Need support to finally end things with depressed/addicted partner

[kunoichi]

I've posted about my problems with my BF before on the AIBU thread, but since several months (and many events) have passed I thought it best to start a new thread and desperately need support.

BF and I have been together for almost three years, much of which has been made me and my children feel terrible day to day. I feel ashamed to say that my previous relationship to this one had been to an abusive husband from whom me and my eldest two had to flee to Refuge to escape. I should have seen the signs and run much earlier...

Back to the case in point.

My boyfriend suffers from depression and is a long time smoker of mary jane. He smokes a lot (he says to "self-medicate" his depression) and until recently has smoked 60-80 pounds worth each week, all of which came from his JSA. Most of the time we lived together, with DS1 (now 16) and DD (7) though he kept his place in a shared house (with hindsight, so he'd have somewhere to go when I couldn't put up with him any longer). Through all this time, I've provided and paid for everything - food, rent, all the bills, tobacco, running him round wherever he needed to go. I'm a self-employed WAHM, barely earning anything tbh and we struggle.

BF and I had a major split last year. I missed him terribly and was very ill for the fortnight we were apart, which I later discovered to be the first few weeks of pregnancy which blessed us with a beautiful baby son (who will turn one in just a couple of weeks). When we discovered the pregnancy, he made so many promises about how he would change, find a job, provide for us all, help me bring up ALL of the children, etc. But towards the end of my (awful, poorly painful) pregnancy I realised that wasn't going to happen.

For a little while after DS2 was born, things were really good. BF was helpful (baby was born 6 weeks premature, I'd had a cesarean, and was BF- still am!), though after a while things began to get worse than ever. By the time I was well, he'd sleep all day (often 12-14 hours a day) and be awake all night, smoking dope from the moment he got up in the evening through to going to bed at some point during the day.

Through numerous arguments and times when we had come so close to splitting up, he has-

• Blamed his depression, been to the doctors for help and refused to follow it up

• Blamed his weed habit, been to the doctors and refused to attend drug counselling sessions

• Promised to start earning money (he wanted to become "properly" self-employed) but made excuses not to go to courses provided by the jobcentre

• Refused to even apply for a £17k/year job my sister recommended him for (which in all likelihood he would have got) because he doesn't want to have a boss telling him what to do

Theres so much I could write here. The main thing is that through all of this I've been miserable. My kids have been miserable. BF can't/wont help look after DS2 who recently has started to cry if I leave him with his dad for more than a few moments.

In recent weeks he did make big efforts to improve - almost a fortnight of being on a daytime schedule (as in, getting up before midday), helping a bit more round the house, making things to sell and earn a little (albeit only £20 which he promptly spent on weed and craft supplies rather than the clothes DS2 desperately needs). But after an argument about our 6 month lack of a sex life, he reverted right back to sleeping through the day and smoking more again. After so long being unhappy I just found it impossible to feel like being intimate with him and eventually explained this, though I know the lack of sexy time doesn't help matters.

Tonight it all came to a head. BF ran out of weed yesterday and had no money left for more. So he couldn't sleep (or so he said) until 7 this morning, just before I got up with the kids. After a long and stressful day for me and the children (school clothes shopping followed by 4 hours helping DS1 enrol at college - he has learning difficulties and needed my support), BF finally got up at 6.30pm.

Needless to say I was not impressed. We had the usual "I'm sorry for getting up late, couldn't sleep without weed, you understand", though when I remarked that he must have had at least 7 hours undisturbed while we'd been out he flew off the handle. Ultimately because the false apology was because he wanted to "borrow" £10 for a fix, knowing that CTC went into my account today.

Baby was b/f-ing, trying to go down to sleep for the night at this point so I threw him a tenner and told him to stop, at which point he began shouting, almost screaming because he felt hurt that I was angry about his behaviour and had "forgotten about how much effort he'd put in the past fortnight".

Finally he hit the wall beside us. I told him it was unacceptable and that he needed to spend the night at his place to calm down. He point blank refused to leave. I told him he didn't have a choice. He said "fine, but I'm taking baby with me". We both know he couldn't cope (and he tried to tell me that I can't cope!). He asked how I was going to make him leave, so I said I'd call the police if he wouldn't go. Not an idle threat either, when he called my bluff I called them right in front of him, after which he begged me to call back and cancel, telling me I should have regretted it (which I don't) and that it wasn't nescessary, etc.

All the local kids were playing out when the police arrived. Luckily DD was next door playing with my best friends daughter and didn't see, DS1 was upstairs keeping out of thw way. The police talked to us both, and told BF that we both needed space and he should leave for the night. He begged not to go, but they explained it was no longer a choice and gave him a lift in the police car.

BF will be coming back tomorrow so we can "talk" but it was SUCH a relief when he went. I went straight upstairs to talk to DS1 and we were both in tears, DS told me he didnt want him to ever come back =(

I really have had enough now. I want this relationship to be over, to focus on my kids and learn to be happy again, not be angry and stressed all the time. Tomorrow he's likely to be here at the crack of dawn, full of apology and false promises, threats to take baby with him (he knows how frightening that prospect is to me).

I know I need to stay strong but I'm truly dreading this. I want to suggest a 3 month break, so he can get his act together before moving back in with us, but this will be repellant to him, presumably he thinks by being so close he can make me put up with his behaviour.

Sorry for this incredibly long opening post. I'd truly, gratefully love any advice or support to help me get through what I can only assume is a dreadfulday ahead.

I don't know if I can give any good advice, but I want you to know you are very strong, and I'm sure you'll manage wonderfully.

I would suggest that you don't have your conversation with him until YOU are ready. If that means after DD is at school and DS1 has somewhere safe and quiet to go, then so be it.

I am proud of you for making this decision, it's a good one!

When he comes back tell him through the locked entry door that you don't wish to talk about 'it', it's over, and if he persists in trying to engage you in conversation you'll call the police and have him removed again - and DO IT!

If should feel a need to tell him face to face for form's sake that he's out of your life and out of your home until he shapes up and makes good on his promises by cleaning up his act, getting a full-time job, etc - which you and I and everyone else knows will never come to pass - make sure that this conversation takes place in a cafe/restaurant/park or other public venue.

As a matter of urgency, change your locks and vow to never let him over your threshold again.

Go to your GP and ask to be referred for counselling to work out why you can't see the red flags flying when it comes to choosing abusive men as your partners, and also consider getting counselling for your dc so that the abuse you've endured and they've witnessed is not something that they find themselves receiving or giving in their adult relationships.

A 3 month break? Don't be ridiculous. You need this man out and gone for your children's sake more than yours. You need to work on your self esteem so you never allow any man to walk all over you again. I'm truly shocked that you would even consider staying with him! Don't you think, once you have had to call the police to get him out, that the relationship is dead dead dead?

Why do you need to talk? Just text him and say the relationship is over and you do not want to speak to him anymore if he tries to come round you will call the police. You owe him nothing, he doesn't live with you and he has no right to be in your house.

A three month break isn't long enough. A year maybe if you really want to give him another chance but personally I would cut your losses.

The weed smoking. Saying he couldn't sleep is most likely true. My stbxh had withdrawals when he ran out or tried to stop. He would sweat and was highly irritable. I am willing to bet you most of our arguements were when he had ran out.

I wasted eight years thinking he would stop, change. He never did.

If you really want a break, make it a year, because your BF may to find that job, may do what he has to, then slip right back into doing nothing and smoking dope again. A year will give you a better idea if he has changed.

Don't suggest a three month break. Bin the loser.
You really don't have to have a man in your life, you know.

Don't take him back, just get on with your life, you deserve more than him. Long term weed smokers become completely apathetic-I doubt you will see any change in him. Move on, there are better things ahead for you and your family.

I would strongly advise you to change the locks as soon as possible. You do not have to have any discussions with him in your home if you don't feel comfortable, which I'm sure you don't given his tendency to aggression when the heavy manipulation isn't working.

I would also advise that none of your children are present if you have this talk. The ultimate way to control a mum is to threaten to take her baby, and he has made this threat.

You know you don't have to have a conversation with him don't you? You don't have to be intimidated by anyone.

Try calling women's aid, their number should be at the top of this page.

Hi op.I totally agree with lady,a year minimum.I have been in a similar relationship although my husband has been contributing more to family life...this man is your other child who literally doors nothing but sponge off you financially and psychologically! Yes he may get withdrawal symptoms but they are psychological and he sounds far too selfish and comfortable to make any lasting change.I work with drug users, have done for ten years, and though I will probably get slated for saying this, give me any other type of drug user than a cannabis user as a client! Heavy cannabis users seem to be the most self absorbed and put the most barriers up to stopping their use. You and your DC need proper space. He will try all the guilt trips..am happy to be here to support you.you have done so much and sound like a great mum.I also think that a year down the line, he is very unlikely to have changed his self entitled and immature out look and you will not want to slide back into the misery you have been existing in.he is your babies Dad, but is ridiculous and incredibly cruel to threaten to take him.I suggest that you have to be tougher here.if he threatens to take him again,I would advise him that you would have no choice but to contact social services as it would be a child protection issue for a weed addicted man, with no funds or parenting skills, to remove child from breast feeding mother. Also, the police will have had to notify social services that there was a domestic incident that they attended, so you should get a letter from them anyway.do not panic at this, you are the one protecting your children here.and social services can be great at putting you in touch with support services..is your health visitor any good? She could link you up too

Thank you all for your support, I felt I really needed it this morning and probably still do.

Of course BF got in touch, he tried to call while I was driving and turned up unannounced shortly afterwards (which I'd kind of expected).

Things started off awful as at first we stood outside (I really needed a ciggy!) and he snapped at my neighbours daughter who asked where he had slept last night (all the local kids had been witness to our argument and the police visit last night). The little girl ran home heartbroken, and shortly after my neighbour came round (all local kids in entourage) to speak with him about it =/

We had "the talk" while DD was with my neighbour and DS1 keeping out of the way upstairs, though had no choice about DS2 being there. He did his best to persuade me that he was worth (yet) another chance, but I was firm and explained that it simply wasn't fair on me and the DCs to take another chance.

He was really upset, we both were - any break up is awful I'm sure! He collected some clothes said goodbye to DS2 and left. Just one message since asking me to give baby a hug from him, though I'm sure he'll be in touch in a couple of days as he was too upset to bring up the subject of when and how he can see baby.

I did explain that I WILL NOT stop him seeing baby unless he gives me a reason to prevent it (he knows how bad breaking up with DD's dad was, and that we'd had to go through court to make it safe for me) so I'm hopeful he'll behave in that respect.

I'd called Dad earlier in the morning and we've had several long chats through the day - he's been very supportive and understanding as has my best friend who luckily lives next door.

Still I have this awful dread that this has separated DS2 from his dad. He has been understandably unsettled, we all have, though I'm pretty certain I've made the right choice. Now ex-BF tells me he will prove he can change (come off weed, get a job, calm his temper, etc) and I sincerely hope he will for baby's sake.

In just a couple of weeks, (ex)BF's mum has planned to visit for DS2's birthday (she lives in Greece), and I would still like for her to visit baby and maintain the relationship with her as she's such a lovely Nanna and a wonderful woman to boot - we always got on well, and I have no doubt she'll be chastising exBF for how he's treated us. I just hope she will understand that I can't take him back.

IMHO things may get a little worse before they begin to get better. This is only day one, soon enough the enormity and seriousness of our split may hit exBF hard and I have no doubt I'll receive late-night texts (perhaps the odd impromptu visit), especially when we begin arrangements for him to visit our son.

All of your advice and encouragement so far has helped me stay strong, thank you all for your support so far xxx

change the locks as your first priority tomorrow.

Well done. You are doing exactly the right thing. If he is serious about changing his life, getting a job, etc etc he now has a chance to do it. He doesn't need to move back in- if he is long term about this there is plenty of time after he has straightened himself out for you to rebuild your relationship.

You need to concentrate on you and your kids now, and let him sort out his own issues. You've done what you can. He has been extremely unfair and selfish towards you and your DCs so don't waste your time feeling that sympathy for him.

That sounds harsh- but I have been in a similar situation to you, and if you focus on yourself and your DCs needs, I am sure you will be able to change your life positively. If you keep trying to get him to change you will keep banging your head against the wall. He's the only one who can change him.

Good luck and stay strong. Focus on you and the kids.

Wow, well done, very strong and very calm.

Amazing, well done.you sound really measured and fairly confident.you are doing so well x x