The silly,stupid woman his finally manned up and told him

[AugustBirthday]

I have posted about my relationship with dh inthe past under a different name and tbh was told I was what I have written above ^^
We have been together for almost 20 years with 2 children one of whom is severely autistic .
Husband smokes weed,drinks too much and has in the past formed emotional relationships with other women.
I am the lazy fat one with long standing mental health problems.
Things have been very frought over the last few months and tonight after getting another mouthful of abuse I told him that I don't love him any more, how could I love someone who has no respect for me and frankly treats me like a piece of shit.
Of course I am to blame for all of this and he will get the house and the children and I should just fuck off but that is'nt going to happen is it?
I am really scared right now, pleased that I have found the courage to at least begin the process of ending things but equally terrified about what will happen in the coming days and weeks.
Does anyone please have any wise words to help me or even tell me that it is going to be ok.

No, it's not going to happen. He just wants to frighten you into backing down and accepting what he's prepared to offer.

You will be ok.

Goodness, no wise words but in awe of your strength and honesty. I hope you're ok and have rl support. Good luck op.

Well done. Only wise thing I can say is keep saying positive affirmations to yourself instead of negative ones. Also it won't happen overnight but don't give in as it'll be so very worth it in the end.

Best of luck chick

Well done. Continue to do whatever gives you confidence and makes you happy. This will only make you stronger. Each day is a day farther from what you wish escape. And yes it will be ok.

Well done.

He won't get the house and children. As you are married, assets will be split and, unless there are extreme circumstances, you are much more likely as the mother to get custody.

You need to see a family law solicitor as soon as possible to verify your position. Many of them will do first half hour free appts, make a list of questions and make as good use of this time as you can.

Yes it will be ok, you will be happier, stronger, lighter in spirit once this is over. Stay strong, you've done the first most difficult step, you can do this.

Thank you.
It feels strange and I know I will have to find a huge amount of strength to carry this through.
I am however in my bed tonight after months of sleeping on the sofa to keep a distance but stuff it he will sleep there tonight .

Oh I did that. Exdh wasn't nasty but just weird. I ended up on the top bunk whilst dss shared bottom one!

Am off to bed now but keep strong chick. x

Can't believe how patronising and cruel some comments are but never mind August you're doing absolutely the right thing by the sound of it, for you and the children. Some reading you may find useful:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships
(Re Shelter, if you are not in England follow the link at the top)

I done this just over a year ago. When I was 7 months preg. It was hard. And very stressful. Good luck and no matter what he says keep your head held high. Life will be so much better in the long run.

High five, honey!! Now you've started, you may as well finish him off

Next time he talks out of his arse tells you that he's going to get the house and dc and you should just fuck off, raise one eybrow, give him a quizzical look, and calmly say 'Is that so? Are you certain you've got that right?' and let him stew.

The only way to deal with a bully is to call them on their behaviour and face them down, and you'll get all the moral support you need to get out from under on this board.

As advised by tmmateotm above, your next task is to make an apppointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and who offers a free half hour initial consultation. Post on the Legal matters board for recommendations or locate your nearest Women's Aid branch here www.womensaid.org.uk and ask them to recommend a solicitor in your area.

If at any time he kicks off and you feel scared of what he might do, simply call 999 and get the police involved. They'll have a word with him and may advise him to stay elsewhere for a night or 2.

Please note that there's no shame in doing this and he won't be arrested unless the police have reason to believe that he's committed a criminal offence.

It's often the case that the arrival of the boys/girls in blue sends a powerful message to a bully that no further abuse is going to be tolerated by his victim - and, make no mistake, what he's done to you over the years is victimisation for which, had it happened in the workplace, you'd be in line for compensation.

When the going gets tough keep going, honey, - and it will be ok faster than you think possible.

Wow, olega,that is really useful thank you.
Izzy you posted on my last thread, a few months ago now and were bloody lovely :)
He wants the house, he can have it as far as i'm concerned but even with my depression which is in all likelyhood associated with a shitty home life there is no court in the land which would give him primary custody of our children. I can't even remember the last time he took our disabled child out of the house on his own! Plus all the weed all the fecking time.

I moved out and rented privately. Exdh wasn't budging.

You sound even better today

"he can have it as far as i'm concerned "

Do get a solicitor. You've made an important first step and what you'll need next is some solid, professional back-up. I know how draining it must be at the moment but don't let wanting to move on mean you sell either yourself or your children short in the process. Very best of luck

Jeez Mama, am struggling today abit already!
He is being nice, not really talking to me which is fine but has taken dd and the dog out already which is very unusual.
No going back though now, kids back at school next week so I will be able to look into things.
I was laughing at something on here earlier, he hates mn and he said was I telling everyone about what a cunt he is, nice.
I certainly won't put up with being called that name again.

Oh he may start to be nice to get you back on side. It won't last though.

Of course he's nice when backed into a corner. Pity he couldn't be that nice for more of the last 20 years, eh? He's gambling that you'll weaken and that you're regretting your decision. Stay strong...

That sounds about right,it's just a real shame that he can't be nice for the majority of the time because when he is things are ok.