Six months on from discovering my husbands affair

[Nuclearfallout]

I discovered the affair and confronted him - he ended it.

Six months on and we are still together but I am consumed with the thoughts that he will do it again / is still with her in someway only being very clever about it this time / or is just going through the motions until a more convenient time for him to decide to up and leave.

Not all day but sometimes every day I am paranoid and suspicious and check his pockets and computer. I hate the person I am now - these things are. It in my usual nature.

I ask him if it's still going on - not all the time but occasionally and he categorically says its not and that I should trust him.

But how can I - is it really for me to blindly trust or for him to prove himself to me?

I'm hurt angry and confused.

If you've got this far then thanks for reading - I just need to offload. Sorry.

Correction - not in my usual Nature.

And is it normal for me to want some kind of revenge on the other woman -

It is most definitely up to him to do everything humanly possible to help you feel less anxious and suspicious.

It is certainly not for him to watch you twitch and suffer and do nothing to help you, if he is serious about rebuilding your marriage and earning your love and trust back.

What do your instinct and observation tell you? Do you think he is still lying? Is he showing genuine and spontaneous compassion for how you feel now and offering all the proof he possibly can that he isn't still cheating?

Yes it's normal to want revenge on OW and/or him.

Putting a marriage together after an affair can be a HUGE and complicated task.

Can I ask whether either of you have had any help with this, either through reading or therapy?

Speaking from experience, we couldn't have done it just by ourselves iyswim.

I think, once the trust has gone, you can never relax in a relationship again. What you're feeling now is the disgust and betrayal that you probably put on hold at the time in an effort to keep the marriage together. The revenge you want on the OW is actually what you want to do to him for treating you like dirt. It's OK to feel this way but I warn you, it will eat you up and take your self-esteem with it if you don't do something about it. You owe him nothing....

I think you might need to accept it's over OP. Obsessing over someone's every move can only serve to grind you down, ultimately. This can't surely be what you signed up for.

It's still early days six months in. I'm five months in and find some days a struggle even with dp reassurance. I've seen both a Relate counsellor and a counsellor for myself, she has been a fantastic sound board, have you had any counselling? Has your dh shown true remorse for his affair?

Six months for me too and that is the main reason why I could never have him back. The trust has gone and I know that I would always bring it up in an argument. My life would be miserable.

I do hope that you are able to get over this and if you do , I admire you but I know for me the betrayal and lies could never be forgotten and would fester.

I'm 8 weeks in and could have written your post pretty much word for word OP.
we are trying to move on and I'm trying to forgive but I honestly don't know if I'll ever trust him again.

I think it would have been easier if my DH had met the OW somewhere like a pub or similar but my problem is, he used to work with her years ago and on thinking about it, all the women he has had relationships with apart from me are women he worked with.

Only last night I reiterated to DH how hard it is going to be for me to forgive and move on and completley trust him again. If a few months down the line I know I will never trust him then I will have no choice but to end our marriage and start divorce proceedings. I cannot and will not allow myself to be the woman that has to check her husband's phone and email all the time. I saw my counsellor last night and she said this has made me very ill which is true. My blood pressure is up, I am having panic attacks and migraines and I cannot allow this to continue.

Nuclear how did your DH meet the OW? Is it likely that he'd have contact with her again (ie via work, mutual friends?)

And yes, wanting revenge is common. I've mulled it over for the past 6 weeks about telling the OW's DH and finally sent him a message last week as I felt it was what I needed to do to get closure. There was nothing malicious in it though, I didn't want to deliberately hurt him but felt he had the right to know and make his own decisions. He did not reply but I'm 99% sure he got my message.

My ex (before marriage or children) cheated and for almost a year afterwards I acted like a maniac. Running around checking phones, pockets, even checking up on him from outside his workplace. In addition I was trying to be the perfect partner, always jolly, always suggesting sex, totally at his beck and call. With hindsight I can see that he showed very little remorse, and that I was so lacking in confidence that I was sure it was my fault he had cheated and I deserved it. fast forward many years and I am able to say what real love is, I adore dh but I know without a doubt if he cheated I couldn't stay with him. I value myself too much now. Thats not to suggest it may not work for you, if your dh is truly remorseful and you can forgive then I wish you all the best. Start being kind to yourself, make it clear if he feels the need to cheat again, or to even think about hurting you then you will not be around next time.

Two years plus on here and although six months seems a long time ,especially as you have been on a massive emotional rollercoaster, with hindsight I can see time - a long time - helps to recover after an affair.But only if your DH continues to support you, understand your mistrust and do all he can to reassure you he is not in contact with OW.My DH did all of these, and still learning to relax and allow my shattered heart to even begin to heal took ages.And good as things are tbh is still a work in progress.
A massive shift happened when I checked DHs phone after several weeks of not looking and found a text with a x to a casual work aquaintance,and DH never uses xx's to even me or close friends.He had mirrored her x for fear of offending ,and out of habit because he used xx's to OW.A tiny thing really ,but for me that was nearly the end after months of talking about boundaries.I told him there and then I would NEVER look at his phone again.It wasn't my job to police his behaviour,it was too exhausting and holding me back.Told him to grow up,man up take responsibility for his own actions.Sounds harsh ,but in the context of how he'd let flirting and friendliness get out of hand I really didn't care.And it was so liberating to stop checking up.

TBH I can still have the odd moment of 'is he where he said he was going,who's he talking to,what's this new female business contact like?'But focusing on the good stuff in my life - great friends,rediscovering new hobbies ,pampering myself helped.Dont be harsh on yourself though it is sadly still early days for you.

As for OW .Yes to me it's normal to want revenge.That made me feel a bad person for a long time.And added to the feelings of low self-esteem an affair discovery generates.A counsellor helped me to see my feelings were valid and normal.Funnily enough only recently a former colleague and friend of hers bumped into me recently and shamefacedly said at the time she had been deeply uncomfortable with how OW was behaving around my DH for months,and often wished she'd alerted me.She barely knew me ,and never saw me regularly and I assured her not to reproach herself.It wasn't her responsibility,and her so called friend had put her in an awkward position.
I also learnt this is not the first time OW has got herself in this kind of situation.Surprise ,surprise.So whilst not exactly seeking revenge I still have zero respect for her.But now can't be bothered to waste another minute of my life giving her precious head space.Except when I vent on here!

"I told him there and then I would NEVER look at his phone again"

Result for him then...

Two years here too to get trust & faith in relationship back (not from affair but drinking / lying) at times I never thought I would get it back.
Glad i hung on in there, but sometimes the damage is irrepairable (sp) no matter how much you love someone.

Two years here too to get trust & faith in relationship back (not from affair but drinking / lying) at times I never thought I would get it back.
Glad i hung on in there, but sometimes the damage is irrepairable (sp) no matter how much you love someone.

I think its so hard to come to terms with the fact he s not the person you once thought he was. Its really hard to accept he may have changed - but I think only time will tell, so I think you need to invest a bit more time. Its not easy is it, and I think it makes you become hard - not a quality I ever wanted to see in myself.

Dorothy, yes I feel this way too. I feel bereft for the 'old' dp, the person I thought he once was. I feel that if I can't trust him, who can I trust? but I know my ability to trust has to also come from me and while dp is trying his hardest now to make me believe he won't do this again I struggle to see myself being able to fully atm, hopefully in time.

I think its a case of soldiering on for a bit, being completely honest with each other, and see what happens. I know for some couples, they find renewed strength in their relationship and they manage to go forward. For me, I could never trust my ex again, and we parted.

What kind of result then Cogito? Actually my DH realized then just how serious I was about him really changing his behaviour re phone etiquette for good in that moment- even if it seemed a tad old fahioned.I just knew it in my bones something shifted in our relationship,back to the closeness and honesty we had shared for almost 30 years prior to my DH losing his way.He's not proud of how he behaved over those months.But just as he appreciated I needed time to process and forgive, in hindsight I gave him time to change back to the lovely,decent guy I knew him to be.And just as if one of my DCs behaviour went off track, and then had a very small relapse before sorting themselves out what sort of mum / person would I be to lob them out and disown them there and then.Life / love is not that black and white.
If you've read any of my others posts I've made it perfectly clear we were both in a difficult place when he went off track.Reallistically it takes time and sometimes some more rocky patches before you find your way back.
That incident was one year ago and I'm truly glad I hung on.
OP sorry to hijack and all the best to you .