Leaving an EA man, need to know if I can change locks

[Giantbonsai]

Hello, never posted before, long time lurker.
I'm trying to escape an emotionally abusive partner, not husband. We have a joint mortgage, to which he initially brought nothing, my parents and I put in £70k between us. That was five years ago and he's paid half the mortgage and done a bit of building work since then. He is massively entitled and furious that I've made the decision to split from him.
We have three young children, aged six, four and two.
After a hellish summer of him treating place like a hotel, while I look after kids and keep house going while enduring emotional assault, plus actually calling police on him. He was released on caution, claims they knew I'd set him up!
Sorry, it's all a bit long. I could go on forever about the details.
He has finally agreed to be bought out of our house for 35k, he believes this is not enough. But, we have to keep his name on the mortgage, as even with my dad as guarantor I can't get another mortgage. He has agreed, but only for two years. He also said that as he will be a trustee, with his name still on the title deeds I won't be allowed to change the locks. I feel sick at the thought of him being able to walk in and out. In fact I don't want the house if I can't keep him out of it.
So is it true? Am I not allowed to change the locks?
I posted this on legal too, but I know relationships gets more traffic.

Thanks
Gb

From what you've said the 'work' he's done is no more than that which is usual to create or enhance a home for one's own pleasure rather than making substantial alterations/improvements with a view to increasing the resale value of a property.

Let's say that you realise a profit of £120k from a sale of your home, of which you can prove you put up £60k which leaves £60k minus estate agents fees to be split between you.

Deduct £10k from his £30k to repay the debt he owes your df and a further £5k for the car loan. His share is now £15k minus his 50% contribution towards sale fees ergo £15k is the ballpark figure from which negotiations downwards begin.

As for him being advised not to leave because it may 'damage his financial entitlement', that is pure and utter bullshit which he's dreamed up in order to be able to put the screws on you by tormenting you whenever it suits him.

Twunts like him are tediously predictable inevitably capable of deviousness because they're immoral little fuckers who don't scruple to use underhanded means in their attempts to get what they want, and what they lack in IQ they make up for in cunning.

But don't despair as there are numerous ways in which you can play him at his own game see him off.

I'm astounded, but not unduly surprised, that your police force appear to have been extremely lax in not putting you in touch with a dv worker or forwarding a report to SS as they are duty bound to do when dc are present at a dv incident.

Nevertheless, you have more than sufficient grounds to apply for occupation and non-mol Orders and I would suggest you locate your local Women's Aid branch here www.womensaid.org.uk and ask them to recommend a solicitor who specialises in dv/family law cases to get that particular ball rolling.

As living with this abusive arsehole has clearly taken its toll on you and, I suspect, reduced you to a shadow of your former self, it seems to me that you are long overdue for an injection of some serious lead into your pencil and I intend to turn my mind to that matter in my next response.

In the meantime, your first port of call should be a solicitor who specialises in dv as above because in order to level the playing field, so to speak, we need to flatten run a heavy lawn roller over him prior to commencing financial negotiations that will see you and your long suffering df out of hock to this odious man.

Please amend the above to my 'next but one' response - and possibly next but next but depending on your reponse to the above and to this addition to it.

The problem with changing/adding locks is that this cunning little piece of gobshite is most probably aware that, in the absence of any Court order to the contrary, while he's named on the deeds/mortgage he is legally entitled to break into the property if he can't gain access any other way and there's bugger all you'll be able to do about it as the police will be powerless to prevent him or remove him unless he's kicking off they have reason to believe that he presents a danger to you or the dc or is causing a breach of the peace.

You've mentioned that he cares for the dc one day a week in your home. Do you have an alternative source of childcare on hand should he be unable to care for them?

I do, but our childminder is his sister. She is a lovely woman, a friend to me, and knows what he's like. She's called the police on him herself many years ago. But she's still his sister.
He came home tonight and wanted to know where the new contract was. I tried to stall, but he just got pissed off and demanded to know what was going on. I eventually told him I was upset about the idea of not being able to change the locks, it made me reconsider whether I wanted the house and so needed time to think.
He said, change the bloody locks then, I don't care, why are you making everything so difficult.
Then he said I thought it would be good if I had some keys, in case the kids need anything and you're not around.
I said no, I don't think that's a good idea.
He got really angry with me, for messing him around. Said he just wanted to get on with his life, and he can't get a flat until he has his money. Called me a fucking cunting woman. And hissed bitch, bitch, bitch at me.
Oh god, there's lots more. All in front of kids. I have always said he can have 50/50 care, but just can't let them go to him can I?

You do realise that when he kicked off in front of the dc, you had good cause to call the police and have him removed? Why didn't you call them?

Because it wasn't a complete frenzy, and because I'd left my phone somewhere by accident. He was eventually told to go away so we can chill out and have a story, by my brave daughter, aged four. And backed up by her sister, non verbal, nearly two. She said go, he said what, you want me to go baba? She said yes, go, and pointed to the door.
He burst into tears and went downstairs.
Felt awful, we all had a little weep. Then we read lots of bedtime stories.

Out of the mouths of babes, but Mummy is going to have to man up if she doesn't want her dc subjected to any more of their abusive father's shitty behaviour.

You can't let this happen again, honey. Your dc have seen and heard more in their young lives than is good for them and this shameful episode has to be the last.

Everything izzy said. Also whatever that secret of yours is that he is trying to blackmail you with, I doubt any court would give a monkeys about it. And unless he can prove it, deny deny deny.

That episode you described above, you can still log it with the police now you know. He sounds pretty intimidating :(

He really is a shit. You do not have to put up with this behaviour. You can call the police any time he becomes aggressive and they will come and remove him if necessary. (Also, the more incidents they have on record, the stronger your case for an order forcing him out of the house).

There's no need to air your 'dark secret' on MN, obviously, but: If it's a physical or mental health issue you had in the past, it might help to talk to a healthcare professional about it. If you were involved in the commision of a crime of some kind/benefit fraud or something, there are likely to be advice lines you can call in confidence to find out what to do next.
Please believe that I am kind of thinking out loud, I don't know you and have no idea what the issue might be, and if I do hit on it or close to it then that's just co-incidence. There are also things that an abusive wanker like this man might have convinced you are 'terrible secrets' when they are not eg you were the victim of a crime in the past and he has told you that this makes you 'bad' on some way.