I'm being totally unreasonable and hysterical

[PomBearsFor2]

But I just can't help it!

I've name changes for this because it will out me if they see it nd I don't want the, to know my regular name but those who know my story will probably guess who I am

Ok background: my mums half of the family (not my mum/sister and brother, but mums mother and sisters etc) were horrible when my son regressed and eventually got diagnosed with autism and neuro regression as well as many other things. At first we ere told he had neuro degenerate disorder and would die in childhood. A day after I was told that my mums sister contacted me by text saying DS could not come to her wedding as she was marrying a millionaire and didn't want the video ruined by his noises. This was without even checking I was ok after being told i was going to lose my son. I didn't go to the wedding at all. (no one else to look after DS anyway but she still had a cob on about it)

Then at my Grandads 60th he had a meal with everyone to celebrate. Unfortunately my son was having an MRI scan the same day to see if they could find out which brain cells were diseased or something. When I got home after an awful day of watching my child go under anasthetic I had received a nasty email off my cousin asking why I hadn't bothered to go to the 60th. When I explained I got no apology, no asking how DS was. No reply at all!

Then at my mums wedding a while later (DS was allowed to attend. by then he had been diagnosed with autism and neuro regression, we still don't know what is wrong with his brain and he's still at risk apparently) my other aunties child was pushing DS over and watching him struggle to stand over and over again (he had a broken foot at the time) my DP at the time (who raised DS, lovely man but couldn't keep it in his pants) told the child that if he didn't stop he would tell his parents (who were very very drunk and not paying attention) he did it again so DP walked off to find his dad. Child cried to his mum and my auntie then told me my DP was a bully, everyone knows my child is horrible and said she would give him a crack. I told her that if she hit my small disabled child I would call the police at which time my gran came over and comforted her.

So basically after that episode I decided that I wouldn't talk to them anymore. They never offered any support at a horrible time in my life, even after I offered all of them support, lifts, childcare etc through various relationship dramas they had. Are horrible about my son because he is disabled (which I shouldn't have been surprised at as they were nasty about people with mental disabilities before DS regressed) and are just not worth the negativity.

Anyway that's the massive backstory (the most important details)

Yesterday it was my sisters birthday, she had a nice meal out. I didn't get to go because she invited all them. She basically said 'on my birthday I'm having a meal but you won't want to come' now I'm not mad at my sister at all but it just feels like every big event I am the one missing out because they are nasty about a small child. It just doesn't seem fair. I can't say anything to my sister or my mum it isn't fair and it would be like I'm making them choose which I would never do but it makes me want to scream. Why do they get to go and I'm always left out? It's going to be like this forever and I'm stuck up here with them all because this is where DSs dad lives (dad and his family live in a different part of the country, and are all lovely and amazingly supportive) so I sat in on my own again last night and woke up to photos of them all having a lovely time. It's just horrible I feel so isolated and I can't do anything about it.

DS gas had another regression over summer and we don't know whether it's the autism and the change of routine that's caused it or the neuro regression (whatever is causing that) and have to wait to see if he improves once back at school which is shit. It's all just shit.

I know I'm being hysterical and ridiculous and there's nothing anyone can do about it but it's just something else that feels unfair and horrible.

You don't have to reply I just needed a massive rant and have no one to talk to in real life about it

You poor thing, they sound horrendous. I would tell your sister and mother actually, I'd tell them exactly how you feel. Because you're right, its not fair.

I so wish I had some advice or a magic wand to fix things for you. Big un-MN hugs.

You are neither hysterical or ridiculous. I am aghast at the way your own family have treated you and you're son. If i was you i would cut ties and concentrate on looking after your son and maybe trying to meet people who have been through a similar thing that can help support you

Maybe I should talk to them but I know I'll wimp out. I don't like to upset anyone. I certainly couldn't say anything beforehand because I didn't want to spoil her birthday for her.

Puds I have cut tied with the horrible ones. My mum and my sister and step dad are really supportive but it just hurts when I'm excluded because of the extremes family.

It is unfair and horrible, and their behaviour isn't something you should tolerate.

Those lovely photos though, of them all having a great time? Not so great. In those photos are people who have let you down. Not people you want to be with.

I didn't get the bit about the lovely family who do support? Do they not live near you? Why can't you relocate to live nearer them?

Turkishdelight the lovely family live at the other side of the country basically. I can't relocate as me and DSs dad aren't together and I won't move him say from his other parent. I just can't do that to either of them. Id rather be stuck here and unhappy.

Away not say. Not a clue what's going on with my typing today!

You sound neither hysterical nor unreasonable to me.

So sorry the shits in your family are keeping you away from the good ones.

I really do think, now the birthday is over, that you should tell your Mum and sister how it makes you feel when you are excluded.

I'd just like for them to say to them for once 'well I'm doing this with Pom so you can just come round and dump presents and she has he fun party stuff with us,' instead of the other way around.

I was in a very similar situation although,to be honest, none of my extended family were nearly as vile as yours.

To be honest - let it go.

You don't want your son near any of the people who are so sneery and revolting about him which is quite right.
You say 'oh well, it's it my sisters fault' because you wnt to excuse her and your mum. But she is not lovely. She arranged her birthday in a way that she knew would exclude you.nshe sits and laughs with people who are vile to you. As does your mum.

Having a child with severe disability involves a lot of letting go.

Block then ALL on Facebook. Find some friends who accept your son.

If your mum and sister give a shit it might actually encourage them to consider you in future. If not, your son is the priority here.

Sorry -you say "it is not my sisters fault"

Thanks pag watch the rest of them are blocked on fb just not my mum and my sister. Oh and a cousin who my uncle denied existed until a very recent DNA test, a month of being nice to her then quickly sweeping her under the carpet again. Anything out of their perfect world isn't ok.

Thing is, my mum and sister are the only support/family I have up here. If I cut them off I'll have no one. And DS loves them. So I can't do that. I know I'd never talk to anyone who treated them like that but that's me.

Pom, this is just shit. I really feel for you.

However, I think if you can look at what you're saying, you need to change the way you're controlling how you come across in the situation.

Your nice family should be on your side and tell the others to fuck off. But they're not because you're saying its ok for them to go and you don't mind.

In terms of your ex, if you would get more support for you and ds somewherrer else why can't you move to the other side of the country? He could move As well. Why do his practical arrangements take precedent over your ds' and your mental well being?

Life is too short to spend it with or worrying about what awful people think and do. If you would be happier somewhere else, talk to your sons father, see if he can think of any solutions or look to a solicitor to look at rights to make sure you can move. Don't martyr yourself trying to control how other people feel about your situation. I really think people pick up on fake 'okayness' and don't necessarily understand you are doing it in your opinion for their sake, I think they just know its fake and it makes them uncomfortable.

Sorry if this seems harsh, I just can't bear to think of someone feeling so unhappy but carrying on because they think it makes other people feel better. It's not your responsibility to do that. Best wishes :)

Thanks crab. It's not just hid dad there's a whole family here for him (his dads side. That look after him, have him overnight (and give me a break) love him to pieces and are really really good for him. My mum took us away from our dad when we were little and it was an awful experience that I'd never put my son through. I do have friends here too and job opportunities for the future (schools I used to work in emailing etc)

I know what you're saying about my mum and sister and they should. But I don't know how to say anything without them falling out with me. Especially since its gone on so long now. My mum used to go on about forgiving and forgetting. I used to say that when I got appologies I would consider forgiving but I never got any. I still wouldn't want them round my son though.

As others have said you are neither hysterical or unreasonable.

Your mothers extended family are vile, but frankly your mother and sister are not much better.

You deserve their support and understanding and they clearly cannot see their way to behaving like decent, compassionate people.

In your situation I would call my sister on it: she would be given one opportunity to appreciate why what she had done was nasty and if she was incapable of understanding I would be focusing my efforts on those in my family that were reliable and supportive.

I know they are your mum and sister but they should be standing up for you and more importantly your son, if they cannot they are just as bad as the rest of them.

Ok I'll talk to her on Sunday when I see her. I'm not too sure how I will bring it up though.

That's nice about your exs family. But just because it was awful for you doesn't mean it would be awful for your ds! Your mums family sound vile, of course being taken away from normality into their bosom would have been traumatic.

You sound frightened that if you confronted your mum she would side with the rest of the family. Has she got form for that?

I think you need to look at what you want and who you want to share your life with and why. Can you afford some counselling? I wonder if talking about your childhood, your mum and how she separated from your dad might be helpful to you when considering your current situation?

Actually she may bring it up herself. I have two fb accounts. One for the usual old school friends, acquaintances, work colleagues etc etc so I don't seem rude which I post happy photos on and nothing private. And one for the autism support group with close friends, support group members etc on that I trust on which I can rant away. My sister added herself to both. Buti removed her from the private one because it's the one I use daily and its the one I saw the photos on that I really dont want to see. She's bound to notice, bound to ask, so that's a way in I guess.

You poor thing. Your family are being horrible to you and verrrryyy unfair. You should perhaps write to them all to explain how you feel and if it doesn't get better, avoid them at all costs. You and your son deserve to be treated with respect.

Thanks crab. It's just not something I could morally do myself. He has the right to both parents in my oppinion as well as his dads extended family. He has a routine established. A school the took us years to find and get him into, little friends the have taken ages to find Nd establish bonds. He has a happy little life now. I couldn't take that from him. I also have so many supportive friends here I suppose. Why should I let them drive me away.

And even without all that. The one over night stay his dad has him a week is the only night I can sleep. It's the only break I get. I'd lose that if I moved

I would really focus on how it makes you feel, rather than going over the past. Make it clear what you want for the future.

Good luck!

Thanks. I just want to feel some normality I think. Just to make it clear I'm not judging those who do move their DCs away from other parents. Their situations may be totally different than mine. It's just isn't something I can do.

Move to be closer to your DP family and make them your family.

I think you have had some great advice here.
And I really do understand why you want to stay put if your ds is happy at school and you have a decent support network.

I also get how sad you feel that you fel excluded by your mother and sister.

Can I give you a tip for talking to them, if that isn't patronising. I only have a few because I fucked up this conversation a couple of times

Don't accuse them of anything. People get defensive. So don't say 'you exclude me' - say 'seeing photos of you when I can't attend through no fault of my own feels awful.^. Say "i feel abandoned" not "you reject me" etc etc.

Also, give them time to think about it. They may get defensive initially. People do.

Also say "I love you. I realise you can't possibly understand my situation, however much you want to. I recognise we are all having to make changes" etc etc

And listen to what they say.

If ultimately they see you as the problem, you will never get them to change. If they are just being weak ass because it is easier for them, then you can get more support.

I do feel for you. Good luck

Thanks for the advice. Totally fantastic I do not want to accuse them so I think I'll just use the fb deletion and just say 'seeing those photos when I couldn't go through no fault of my own felt awful.' and see what happens.

I do live close to DSs dads family (I have no DP) but we can't be THAT close because of DSs dads DPs jealousy issues. (she has no reason to be, I've not been with DSs dad since he was a newborn but I understand these situations can be a bit weird for some)