Y chromosome needs help

[EverSoHumble]

I?m an erratic lurker and occasional contributor, but I?m a fella and have name changed in case I get hammered. I have seen male blood and hair on the walls here and am diffident about asking for advice!

I have 2 children in their early teens and a year ago moved home to be closer to them (they live with their mother) so as to be a better father. I have been terminated from a long (7 year) live-out relationship by my lovely woman but who has counted the years up until my youngest child of 2 would go to university, and not need as much of my time (the usual every 2nd weekend plus). She decided she could not wait that long for us to be under the same roof full-time.

Anyway, I am thinking of internet dating, which was in its infancy when I was last on the market. I met my ex on Dating Direct.

Can I please have women?s advice about which are the best sites, from their point of view? There seem to be so many horror stories about loony axe murderers and the like and I?d like to reduce the risk of being taken for one by going to a respectable site. I thought I?d try a free one first to see how they go ?Plenty of Fish seems big. Or do you get what you pay for, and if so what are the best paying sites?

And any basic advice? It?s a jungle out there (think in terms of the tiramisu joke in Sleepless in Seattle) .

Please don?t shoot at me, this is a genuine request for help.

Gah, "male blood and hair on the walls" yah, yah MN hates men. Not a great start!

I don't know really about internet dating, I always found it much much harder and more soulless than actually meeting someone in RL which is what I would always recommend. I do think it is a little strange that you won't live with someone until your youngest goes to uni. I have some pretty strong views about introductions of new partners but I think that is a little far/unrealistic.

Also not sure what relevance your y chromosome has?

Basically I think if I felt like that I wouldn't actually date.

Am I getting this right?
You have your DCs to stay every other weekend so you won't entertain the idea of moving in with anyone until the youngest has left home?

Oh well op, at least your expectations have been met eh?

Some people I know call POF "plenty of fanny" (nice) so I wouldn't take that site too seriously unless you are just looking for a bit of slap n tickle and nowt too serious. I think the ones you pay a bit for would be a bit more erm....serious if that's the right word. What's that one that claims half of Americans or some other wild figure have met on?

Sorry to hear you've been dumped, that sucks

A misunderstanding in some comments perhaps.

I (and my ex) did intend to live together but she said my move took her too far from her job.

The back story is that my children lived some distance from me, and the travel was getting more and more difficult for both the children and me. And as they got older I did not want them to miss out on their local activities -sport, seeing friends -by being the ogre dad who insisted on taking them away every second weekend. The move to be closer to them took me further away from my ex, and she saw that as my choosing the children over her.

I?m not looking for slap & tickle, I only do settled relationships. I?d call that serious.

I assume my problems of meeting someone are like anyone elses ?moved to a new area, don?t want to chase workmates, everyone is coupled up and I don?t want affairs?

Some people have suggested Guardian Soulmates. What about the usual, non-internet things; book club; climbing; walking; sports generally; wine appreciation; volunteer work?

In the future, don't start a post with negative expectations about the people you want advice from...

Ah right I see!

I think starting things off with negative expectations whether it is posting on MN, real life or online dating is not going to help!!!

I am absolutely positive not everyone is paired off (or there wouldn't be people on dating sites) and also that you don't have to do either or or meet married people at work.

If you know you want to date again why not just see who you meet and what happens. I don't see why you should constrain yourself before you've even started.

I'm sure if you are as disarmingly genuine as you've been in this thread, you will find someone.

It's just a thought EverSo, and this will sound a bit I suppose, but do you like pets? If you like dogs, perfect, because dog-walkers just love talking to other dog-walkers. If you prefer cats, also perfect, women love men who love cats. It's also easy to talk to people (women) about pets, because they are inherently funny, and there are no strings or ishoos to cloud the conversation (unlike with children, or exes).

If pets aren't your thing, forget it of course, but if you love them I thought the side-benefits worth a mention ....while you are busy signing up to dating sites...

Pets are a good idea, I have two dogs available that can be borrowed and walked. As for cats, number 2 daughter's first comment when I told her about the split was -Ok, now you can be around more and get a cat. My ex wife got our cats in the divorce, and they are too fat to walk anywhere.

The book-club and walking groups ideas are good, I'll follow up thanks.

I really would like some help on the dating sites thing though.

Yes, things that interest you. That's always a good place to start.

Thanks for answering my questions, it makes sense now

I'm not single but my single friends tell me that they think that POF is a bonk fest, a friend has tried with POF lots of times but it hasn't worked for her at all although some people on here have had success with it.

Match is busy but a bit hit and miss, I know a couple who are very happliy married with DCs having met through Match and a colleague who met a lot of women and had short term relationships before he found someone he is serious about through Match. He wanted a serious reltionship so the few years of meeting women and being with them for a short time was quite tough for him. He said that there is no point emailing lots, just mail once or twice and meet someone because it's not until you meet them that you know whether there is a spark.

Guardian Soulmates looks good, I think if you live near London it's better. I live out in the sticks and the men on it are a bit middle of the road - middle aged, middle income, middle politics and they all like bicycles and mountains!

What about mysinglefriend? The type of people look varied.

That said really don't discount good old fashioned getting out there, doing things and meeting people.
One of our male friends (we thought would be single forever after crazy Sarah) met a girl at a gig, got talking, both in their 40s, been together two years. Very happy.

Good luck.

Lizbee, thanks for being so helpful.

I?ll look at mysinglefriend. I had heard Guardian soulmates was quite London oriented, as are the other newspaper sites, so discounted them. I don?t know where you live to call it the sticks, but I am now in Hampshire after years in London and although it?s not London people do smile at each other in the street!

I guess I just wanted to avoid sites that are seen as meat markets where every second male is a married axe-murderer ?rumour has it that approach can be less than successful.

I googled bookclubs in Hampshire and got equestrian centres! but I?m sure if I try harder I can do better.

Anyway, I dropped in to say hi my kids on the way home this evening without having to drive for 1 ½ hours so being here in the sticks has its advantages.