supposedly love. Even the people we sorta like. Without giving them grief about it.

I know you're all right, it's what the sensible part of me is saying as well, its just so bloody hard when I still care about him. I know it's best for us to separate, and we'll both be happier afterwards, but I also know its going to be hell getting there. I just have no idea how to go about doing it, I guess CAB? Then to tell him somehow... Part of me think it may just be easier to wait until I graduate next year. But I accept that its not working, that its not getting better, and its not healthy for our DD, I just need some bloody strength

CAB would be a good start. Talk to your student services as well.

I don't think waiting 'til you graduate is the best option - will it then be wait until you get a job - then a better job - then you fall pregnant or something - there's never a 'right time' for something like this...

You have access to support services right now through your uni, I think it'd be a good idea to see what they can do to help.

Ok, so first port of call is uni and also make a CAB appointment and see where I stand. I am also going to go to the uni counsellor I think, hopefully they can give me some strategies to stop me second guessing myself and how to cope through it, feeling guilty etc.

Hopefully then I can get a deposit via my mum or council/uni to put down as a deposit on a small 2 bed place for me and my daughter to move to...

Scared, nervous and feel kinda shaky, but also stronger for having a plan in my head. Keep asking myself how did it ever get to this though...

That's great. The uni counsellor sounds like a good idea.

A few steps at a time.

do this for your daughter. as others have said its not a healthy environment to be bringing a child up in. It will be so hard making that big step to go but the good thing is that u can already imagine a happier life living away from your h.
Have you rung women's aid yet? They r really good please do.
Would u ever consider going into refuge? It could give u a chance to have a break and somewhere safe to stay before going straight to moving out on your own. Plus all the support on offer for the abuse you r going through. They can also help with housing.

Hi,

No I've not rung woman's aid, partly because even though I know its not healthy, I don't thinks is dv. The thought of a refuge tbh scares the shit out of me, and things aren't violent at home, just emotionally difficult. I know its what I need to do. I've been reading the narcissist thread, and it sounds like my H... I think I'm going to meet my mum this week and talk to her. Feel sad, guilty, regretful, hopeful, a real mix... I just don't see how I will find the strength to end it

Abuse doesn't just mean DV, especially when he's already trained you to walk on egg shells. Not everyone who phones WA ends up in a refuge. They can give you advice, support and help you deal with things at your own pace.

Well just to update. My H knows that something is going on, but has asked for us to both make changes, try harder etc. However yesterday we went out for a meal with my mum. We were talking about me dieting, loosing weight etc and my mum was supportive, mentioned I'd done it before via hard work. What she didn't know was it wad due to an eating disorder, which I beat when I got pregnant. Anyway my H pipes up 'yeah because she used to stick 2 fingers down her throat after meals'.... He has been supportive, but that was just .... Weird... He also questioned me today due to 50 quid coming out... It was for a coat etc for me, however I deleted the e mail out of habit, which he noticed and is now ignoring me....

Also we were talking and I said well if that did happen (us split) then our DD would be 50/50 between us, and he replied that 'lets not talk about that, though if it did happen it would be that as I (him) don't share'...