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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel so lost

12 replies

APlanSoCunning · 30/08/2012 23:50

I'm just so sad and angry, I think my relationship is over, I'm on my own as DP has just text to say he's not coming home tonight. It's probably been on the cards for a while but I stupidly kept hoping we could 'fix' it. I'm sobbing, I really need to sleep as I'm so tired and I have work tomorrow but my brain is just whirling and I don't know how to stop. My whole life feels like such a mess, I'm so so sad for DS if we can't all be a family, when it's good it's good, but that's less and less often. Sorry, not sure what this is supposed to achieve. I'm just do angry with him, he can't do it in a grown up way but has to sulk and sulk and leave me literally holding the baby. I tried to ask him a few weeks ago if he really wanted to do this any more and said I wasn't going to stay if we both didn't really want it, and told him I did if we both put some effort into it and looking back now he skirted the question. What a fucking knob. Fucking, fucking knob. I gave him the out and he had to do it like this. And stupid, stupid me for clinging to this pile of crap like some fucking hopeless loser. I used to be so fucking strong and independent, where the fuck did that girl go?

OP posts:

Original poster

APlanSoCunning · 30/08/2012 23:51

Oh shit, I also used to be able to do paragraphs

OP posts:

sundew · 30/08/2012 23:53

just wanted to post to say you sound very strong - just hang in there (and dump the b**d)

Nuclearfallout · 30/08/2012 23:57

I'm that girl too, now ..... Where am I?

izzyizin · 31/08/2012 00:00

Once a strong and independent gal, always a strong and independent gal!

She's inside you, honey, and as soon as you get your brain round this and get angry at your twat of an oh, she's going to come roaring back.

Where's he allegedly staying tonight? It's probable that he's got an ow and has had her in his life for some considerable time.

Original poster

APlanSoCunning · 31/08/2012 00:02

Hi Nuclear, sorry to hear your going through something like this. It just bloody hurts doesn't it? All the emotions just racing through you, xan't even work out how you feel. At least that's how it seems to me - I want to shout and cry and for him to hug me cos I love him all at the same time

OP posts:

Original poster

APlanSoCunning · 31/08/2012 00:08

Sundew, thanks - I don't feel strong but it's nice to hear

Izzy - Don't know, and I'm not going to give him te satisfaction of me asking. Going to sound naive here, but I hope he's at his mum's

I now have DS in bed with me cos he woke up wailing, means less sleep but at least I get to snuggle him a bit

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bogeyface · 31/08/2012 00:10

I am sorry but I agree with Izzy that there will be someone somewhere.

He didnt take the out because he would have been the bad guy, he is being a shit until you dump his ass and then can conveniently "meet" someone else, probably within a month. All of this is to make sure he comes out of this smelling of roses after his bitch wife kicked him out :(

Have you had any inkling of an affair? Could you get into his FB, emails, phone bill etc?

Original poster

APlanSoCunning · 31/08/2012 00:16

If he does, he's hidden it well. But you're right about him not wanting to be the bad guy though.

OP posts:

izzyizin · 31/08/2012 00:35

The only reason he'll have been able to hide it well is that you'll have been unsuspecting.

The first sign that he was up to something would have been when he started to become moody/tetchy, finding fault with you or the way you kept house or some such manufactured reason designed to convince himself that he was justified in getting his leg over involved with an ow.

As bogey says, he main concern now is ensuring that he comes out of it smelling of roses.

Time to spray some rose killer in his direction, honey. When you next speak to him, tell him not to bother coming home as you've decided that he doesn't enhance your life in any way and life's far too short for you to waste it on an immature twat who's not capable of being a man.

bogeyface · 31/08/2012 01:05

You know the phrase "You cant fool an honest man"? Well it's bollocks when applied to marriage.

We trust because we know that we wouldnt cheat and we believe them when they say they wont because we want to believe the best in them. So we dont look at the phone, we dont snoop the FB account, we dont hack the emails. We try to be a better wife when they find fault, we work at the marriage when the going gets tough, we worry about them and try to work things out, because we trust that they will do the same for us. But sometimes they use that against us and thats why we dont realise until afterwards that the signs were there.

I am not saying that he definitely is having an affair, but I am saying that you shouldnt be 100% sure that he isnt.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/08/2012 08:41

A lot of relationships fizzle out without anyone being particularly to blame. When you've been together for some time or children are involved, I think the inclination is to give it another shot rather than walk they way you can when single. But you say yourself that it's been on the rocks for a while, you said it would be better for him to leave and he took you at face value. Short-term it always hurts but, long-term you're saving yourself a lot of grief. Good luck

TheBirderer · 31/08/2012 08:57

It's going to be okay. Maybe it won't feel that way for a while, even a long time, but gradually you're going to get over this man. The pain is SO intense at first and it's hard to believe that all of the anguish could possibly fade. It will though. You just have to be very gentle with yourself. Don't punish yourself with thoughts of what should or shouldn't have been done- you have a good future ahead of you. It might seem dark right now, but you have your son and you have yourself, and you are strong. That strong person will come back. I've been there and mourned the loss of the happy family I thought I'd have, but I got through it. I wouldn't change things now. I'm happy. Keep striving towards the things you want and don't look back too much at the past, because nothing can alter that and all we have the power to change is the present and the future.

You might also find that it's a weight off your mind not having to worry about his sulking and the all-consuming frustration that results from having someone that drags your mood down. I was SO angry and upset with my exH, worrying about our relationship and what his behaviour was like, that it was like a big rock had been lifted off my back when we finally split. I was no longer responsible for his moods and keeping him happy, I just had to take care of myself and my kids. I hope you feel some of that relief soon.

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