Have been a lurker for some time and have finally found the courage to post.
Not sure why I'm posting but needed I think to write things down and get some advice.
Have been with dh for 16 years. At first there was some dv to me but I put it down to us being young and after a few years this stopped.
We now have 2 dc (1 dd 13yrs and 1ds 5yrs).
For a few years now I walk on egg shells so as not to antagonise dh as he can get angry but verbally it has come close to physical but he has controlled this. It doesn't happen every day but at least 2 times per week. Usual routine is I will say something and apparently say it wrong then he speaks to me in a way that I feel I've done something wrong or will start shouting. I try to diffuse the situation as I dont want to make him angry so rarely shout back and usually apologise straight away and say to him I didn't mean to say it or say it in a way he says I have. He will continue to go and usually yes I will end up with tears in my eyes. When this happens I get told I'm acting a victim and end result is it is my fault it's happened.
I have tried being strong and not answering back but not backing down just bein string and holding my own but this doesn't work and he gets angry with him saying 'that's right turn it around blame me' which isn't what I'm doing I'm just trying to stick up for myself.
Last year I tried so hard to talk with him an tell him this wasn't healthy or good for either of us and I felt it best he left. Not one of my best ideas. He told me in no uncertain terms that if I was the one not happy then I could leave but I was not taking the kids (it was worse than this but don't want to go on and on and make this anymore long winded than I am). Needless to say I'm still here as I cannnot and won't leave my dc.
I am at a point where I am so desperately unhappy and was going to wait till my children were much older to leave so they were settled but I don't know if I can do this everyday for at least another 10years!
I am scared of telling him again and scared of what will happen. He won't go or if he does will take my children if not on the day he wont return them when he has them visit him (we seperated 8yrs ago and he wld not return my daughter once). The other sad truth is I feel guilty he will not have a home or anything and it will be my fault. His family will also get involved and god it will be months of nastiness and worry about dc and I'm not sure I can deal with emotionally.
I think it's all irrelevant as he won't go and he won't let me take children and I feel that will be it I will have to stay, I can't walk away from children. I just want to do what's right for all I us and do it in the right way not by doing a moonlit flit which would really escalate the situation but also mean walking away from mine and the dc's home which also the thought of hurts.
Would it be so bad to stay and wait for dc's to be older I've done it for 3yrs being unhappy and putting a face on it and like I said he's not like this everyday just 2/3 times per week.
Sorry it's long and I've rambled but needed to write down and get out my head. Sad truth is I could write so much more.