What to do?

[sinead300]

Just saw on my dh phone yest that there were texts back and forth to a sex website thing where you exchange pics, say things of a sexual nature, but don't actually meet up.
We have had a rough year, at Christmas he finally gave up online gambling after we literally had no money, he had tried several times to do it, but it took til it was really bad and then he started gamblers anonymous and goes there once a week.

A lot of my trust and respect went at this point.
He is quite an egotist who gets bored easily. We have three little ones and he is pretty good with them.
He is on and off anti depressants since I met him and has been very very aggressive in the last few months, not physically but verbally.

I thought I had gone through enough. I know our sex life is not brill and I know it's because of my levels of trust , respect and the fact he had at least three major rows with me every week over small things.

He says he will really sort himself out but I don't know if I can do it anymore.

There's not really a lot going on in his favour, is there? An agressive, selfish man with a history of depression, a gambling problem and now you find he's wiggling his willy at sex websites? Sounds like he's had a lot of chances to reform and has simply let you down every step of the way. Maybe he can sort himself out but I don't think anyone would blame you if you weren't there any more while he did it. He doesn't deserve your patience. Good luck

I think if I was single the decision would be do easy..but I really feel awful to totally change the children's lives. I defo haven't been wanting too much in the way of sexual relations... He says he is a young enough man and has been saying it for ages and is totally sexually frustrated and then I find this on his phone

You're not the one trawling sex sites, gambling the family money, being verbally aggressive and pressurising someone for sex against their will. Your children are currently growing up with your marriage as their template for a healthy adult relationship and how loving men and women treat each other. Not great, is it?

Why do you feel awful about changing the children's lives?

Don't feel bad about changing the kids lives. My parents stayed in their awful marriage supposedly for our sakes and the result was emotional carnage. I was over the moon when they finally divorced.Change can be for the better you know.

I'm probably fairly conservative and come from conservative background and feel like the children love having a mum and dad together.
After a few blips and when he started ga he had never gambled again. He rang docs this morning to sort out his tablets and he told me he had rang a counsellor a couple weeks ago when he started to look at these sex websites.
I know I am not the most tactile of women but I think for the sake of the children I had to build a wall and stay strong around them.

That's a bit of a turnaround. It's one thing to choose to sacrifice your happiness and self-worth just so your kids can say they grew up under the same roof as their father. It's quite another to delude yourself that suddenly all the problems... the aggression, the sex chat, the gambling, the sex-pestering.... are a thing of the past.

If you divorce the self-obsessed bellend you married, the only way you'd be changing the lives of your dc would be for the better as you'd be able to create an environment in which they can thrive and become all that they can be.

I know, I'm not deluding myself, more asking advice if that sounds like the kind of person who can really change. I'm just so so low, I feel sick. Thanks for your replies

I'm sorry you feel so low and sick. But I think you've realised that he isn't going to change because all he seems to do is make promises before swapping one bad behaviour for another one. That's quite a shocking thing to take in and I know it's not what you want to hear.

How you take it forward only you can decide, of course. But do appreciate that your well-being, self-worth and happiness is just as important as anyone else's in your family, including your children.

Sorry you're feeling low Sinead but from what you've written, it doesn't sound very likely that he's just going to stop this kind of behaviour.

He's basically swapped from one "thrill" to another. So if he stops the sex sites, what's next?
It doesn't matter that you've not been very sexual with him lately, it's not a reason to start looking at and participating in online sites, it's not your fault he's done this, he made the decision to register and he knew it was wrong.

You are worth much more than this kind of treatment, so are your DC.
Yes, it would be easier if you were single (as in just you, no DC) but you do have them and they are a huge part of the reason why you shouldn't accept his treatment of you. If you stay with him just because of the DC, it'll do them more harm than good, in the long term.