Help me accept that this is as good as it gets

[lazycoconutree]

I am so unhappy I don't know where to start!

'D'h and I have been married for 12 years. I made the decision to leave a very stressful but exciting career after dc2 was born 3 years ago because I felt I just couldn't do everything. DH was very supportive of the decision.

Since then I feel that our relationship has slowly but very steadily declined. A year ago I started to do some freelance work.
I knew when I left work that the majority of the house work and child care would fall on me and I am ok with that.

But dh whilst being a great dad is just not what I want as a husband.
The relationship has to work on his terms.
We talk when he has time, we go out if he wants and only when it's convenient to him, if I want to discuss anything (mostly to do with dcs) then it has to be done when he's in the mood and if he's busy then a discussion and decision arrived at within 30 seconds!
Most evenings after dcs are asleep he's working, or out with friends. He travels between 10-14 days out of every month for work. We can only have sex at night and if he's in the mood.
He spoils the dc all the time and I'm always the bad cop, having to instill routine and discipline.
I know that I am responsible for the more mundane things but why do I feel like I'm alway always the bad cop?
Whilst he's fantastic if the kids are I'll or need anything of him, he's completely insensitive to how I feel. He never notices or appreciates any effort I make........
So why don't I leave?
He's a great dad. The dc adore him. Apart from his complete insensitivity to me, he's a good person.

So what is wrong with me? Why can't I accept that life changes and maybe this is as good as it gets?

I agree with others, I work part time & financially don't make a lot out of it but in terms of other benefits (getting some time to be me, talk to other adults etc) it's wonderful. I am just not cut out to be a SAHM & have nothing but respect for those w

Sorry, cat nudged my hand & pressed send too soon!
I have nothing but respect for SAHMs but it's just not for me was what I was trying to say

Thank you for all your responses!

Working even for a few hours has made a huge difference to how I feel. I like the flexibility that working from home allows me, especially in terms of my kids. So I am working, not at the same level I was before. But I wouldn't be able to go back to the same level without something having to give. This feel like it's getting to a good compromise stage.

I knew that as dh business grew that it would require more travel more commitment etc.
But it's his attitude that Has changed and that I cannot seem to reconcile with.
It's That everything has to be at his convenience and on his terms that is getting to me.
It's his lack of appreciation.
He won't go for counciling, he will only talk when it's gOod for him, he wants immediate resolution that is in his best interest.

What are my grounds for separating? He is a great dad, he's a good provider, he's never pressured me to go back to work he did support me in being a sahm, he supported my decision to work from home.
So On paper he's great.
As long as the relationship works on his terms!

He treats you like a staff member- he isn't nice at all.
You are not staff, you are an adult with wishes and feelings and the same entitlement in a relationship as him.

He also sounds intensely patronising and sexist.

A marriage isn't just about being a great dad. In fact I'd go so far as to say being a father and being a husband are totally separate.

Children and fatherhood aside, what makes you stay with this man? Someone asked earlier if you love him - do you?

I'm not in love with him. As in not that giddy, giggly, totally happy love. But does that stage even last?
But do I love him, I don't know. I guess I do. We've been together for so long (3years before we got married) that I can barely remember not having him in my life.
He used to be my best friend. He knows I'm really emotional and sensitive and I over think, over worry, over talk everything.
He is almost the opposite. It's what attracted me to him, I guess.
It's the differences between us right now that seem so impossible.
He doesn't want to talk unless its calmly and when it's difficult issues I cry. It doesn't mean I can't talk, I'm just emotional.
As soon as I start to cry, he walks away, not physically but emotionally shuts down.
I've tried so hard to stay calm. To keep emotions under check, but this is who I am. It's a vicious circle.
Some weeks are better some are worse.

It's interesting to be asked if I think dh is being thoughtless or deliberately cruel.

His actions make me feel awful. He knows what he is doing, but I don't think he is being cruel. In his mind he is being decisive. He doesn't understand me, and the sad thing is I think he's stopped trying?

Does that make him bad or me?

Been there op. I have 4dc and separated over a year ago. Same thing really, stbxh was a 'good dad' doted on the kids but left me to do all the not fun stuff like the discipline. Nights were him watching tv, smoking weed and drinking. Sex was him expecting me to keep putting up with premature ejaculation which he began suffering from four years into marriage but wouldn't get help for. Just apologised and went to sleep. I was completely and utterly miserable, felt pushed out of my own family because the kids naturally preferred daddy considering he wouldn't correct behaviour. Looking back I have no idea how I lasted as long as I did.

Anyways, I asked him to leave. Stood my ground and whilst it hasn't been easy I have never regretted it. I should add that I told him many times I was unhappy. I just ended up losing all respect for him and love turned to tolerance.

In the year since I left him, my relationship has improved so much with my children. I am no longer depressed, got myself into college, made new friends, lost weight and just feel stronger and most importantly, happy.

oh golly.... lots of advice !
I feel for you.... i gave up work when my little boy was just over a year... and although i don't regret it as i wouldnt have wanted anyone else to have looked after him, i feel like i left a part of me at work. Anyone in Full time work without children will prob think we are bonkers, but being at work enabled me to feel like me.. not a mum or a wife, just me !!
looking at it from the male point of view they go out to work all day to support their families and that can be tough to... My husband hates his job, and hates going to work everyday so i feel very selfish if i say i have had a hard day.... I am used to earning my own money and still struggle with being dependent on someone else supporting us.. that said its how it is for the moment.... I do understand why you feel sad tho... i feel the same and i don't really know why. Have u spoken to your GP ? you may have PND ? this is what i have and being on meds has helped me to a point 'cope' with life at home....

The kindest interpretation of his behaviour is that he has set up a company/business and is a workaholic to try to get it to succeed. For someone like this, he would see it as being 'focused' but to everyone else, he has tunnel vision. This has led him to neglect your needs completely (no point pretending he does meet them).

The worst, as I have said earlier and someone else also said, is that he sees you as a junior and rather irritating colleague, who has to do what he says and be managed.

It's not acceptable for him to constantly shut down your emotions, ok, there may be the odd time he needs to meet a deadline and you getting upset isn't helping, BUT, he could deal with the crisis, and then come back to you and see how you are.

From what you have said, I don't think he cares how you are, he has become very focused on his business to the point it is his entire identity and has no intention of becoming sidelined with annoying things like wives and their needs. What about if the children become more demanding, need time and attention? I suspect he's a good provider but what else?

Have you thought about trying to change things rather than a black and white leave/stay the same? What about if you booked a night out for a conversation? Does he know you are very unhappy?

Poor you, ths sounds like hell

You don't have to put up with this. I know it's the old saw but I really would try to get some counselling to work out how you feel in all of this. He has systematically shut you down and it seems that he has no respect for you. He promised to love and to cherish you (I assume) but he isn't doing that.

We can only guess why he's lost his way but if you are considering putting up with this then you, too, have lost your way. If he is treating you like this, with no respect, then he is also not a good father, I don't care how focused he appears to be on the kids.

He also seems to have got into a kind of king of the castle mentality: me man, you woman, woman serve man. It's revolting apart from anything - why are putting up with it? imo he is being emotionally abusive by witholding support and basic - basic! - respect.

Many men see problems as something to solve, quickly decisively and rationally. Men like to see themselves as problem solvers (not all are) I have one like this and for the most part I am not very emotive and it works well. In the early days he would go to great pains to listen to me if I was weepy but as time has gone on I feel I stretched his "patience" he now shuts down and walks away. Yes it's hard on me but I can see how draining it is on him and I respect the fact that it causes him pain and he can't deal with that. We have spoken about it, if I feel emotional it makes him feel helpless, not because he doesn't love me but because he does.

Understandably your DH is focussing on his business because he sees it as his responsibility to provide well for you. It's a huge burden to do it all on your todd, just as it is to parent on your own and do all the drudge work. But you have set up a clear division of labour which for some works well for others they need flexibility.

Maybe if you set up a night out as others suggest and give your DP a 10 point plan for "happy wifery" be instructive, precise and keep it short, make sure he knows EXACTLY what you need him to do. Keep the emotion out of it and see if you get a better response.

nah, sorry, there's more to this than that imo. The OP's extreme pain is the giveaway. At the very least, she is dying of neglect - which is one of the most awesomely painful emotions going imo. You literally feel like you'll die of it.

How are you doing OP? (sneaks in a hug)

I read a post on here recently, which described an analogy of some men viewing their wives as an appliance. You use it as needed, stuff it back in the cupboard when not wanted. If it plays up you tweak it or oil it, or consider replacing it. Otherwise you pay it no attention.

This is more or less what has happened to you coconutree. He expects you to be there when required, service his needs as he wishes, bring up his children, otherwise clear the hell off and stop bugging him. When the children are in bed, he's working or 'with friends'. So you don't feature on his radar at all. He doesn't choose to spend time with you.

He doesn't even care if you're happy or sad! :(

You call him a great dad....and I don't know how you'd define a great dad. But to me, a man who cares about his kids is a great dad. That means he does the listening and helping and disciplining, and driving to the activities sometimes. He does the telling off if he has to, because that's what parents do.

A great dad cares about his whole family. And he doesn't just do fun dad things.

And a great provider..... Does that mean, he pays? :( He could pay a nanny, housekeeper and cook and he wouldn't really be a great provider, just a wage payer.

I'm coming across a bit harsh and I don't mean to. But OP, there's no sign that this man loves you or cares about you, that I can see. And that is very, very sad. You deserve so much more, you really do.

Thank you for all the different pov.

They make me feel like maybe I am not being completely unreasonable.

It's strange because I have never felt that I have failed at life as badly as I am failing in my marriage.

I'm not about to walk out. Dh adores dc and they in turn really love him.
I guess I have go find out who I am, and maybe that I deserve better.

I have never resented bein at home. I've loved it, and I am so blessed to be able t be with my children when they have needed me and have the flexibility to work now.
I feel greedy wanting more, but I never realized how lonely it could be being in a marriage but not actually participating.
It was our anniversary this weekend and instead of an expensive gift I would have traded an hour of dh undivided time.

I feel so silly and absolutely whiny saying that but I would have like him to see me for me.

Surely just this one time a year I deserved to be seen. Just once?

hey !..
What did you do for your anniversary then? why don't you arrange a babysitter for next weekend and go out together.. sometimes thats all you need some quality time out from the house and the children. Im sure you can fix it, you just need to be brave and confront him about it, and say how unhappy you are...
life is so tough, and like you say lonely, its very strange once you have children as you feel like you lost a part of you.. well thats how i felt anyway, and as much as i wouldnt trade them for anything in the world, sometimes i pine for just a day on my own, to do what ever i fancy... (not cleaniing, or thinking about breakfast, dinner and tea !!. and bath time etc....) Your not alone, and you do deserve to be happy, only you know whether this at home or whether you go it alone.... its very hard once children become involved...
Dont be sad x

I so wish you would walk out. Can't believe I just said that but your reasons for staying are not sound imo. yy they adore him and he adores them - but a good dad loves his children's mother, respects her and cherishes her. He is not a good dad if he is modelling a complete lack of erm consideration for his wife, his children's mother.

No point nailing yourself to a tree for the sake of your kids. It doesn't work - and comes back to bite you on the bum, big time. You are a vast part of their emotional landscape - your craven misery will already be part of their lives, regardless how 'well' you think you're covering it up. You're not an inanimate object but a human being - there's nothing you can do about that, as hard as you might try.

have you considered that it may not be YOU who is spectacularly failing at your marriage?