Big Barney tonight - I could use a friend

[Nuclearfallout]

.......

It's out first big argument since I found out about his affair six months ago. Not brilliant timing as family member due to go in for an op tomorrow

Unresolved issues - I feel heartbroken

What was the fight about? Was it related or did it end up being a "WELL YOU HAD AN AFFAIR....." "OH I JUST KNEW YOU WOULD BRING THAT UP!" type argument?

I can relate, have had many of them in the last year :(

Sort of all of that really.

I was in a bit of a state earlier this agtern

.... This afternoon and had to hide up in the bedroom crying away from our child.

Husband came in and demanded to know why I was crying - I told him I have unresolved issues still didn't trust him or believe him .... Blunt .... But that's how I feel.

And then tonight still nothing from him ..... So conversation came up again - he twisted it all my way.

So whats the main issue for you now?

Is it what he said, what you said, how you felt?

Sorry, x post

So you were upset and he didnt like to see it so because of his guilt, he turned nasty and tried to make it all about you over reacting, hauling over old coals, "Why do you have to keep bringing it up?" (meaning, why cant you just forgive and forget so I dont have to feel bad)

Oys that he just doesn't seem to care what I feel and what he's put me thru - I couldn't "time" this better according to him as he's stressed about a relative going to hospital - and he keeps saying that he didn't think I could be this vindictive.

Surely I can't help what I feel or time my reactions????

I just don't see things getting any better -

Bogey face - yes. That's exactly it.

What was his reaction to his affair? did he blame you for not understanding him/sleeping with him/listening to him/liking his favourite TV program...whatever?

Have you had any counselling?

IT sounds to me like he doesnt want to face what he has done to you because it means admitting that he is a selfish lying cheating shit head, and that isnt the image he has of himself.

At 6 months he should still be begging forgiveness (mine still is, a year down the line) and being the best husband ever. The fact that he is being vile about the pain that he caused isnt good. Sorry :(

I lied. It's not six months. It's 4 weeks. He hadn't even apologised.

4 weeks?!

Wow.

He isnt sorry and he doesnt care how you feel? Its not good sweetie, it really isnt :(

Do you want to stay with him or are you still there because of your child or the fear of being alone?

Sorry fellow MNers. I don't mean to mislead

I don't know. I just don't know.

The FIRST words out of my husband mouth when confronted with evidence of his affair was "I'm sorry" and he has said it so many times since (I might believe him sometime ), and your H hasnt said it once?

He isnt sorry and he doesnt care :(

Right, you need help. Proper, professional help that can help you deal with this and move forward in the best way for you.

You can go to Relate alone (I wouldnt take him with you at this stage), and they can help you work out how you feel, what you want and how to get what you want.

But i will be honest and say that as he is being so vile and he hasnt even said sorry, it doesnt look good.

Are you sure he isnt still seeing the OW?

I don't know about OW. He's not hiding his phone. He's shown me emails from her saying its over but it's ..... Too easy .... Of you know what I mean? How can I possibly believe that when the things I have read between then have been so intense and personal for it to suddenly be over?

Too easy

Yes, I totally understand that. You dont go from full on affair to "Ok, thanks for that, see you around" in a couple of days do you?

Would he leave if you asked him to? Do you own your home or rent (if you own then do not move out as it affects your claim in the divorce)?

It sounds like you need time alone to come to terms with what has happened. At the moment you are trying to act as if nothing happened, because you wish nothing had happened, but you cant because it did.

He needs to leave and you need to think and decide what you want

I really feel for you. A year ago almost to the day, I was where you are now :( xx

Incidentally, how did his affair come out? Did you find out or did he tell you?

He doesn't know how you can be 'this vindictive'? Ha fucking ha. Tell him you're still working on A for Anger and he'll sure know about it when you get to V for Vengeance Vindictiveness.

What the fuck does he think he's done by having an affair with an ow? Did he do it to enhance your life? Or did he do it to inflate his ego enhance his? The simple fact of the matter is that he's been vindictive by deceiving you in this manner.

Time for you to move on to B for Booting his sorry arse out to give yourself time and space to think about whether you are prepared to stay in a relationship with a C for lying duplicitous Cunt.

My experience - it might not be helpful - my h had an affair. Yes he ended it when I found out but he was never properly sorry. He was defensive and prickly like yours is. I tried to get over it but I never did. Recovery from an affair can be done but it takes a lot of hard work on the part of the cheater. If they aren't willing to put the work in then you are doomed as a couple because he will never value you and you will never trust him.