Am doing something really BIG here and dh just doesn't get it

[roots]

Am regular mumsnetter but have changed my name as this is all a bit sensitive for me.

I was adopted at 8 weeks old to a brilliant family and had a very happy childhood. I've known since I was tiny that I was adopted and my parents went out of their way to make me feel ok about it. My mum always promised that if/when I wanted to and the time was right she would help me trace my birth mother (I was adopted before 1970 when the laws changed - my birth mother has no right to trace me but I can if I want).

However, my lovely mum died when I was younger and my dad brought me and my brother up. I've always felt a huge loyalty to my adoptive family and haven't really ever wanted to pursue tracing my birth mother, even though my dad and I have talked about it. I know a lot of the details about the circumstances of my adoption and I actually found out quite a bit a couple of years ago after I had dd1. When I became a mother myself I started to realise what my bm must have gone through (she was very much pushed into it by her parents who wanted her to go to university). I thought that I would like to contact her although perhaps not meet her, just to let her know that I was ok and happy, etc. I went as far as meeting with a social worked and obtaining quite a bit of paperwork about the adoption but then decided not to pursue it at the time.

I've not long had dd2 and the old feelings are back. I'm aware of there being a limit on time to contact this woman. I don't really want anything from her, other than perhaps some medical info, but also a need to put her mind at rest. I'm fully aware that she may not want to hear from me, she may not have told her family (if she has one) about what she did, so I don't feel particularly 'needy'. Anyway, I put her name into GenesReunited yesterday and someone of her name and age came up, who was born about 3 miles from where I know her family came from (quite a remote part of the country, so there can't be that many of them). I stopped myself from joining up fully so that I could send her a message and decided to sleep on it and I also didn't tell anyone I'd done it.

This afternoon I told dh and I also said that I'd made up my mind to join up and send a non-committal message - one which will let her know who I am but which does not specify details. We talked about it for a while and then dh came up to use the computer while I sat downstairs thinking. Half an hour has passed and I've come up to use the computer. Dh (who admittedly is very pre-occupied with a work problem at the moment) has just said 'are you desperate to use the computer? What are you doing on it?' I got really cross and said 'oh nothing really, just tracing my birth mother'. He's apologised and said 'sorry, brain like a sieve. I've got a lot on my mind with work. Ok I'm going down to watch TV. see you later.' Like I'm just shopping online or something!!!!!

I can't believe he's being so blase about this. This is a HUGE thing for me. It's ok for him, he has both parents alive and healthy and has never had to question anything about where he's come from, who he is etc. I've been trying not to get too emotional about it all but FFS! Surely even the most thoughtless of people would realise what a big deal this is. He didn't even offer to sit with me whilst I did it! Am speechless, as he's ususally so good and so thoughtful

anyway, have sent a message to her. If and when she replies I'll know whether it's her.

Blimey roots - I'd have been a bit peeved too. Interesting that you've found her so easily. I think it's great that you are contacting her. I think the fact that you've had your own children probably pushed you towards this a bit.

I'm also adopted and have got as far as seeing a social worker and looking at my file, but I've left it at that. That was just after my twins were born 5 years ago. I might go further, can't decide.

Let me know how you get on and what response you get from her. Good luck.

Meant to say, your DH probably doesn't realise what a BIG thing this is to you. Mine certainly doesn't. He thinks well we're grown up now, why does it matter.

Do you think he thought you wanted to be alone? Maybe he thought he was doing you a favour ging you some space to send your note.

Roots - I think you need to tell him how big a thing this is for you and that you would appreciate his support. Men are crap at hints and realising even obvious needs - they need it spelling out. Work probs or not he needs to be with you on this. Completely understandable you are feeling so emotional about it.
Good luck and I hope you get a response soon.

Obviously it might not be her, but it does seem a bit of coincidence if it's not. And the fact that she's registered on GR might seem to indicate that she's open to contact maybe? I think that if she was terrified of being traced the last thing you'd do is register on an open forum like this.

It feels quite surreal now I've done it. I just said in the message 'are you X who had connections with the Y area in the summer of 19**? If so, you might like to contact me via this website. If not or you are her but don't wish to communicate then i understand.' and I put my christian name which didn't change when i was adopted so she'll definitely knows it's me if she reads it.

I've put it off for so many years now and I spose there wasn't any urgency for me as I didn't want anything from her emotionally. But I feel like I HAVE to put her out of her misery and let her know about me. I just can't imagine not having that knowledge about my own child, whatever the circumstances.

Anyway, I plan to get dh have it with both barrells in a little while - I've been super-supportive to him about his work problem so I plan to let him know how I'm feeling big-style. Honestly, they're useless sometimes.

I'll let you know if i get any news. I agree it's hard deciding what to do. Good luck with whatever thoughts you have.

sorry x-posts with Jackstini and Uwila. No, sadly if he thought I wanted to be alone he'd have said so and told me to shout him if i needed him. He's just being a dunce.

But does he know its a really big deal to you? Id tell him calmy first before you get the shotgun out.

yes he does know. we've talked about it loads since we met. He knows I'm sensitive about it, and we were talking about it downstairs just half an hour before I came up to use the computer!! don't worry i shan't murder him, just let him know how let down I feel. He's an eedjit sometimes but he'll be gutted when I point it out to him.

Is it possible that he thought it was such a personal thing that you'd rather be left alone to do it? I often have to really spell things out for my dh. They're different animals from us, especially when it comes to matters of an emotional nature.

Anyway, Gosh! Roots. Good luck with this. Of course it's a big thing to do.

think it's more along the lines of having his Man Blinkers on. If he didn't have this shit at work to deal with he'd be great. But it's like he can only deal with one Big Thing at a time. My problem could be that I've no clean pants or it could be I'm just about to embark on a journey that might result in me finding the woman that gave birth to me 37 years ago, but to him, he's pre-occupied with his Big Thing so my Big Thing takes 2nd place. It's just the way his brain works (don't all men's brains work like this?!)

One thing he isn't is stupid, so when I point all of this out he'll be fine.

My dh is like this. If he is pre-occupied with any work thing he can't even hear anyone talking to him.

He's pretty good on the whole though. They can't help being men after all.

As a fellow adoptee Roots, I can honestly say that I think alot of people don't understand what a mega thing this is.
My ex-H was an unbelievable disappointment to me regarding this issue. He simply could not get his head around how enormous a thing my biological parent tracing was.
However, I have found that alot of people with no connection to adoption just don't get it either. They see it is as something "interesting" but not sweat inducingly nerve wracking.
Wish you lots of luck with your search Roots.

it's a good point bugsy and one which has stopped me from telling many people i'm adopted - i just don't trust their reactions to be sensitive or understanding. I'm not saying i want special treatment as such, but i spose if you haven't been in that position you can't really put yourself there emotionally. I had it out with dh earlier and, as predicted, he was mortified and felt like he'd let me down.
Again though, how can i possibly expect him to have the first clue?! it's unreasonable to expect that he can i suppose, but he said it didn't stop him trying to support me which is what i want i guess.

I'm feeling all sorts of things now - I feel disloyal to my dad and especially my mum and even to my brother. He's not adopted - how will he feel if I do find my BM and yet he's still lost our mum? How can i explain to him that our mum will always be our mum and my Bm is/will be something completely different? See, I'm creating problems where there aren't any and i feel very confused!

Good luck Roots.
I found my birth mum when I was pregnant and met her before I had my ds. It has been amazing, no regrets. In fact today she babysat ds for an hour and then we had a lovely day, out for lunch and shopping. She is very different from my mum though and I wasn't looking for someone to replace her anyway, you know what I mean.
It is a huge thing to find your "roots" and I hope your experience is good too. Once you start there's no going back that's for sure!

Roots, I wonder if he realises it's something he has no real understanding of and is afraid he'll say the wrong thing or something? Sit him down and tell him. My DP reacts best in these situations if I appeal to his better nature - "I really want to talk about this / need a hug / feel wobbly" and explain it all etc. instead of yelling at him - that just makes him go "uh what have I done???" [we need a rolling eyes emoticon!] Trying not to be too sexist here but he is just being male and emotionally dim.