Feeling hurt and betrayed and alone.

[WorryDoll]

I split with my ex a couple of months ago. He had serious issues accepting reality and I got reams of abusive emails, texts and phone calls for weeks. Through all of that I tried to maintain a relationship between him and my kids (not his, we were together 6 years and they are 12 and 13). I kept giving him chances, he kept using the threat of not seeing them to get at me, he kept manipulating and trying to control me by using my kids.

I got talked into letting him come on a holiday we'd booked, his mother promised me he'd behave and for most of the week he was fine. On the last night he got horrendously drunk and came back to the cottage shouting abuse at me, following me around shouting at me and generally being a bastard. I tried very hard to stop my kids hearing it, and went up to bed. He followed me, got into bed with me, pinned me down and sexually assaulted me. He made me bleed. If I hadn't managed to get a knee up under his ribs hard enough to hurt and shock him I don't think he'd have stopped. When he did stop he was so fucking drunk that he had to crawl down the stairs to sleep. He then kicked my (scared and upset - he'd heard me screaming at him to stop) 13 year old son out of his bed so he could sleep there.

The next morning I had 2 upset kids to deal with. Ex threatening suicide. I phoned his mum and she said I had to calm him down enough to drive us home - I had no money for train fare for the 3 of us. So I did. I switched myself off, made out it wasn't that bad, calmed him down, calmed the kids down and sat in a car for 3 hours with him to get home.

Since he can't remember it, he's decided it's not that bad. His family are protecting him. They've booked expensive counselling, said he'll stop drinking and taking drugs, keep trying to tell me he's a good man really. He won't be honest with people about what he did to me and nobody believes it of me so I'm literally left with 2 friends for support.

I'm falling apart. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I hardly move. I've been through enough of this before. I had PTSD from my kid's dad raping, abusing and beating me and I worked so, so hard to get over it and he's using the fact that I was ill to "prove" to friends that I'm lying.

I just don't know what to do. I've been trying hard to manage it on my own and I clearly can't.

We initially split 2 years ago. And I had EMDR therapy and got over the PTSD that I had. I have been fine for well over a year. We had relate counselling last year and the counsellor kept asking him when he'd stop punishing me for having been ill. She kept telling me I had choices. When she refused to see us any more because she said she couldn't help us unless he addressed his issues I allowed myself to be convinced that it was my fault, that I clearly still wasn't well and wasn't being honest. That she didn't understand what he'd been through with me and if she had she'd never have taken my side.

I feel like it's all my fault.

I have no family. It's literally just me and my kids and my 2 friends. I'm stuck in his town, miles and miles from where I grew up and I feel so isolated. I'm trying so hard to hold it together for my children but I feel like I'm falling apart and I feel like everyone believes him and I there must be something so very wrong with me for this to keep happening to me.

Sorry this is happened to you op. No matter what anyone says, this man is a rapist who needs to be reported. He assaulted you sexually, physically and he doesn't love those kids. If he did, he wouldn't have done such horrendous acts of violence to you around them.

I ignore these people and do what you have to do. They weren't there and don't know what happened. Report this op and good luck.(((((hugs))))

He's not seeing them again. I feel like the threat of reporting him to the police is the only thing keeping him away at the moment. I am too scared to report. it's my word against his and he has so much support and I have none.

I'm so sorry Worry.

Police ought to know. And your doc if he's made you bleed. Rape crisis, and women's aid are other people to talk to, to help you deal with this horrible assault and decide on next steps.

You can't cope with this on your own, you must have help and medical attention, and you've been the victim of a serious crime (with a frightened witness). It's a lot to take in though. Women's aid is 24 hour if you feel you can start there. You have been very badly abused.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Oh my God, you poor, poor soul, that sounds horrendous! This is not your fault at all - and from what you've written I think you do know that. Can you contact an emergency counselling service for some immediate support? Are your two friends near by or on hand?

it was 3 weeks ago. Physically I'm fine now.

I'm sure it's too late to do anything now, and I can't drag my son into it. As far as my kids are concerned he hurt me and that's why they don't see him any more. I can't let them know anything else. My son has already cried and told me he's sorry he couldn't stop him hurting me because he was too scared. I can't drag him into stuff with the police.

One friend is in the next town, 5 minutes away. the other is 2 streets over. She was one of his oldest friends, known him for 20 odd years, but stopped talking to him over a year ago because she was disgusted at the way he was treating me and the fact that since he moved back to his mum's a couple of years ago he's been drinking loads and taking lots of coke, and research chemicals at weekends. Away from me and the kids, but that's why we split. I couldn't take the comedowns and the moodiness and the awfulness that came with it. Being told he had no respect for me and I'm nothing.

I'm sorry. I've just been holding this all in and trying to ignore it and deal with it and just get on and I don't think I can do that.

OP, this is terrible! you poor thing, you are an incredibly strong person! I can't believe this has happened to you.

Ok, I think your son CAN handle this, because it will help him and you heal. he can learn that he CAN do something to protect you, and that is to talk to the police about what happened that night. your son is your ally and I think you should let him have a role in keeping you safe. It's what kids want to do, and it's not necessarily parentifying or bad or anything.

I think you and your kids need family counselling to help you through this, and if your son wants to talk to police, you should let him!

Your starting point has to be to get yourself to your GP and have this incident logged; don't worry, your GP won't involve the police unless you expressly ask them to do so but it is important that there is a record of his attack on you because of the probability that he will try to do something similar again.

It's good that you have got 2 rl friends supporting you but it seems to me that you may benefit from further counselling to help you work out why you have become involved with 2 abusive men in succession. Your GP can refer you for counselling and prescribe anti-ds if you feel you'd benefit from them.

I would also suggest you consider asking for your dc to be referred for counselling too so that they can offload their feelings in a neutral environment where they don't have to put up a front, or pretend for your sake that everything is fine.

You need to cut this abuser and his family out of your life. Is there any particular reason why you should have any contact with him and/or his family? Tell him/them that if they make any further contact with you, you'll involve the police.

Are you happy where you're living or would you prefer to move back to more familiar surroundings where you may have more of a support system in place?

No, my son can't go through that. He's already had counselling after we split a couple of years ago. We've been through a year in a refuge, my being hospitalised by their dad years ago. I stayed single and away from men for years after that.

I think I probably do need to see my GP for some help. I don't think anti depressants are necessarily the answer though. I think I really badly need some sleep, and to tidy my house up and do normal things but I'm just stuck in a kind of nothing state at the moment where I just can't so normal things. I can't seem to manage anything. I've not been calling my friends for the last week or so. I don't want to keep imposing. I can't keep leaning on people. It's not fair on them, I'm not their responsibility.

I have cut him and his family out. I have told him if he contacts us I will go to the police and I think that's all that's keeping him away. all he cares about is himself and how he looks to other people. I've told them I don't want to know and I don't want to hear them protecting him and minimising it all. He's desperate that I don't "torture" him by telling people because it's "overkill" and it'll just make everyone hate him. Thing is nobody bloody believes me anyway, because he makes sure they don't.

My daughter has just gone quiet, since. She's worrying me more right now. She just carries on and says she's ok. She's 12.

Worry you know your kids best, and I'm sure you'll do what is best for them.

Do go to your GP and see if you can get more support. And I think your friends will not be troubled that you need their support. that's what friends do, after all!

Poor you. I think you might benefit from AD op. You are struggling because you are dealing with a lot of harrowingly disastrous experiences.
I believe both kids would benefit from counselling -no kid should ever witness such act of violence against their mother.

Good advice from Izzy and there will be more wisdom and hand holding from others.

I will probably get flamed for this, but I will say it anyway....

Have you talked to your DD about him? Is there any chance that there was any inappropriate behaviour towards her from him?

I dont mean to cause more problems or worry than you already have but her going quiet and his sexual assault on you are worrying me.

Sorry, but I thought long and hard about whether to post this and decided that I would rather post and be wrong and shot down than not post.

No, I haven't, but I will do. I'm fairly certain he would never do that, I don't think that's him, I think he's just not coped well with me being ill before and has not been able to move on from it, or forgive me for it and it's affected him, but I was sure he'd never do this to me too. I can see why you'd say it and think it, and I will talk to her tomorrow just to be sure. We do have a close relationship, and I hope she'd feel ok to talk to me about anything. We do talk about anything and everything. I really just meant she'd gone quiet about the split. My kids only know he hurt me, they don't know that it was sexual assault.

Oh god.

If you don't do it for yourself, you must act for your dc and:

1. Get the incident logged by your GP

1. Get whatever chemical help and counselling you need to sustain you now and in the future

1. Get psychological help for your dc who have had far too many adult matters to contend with in what should have been their untroubled childhoods

1. Use whatever means necessary, police/Court orders etc, to get this man and his relatives out of your life and the lives of your dc - and KEEP HIM OUT forever.

I will go to the GP tomorrow. I have a really good GP, and I will tell him what's happened. I'll tell him what's happened and I really hope he'll give me something to help me sleep. I haven't slept properly since and I'm feeling really out of it with exhaustion. I'm sure he'll refer me for counselling but I know from proper experience that the waiting list in my area is massive.

I know I need to go to the school nurse service to arrange counselling for my children. I have already done this once for my son after ex and I split a couple of years ago. I have always done my best to protect them and shield them from the things that have happened and I am aware that it's all my fault that they've been through so much.

I don't think I currently need court orders. I think the threat of police is enough at the moment, and the fear of people knowing what he's done.

You may have to wait some considerable time for an assessment appointment for NHS counselling.

In the interim locate your local women's aid branch here www.womensaid.co.uk to see if they have any counselling services available or can refer you to another agency.

You and your dc need time to heal and this can best be achieved by experiencing life free of fear for however long it takes to restore their equilibrium.

Once you've got this twunt out of your life please don't rush into another relationship until you've overhauled your twunt alert radar and can see red flags a mile off.

It isn't your fault your children have been through what they have but it is important you support them through it by not brushing it under the carpet, by making them see it was wrong and by helping them get the support they need to deal with what has happened. How they are behaving - the elder male child taking on responsibility and the younger female one modelling you - keeping it together is not very healthy. I think sometimes, like lancing a boil it is much better to deal with the things head on even if it is painful to start because it causes less pain in the long run. It isn't too late to report. I think you need to think carefully about your son as he was a witness and will always have those memories, doing something about it at the time was not possible but perhaps doing something after would make him feel more in control? It is a very hard decision. I do think you would be believed.