Advice on Muslim etiquette please.

[QuietTiger]

I need some etiquette (and cultural) advice.

Long story short, I tutored a Bengali girl (for free) for her GCSE's - I've also acted as her "mentor" for the last couple of years. She did exceptionally well in her GCSE's (parents and I are very proud of her) and as a thank you her parents have invited me and DH to dinner at their house.

They are a very traditional, devout Bengali Muslim family - mum speaks no English (came over from Bangladesh when she got married), dad is clearly the "head" of the household, children are Bangladesh born, UK educated. Compared to DH & I, they have very, very little and live in a very rough part of the city. Dad is a very well thought of in the Bengali/Muslim community.
(This is all just to give context).

Basically, I've accepted the dinner invitation and I don't want to cause offence when we go to dinner by doing something "inappropriate". I know the obvious one is not to take alcohol as a gift, and had planned to take some really nice chocolates instead. I also know that we should do simple things like me making sure I am wearing a leopard print bikini modest clothing, with my arms covered, taking our shoes off at the door, etc, but is there anything else?

I really don't want to cause offence, as we've actually be given a big honour by being invited into their home and I really have very little idea of firstly, what etiquette is with DH who is laid back enough to do what he is told & is respectful of different culture, (but he's also a traditional British farmer who's grown up in a very insular rural environment, so enough said).

Does anyone have any cultural points I should take on board?

Thanks. QT

QT - I think as long as you are polite then no one will be offended. The only thing I can think of from my time working with Muslims (Imans) is that as a woman you should not offer your hand as not all Muslim or Jewish men will shake hands or touch an unknown woman. However, if he offers his hand then he is displaying that he is okay with it, or that he is familiar with Western manners and is making an effort for you.

Some Muslims don't eat with their left hand or pass items using their left hand.

Make sure the chocolates don't contain alcohol. If there is an area near you with a large number of Asian shops you may be better off buying some sweets from one of them. Many of the sweet shops near me do lovely trays of sweets to give as gifts.

Have fun and enjoy the food - I've found homemade Indian food to be far superior to the stuff served in Indian restaurants.

Just be yourselves! You aren't going to enjoy it of you get too get up.

I sympathise though. I have Muslim neighbours who have surprised me really as I was also keen not to offend. Dd was out sunbathing in her bikini and I said she should perhaps cover up as we only have a low fence. Next day the wife bounded over to me in the park for a chat and complimented my dd on her figure! ( dd is a teen and they have teen sons) so I have relaxed a bit now.

world I agree about the food!

Hopefully there are some Muslim ladies who can really help better than I.

I live in a Muslim country, and if I were in your shoes here (and I appreciate it could be different for you) I would tell DH not to shake the Mother's hand unless she offers it first, but not to be offended if she doesn't. Here, the Muslim women often don't have any physical contact with men. No kissing unless they grab you.
Another thing we are told is don't touch food with your left hand (cutlery held in the left hand is fine).

Again, I hope someone can give you better info as mine is based on the Arab-Muslim culture.

They are likely to be as nervous as you, but try to relax and enjoy the time with them.

I should type quicker lol!

Relax, sounds like it will be a lovely evening. You have been great doing the tutoring and you all have lots to celebrate. Shoes off and smiles will see you through.

When in England, behave like an English person. Be yourself. You've identified the main points of etiquette but I don't think anyone will appreciate you trying to be like a muslim for the evening. Could come across as very patronising....

Sounds like it'll be a lovely evening.

My best friend at uni came from a very traditional Muslim background and one weekend she invited me over to stay. I completely fucked up. I took alcoholic chocolates, kissed her dad one both cheeks before he could move away, came down for breakfast in bottoms and a vest top and just generally arsed it up.

However, they (as the people you're talking about do) lived in the UK and were used to people not having the same conventions as them and doing certain things (like cheek kissing) out of habit.

Her parents were a bit but actually found it hilarious because I just kept apologising all weekend. I think as long as you're polite, sensitive and make an effort to respect their culture, it'll be fine. They'll forgive any faux pars, although it sounds like you're much more prepared than I was.

Shoes off, take sweets or flowers and enjoy yourselves. As others have said, your hosts will understand non traditional Muslim ways and will probably go out of their way to make you comfortable.

Thanks guys. Feeling I might make less of a cock-up now. :)

All advice here is excellent and so spot-on. Also QuietTiger I assume they already think very highly of you, and there isn't much you could do wrong to fall off that pedestal, as they have welcomed you into their lives as the tutor and mentor of their daughter.

All good advice already, just enjoy yourself and eat lots that will make the mother prud.

Don't eat with your left hand, if you're offered something on a plate take the piece nearest you. don't reach over for something.

Sounds lovely.

Great advice on here already. Your hosts will be anxious to make you feel comfortable. As already said, it is very rare that men and women shake hands or kiss on the cheek with the opposite sex. So even if the men shake hands, don't assume that the dad will shake your hand, and if the mum shakes your hand or kisses you on the cheek, she may not do any of those with your DH. hope this helps.