I remember having a happy early childhood with my dad - doing DIY with him, playing badminton, him teaching me to draw, building LEGO. Me and my brother joke that he's great with kids until they develop their own opinions - particularly about him; until they start to see his flaws and tell him so. I can see this happening with DS who's eight; Dad adores him, but DS is starting to see - and be vocal about - Dad's shortcomings, and he doesn't like it.
From my secondary schooling onwards, Dad's and my relationship has been pretty awful. He seemed uninterested in me throughout my teens, other than to yell at me about my poor clothing choice, hairstyle that wasn't the kind he liked, telling me that my opinion was wrong and he was right. No positive interest whatsoever.
My self-esteem was awful until a few years ago really, and I blame Dad for this; for never bigging me up - never believing in me and bolstering me when my wobbly sense of self was emerging. That sounds a bit fluffy but you know what I mean.
I did so well with my education, but it never moved Dad to praise/pride. I was arty (his only comment on this was that I got it from him), musical (he came to a couple of my singing performances with family and said nothing afterwards - like it would pain him to be supportive), caring (helping to look after my younger sister, who has special needs). I worked so hard and excelled in all I did - maybe subconsciously driven to get a positive reaction from Dad - but it never came.
Meanwhile, I found him chauvinistic towards Mum so was fast losing respect for him in a big way (he still is like this, which is a sticking point between us).
He's been great with DS, and lives nearby and so we see him and Mum often. And what I find painful is that he has good relationships with my cousins and family friends right under my nose - he'll devote days to helping them out, write them long chatty emails, shows a real interest in them and their lives - but never initiates spending time with me. He doesn't ask how I am. He doesn't ask about work. He often opts out of coming to us for family meals because he has other stuff he wants to do. I daren't ask him to help me (unless it's to look after DS, which he enjoys), because I don't want the inevitable guilt-trip about how busy he is, etc.
I think I've learned to handle how he is by detaching and reciprocating the lack of interest; a sort of self-protection approach. It's more in my nature to be nice though, and I'd rather be, if I didn't feel so hurt by the lack of reciprocal warmth.
I've worked hard at building up my self-esteem and confidence myself, although still feel I've achieved much less than I might have done had I believed in myself more much earlier on. But I do push myself, and a relative asked me to sing at his wedding recently, and I thought hell, just do it! I was so nervous - it had been a while - but I practised loads and did it. Mum was supportive. DS was proud. DP had a tear in his eye. And the married couple and my extended family were chuffed to bits. I felt so pleased. Dad sat through it all and said nothing afterwards. He knew I was anxious. But he didn't so much as acknowledge what I'd done, and hasn't said anything since. I can't imagine behaving so indifferently if DS were to do something like this! I just wanted a little "well done".
I'm prepared to bet money that had a friend/cousin sung, he'd have been full of praise. So why am I so f*cking invisible? I feel just so unimportant and worthless and unlovable all over again since this happened, and have been talking to my (lovely) brother about it, and we both think I need to try to resolve these issues with Dad while he's still around. They keep on resurfacing.
But where do I start?! I'm so concerned he'll dismiss/reject any attempt I make at addressing this. I don't want him to belittle my concerns. I want him to say actually, yes, I went wrong in your teens and it hasn't been right since and I'm sorry and I love you. But is that really going to happen?! Probably not.
I'm a grown woman. I have a good job that I do well, a wonderful son with whom I have a great relationship, a loving DP, lovely friends ... but when I think about Dad and our relationship, I just feel like a needy, whiny child, and I hate feeling this way; I don't like myself for seeming so precious about it. But it does bother me; it really does.
Anyway, it's been cathartic to write this down at least. And if you've got this far, and have any ideas for how to improve my relationship with my dad, I'd love to hear them. Thanks so much.