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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

can i change my DH? if so how to get him to care

19 replies

EyesDoMoreThanSee · 01/09/2012 08:11

We have been together almost seven years and married almost four. We never used to argue although DH is hard to argue with because he simple switches off and doesn't engage. He also NEVER says sorry. Ever.

Recently his attitude has started to suck with him getting even lazier, always always has an excuse or reason (usually blaming me) for anything. He has also started to treat me like dirt, criticising my driving or my washing up, or watching me on the internet enter an address because 'I am bound to get it wrong'.

Yesterday brought it all to a head and I am strongly considering leaving for the day with DD and just writing him a letter.

I took DD to nursery and he stayed in bed. We had two days off this week to do a lot of work on the house we have just bought. Got home and took him tea but rather than getting gardening gear on he dressed normally. Then hovered around rather than help with the mountain of paperwork I was working through. Then wanted to know when I was cooking lunch and what was for lunch etc but he is perfectly capable of a looking in gte fridge or b walking to the bloody shop to buy food

Eventually I finish and he starts bitching about me not telling him what we are doing today. The house is a tip, worse since he decided to 'unpack boxes' onto floors rather than put them away.

Then we go to diy store, he talks to me like a child etc, starts laughing at me when I suggest he goes to look at the paint. Even though he gas told me I have no eye for colour, and that the colours I like are stupid. They are period colours to suit the house, blues and greens. We go for lunch, he looks like scruffy twat with a hoody, dirty t shirt and ancient trainers. We get to have lunch on our own maybe every six months.

He then turned on DD when she woke up screaming, he was so nasty to her I considered pushing him out the door. It was real vitriolic nastiness. He acts like she is the biggest mistake of his life. She is amazing but a terrible sleeper. Turns out she is running a temperature.

He is no longer the mild mannered fun but stable man I married. I now do not enjoy being around him when he has amamoopsd on. He reminds me of my six year old nephew in his strips. Dh also forces the sex issue, I.e. he feels entitled to sex whenever e wants.

DD is 2. She almost died at birth and has brain damage but doing ok ish. He never recognises toddlers are Hard work and is mean to her, snatching from her anything she has picked up and shouldn't have. When we go to his Munster or anyone cones over he treats her as if she is the apple of his eye. I am a post grad and

OP posts:
EyesDoMoreThanSee · 01/09/2012 08:13

I have no way to support myself if i throw him out. Nor could I afford to stay in the house we bought. I just want him to change his shitty wanky entitled attitude.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2012 08:20

Short answer to that last question is you cannot do that.

A man as well that never says sorry is a red flag; however, abuse is often insidious in its onset and he has acted "nicely" just long enough to draw you in, marry you and have his child.

All this man will do now is further crush any vestiges of self esteem and worth you have left.

Do not put up with such abusive behaviour for your DD. Seek legal advice asap as to your options re finances and property.

Offred · 01/09/2012 08:24

He won't. The only thing to do is leave or stay. One is better than the other.

I think you know all this.

CocktailsAndFriedChicken · 01/09/2012 08:32

Does this 'man' have any redeeming features at all??

EyesDoMoreThanSee · 01/09/2012 08:38

Until he turned wankerish he was kind and funny, we did everything together and he used to cook meals, remember birthdays and occasions whereas now he can't even remember a card for his child's second birthday.

Actually right now I hate who he is.

OP posts:
Offred · 01/09/2012 08:42

Who he is now is who he is. Abuse often begins after a child is born. I think you need to make a decision about him based on him never being that man again and always being how he is now or worse. However if he is sexually abusive please please get help to leave from women's aid as you are most at risk during the period of leaving.

twentyeightagain · 01/09/2012 08:43

Sounds like he's feeling overwhelmed ( new house, loads to do etc etc) BUT no excuse for way he's behaving. If I was you, I would do what you put in your post - sit and write him a letter, go out for a while with DD and leave him with the boxes ! If you've got so much to do on house and garden, tell him to pick some testers then you can BOTH decide the colours. When he's angry in front of DD or snatches, tell him this is what she will do. See if this hits home when he see it all in black and white? Not easy for you but stressful time for you both I think.

Offred · 01/09/2012 08:47

Tbh I don't think it matters if he is "feeling overwhelmed"... How he responds to "feeling overwhelmed" is what matters and you can't actually change that for him. The fact he feels entitled to sex means he is sexually abusive if he hasn't progressed to unveiled rape at some point (during leaving) he may well. It is not something you can solve a man who belittles and abuses you and feels entitled to sex and it is not because of feeling overwhelmed, it has come out because of feeling overwhelmed.

twentyeightagain · 01/09/2012 08:49

Eyesdomorethansee - oh, I'm sorry, I missed the bit in your post about sex (!). Oh no - not good. Think you need to have some time to think. Can u takeDD with you to stay somewhere ie family for a night.?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/09/2012 10:24

"I have no way to support myself if i throw him out. Nor could I afford to stay in the house we bought. "

He is very unlikely to change so you're going to have to find solutions to the above one way or another. First step is a solicitor because you need proper information about what would happen in the event of a divorce. Next check with on-line resources and your local authority what financial help is available for single parents. Talk to friends and family and get their support. Once you have all of that, then set it out for your DH. Always best to go into a negotiation from a position of strength, fully armed with the fact, rather than thinking you have no alternative....

EyesDoMoreThanSee · 01/09/2012 18:16

Well apologies for delay in answering. Ater I posted I decided to follow through with my idea. I have had the most amazing fun fabulous day with my toddler.

I wrote dh a letter after I posted, didnt swear in it once, explained i was taking DD out but would be home by bedtime, just so he didn't do something stupid like ring the police. then I ran a bath for both of us, because minimum interaction needed with DH, splashed for ages, then we both got dressed, grabbed our bag and left. Didn't even say goodbye. Filled up with fuel and spent the entire day at a farm park. Toddler thought all her Christmases were come at once as it was true 1-2-1 time with her, I wasn't rushing about ensuring DH had coffee and was happy and doing what he wanted etc, we just did what DD wanted. It was awesome. Just so much fun.

DH texted once to say my letter made him sad. We got home at half four and he wisely didn't text me again. We haven't spoken properly yet but I will be seeking legal advice as to the position I find myself in. I feel much stronger for having followed through with my thoughts last night of going out just DD and I all day. We had a lot of fun. And I realise just what I miss when I have to look after DH too.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 01/09/2012 18:19

That's what your life could be like all the time Smile.

Offred · 01/09/2012 18:26

Fingers crossed for you. Smile

EyesDoMoreThanSee · 02/09/2012 08:47

DH does not appear to have changed much, the evening was spent in silence and when I bluntly asked if he wanted to be married to me I got little more than a less than enthusiastic grunt.

I am not quite sure where it went wrong

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/09/2012 08:59

There's never one point where it goes wrong. It's the old 'growing apart' thing when what's holding you together gets weaker and weaker until finally you've got very little in common and the affection is gone. It's just one of those things.

EyesDoMoreThanSee · 02/09/2012 09:04

I have decided that he has until the end of September, if he has not changed or if he continues to mock me I will ask that he leaves and I will file for divorce next year.

Irony being that I will have to give up my PhD to go back to work and that will mean moving. Again. And to a different part of the country as well.

OP posts:
BlackTieNTails · 02/09/2012 10:04

you cant change someone else, only yourself

from your OP, sounds like you both need to work on your expectations.

DoingItForMyself · 02/09/2012 10:56

He sounds like an arsehole and unless he does some serious work on his attitude before the end of the month you should plan to leave him, sorry.

You can't spend your life tiptoeing around him, trying to keep him happy "rushing about ensuring DH had coffee and was happy and doing what he wanted etc" when you should be having fun with DD. He's acting like a spoilt child.

Whatever issues he may have, he is the only one who can change his behaviour so this is not a problem YOU have to sort out. Make it quite clear what is/is not acceptable behaviour and give him ONE chance to make the changes necessary, but do not waste any more time than necessary on this man.

I know he is your DD's dad - he still will be even if you are not together, but his attitude towards her (because she's not 'perfect'?) sucks and will make both you and her miserable.

Agree with akaemmafrost, imagine that your lovely day out was how your life could be every day. Good luck x

DoingItForMyself · 02/09/2012 10:57

In fact, re-reading your posts I wouldn't even give him one chance Sad

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