I dont know what to do one divorce down and this is going the same way for different reasons

[Scruffyhound]

I have posted on here before and I did not get much of a responce. I have 2 sons DS1 with myex husband who is now 6yr old and my DS2 who is with my partner and is 1yr 3months old. I left my husband after 15 yrs and gave it my all and loads more on top only to be let down and broken hearted. I left when my DS1 was 2yrs old. I now feel the same thing happening but for different reasons with my partner. MY DS2 is nearly 2yrs old and Im worried its just repeating its self, if its me with the problem or what. My partner has a controlling mother and she has not seen her grandson (as my DS1 is not her grandson anymore and this has been made quite clear since we fell out) for 6 months. I have moved 2 hours away from my family and friends to be down here with my partners family and friends. I have tollerated his mum and sister for some time now they live in a big house have money and treat everyone as if they should say yes because of who they are. I really dont like that attitude its not nice. None of them work they are both lazy and the father/husband thinks the same. My partners mum started sending nasty messages to him they hurt him and upset him. We did not know where it was coming from. It went on for a month and then I stepped in as my partner had been taking medication to calm his selfdown. I told her she should be proud of her son and everything he has doneand a few home truthes about me moving away from family and the dissapointment of not having one here.

So after that Im now the bitch its all my fault and Im nasty. There was an incodent on facebook where me and his sister had a slanging match (which Im not proud of at all) she was very nasty and personal about stuff. I tried to ask what was going on and get to the bottom of it and did not. In the mean time my family saw it and asked me if I was ok inbetween she told them to fuck off and keep their beaks out of it. I got pissed off and I gave her a bit of shit then but not personal like she did. At the end of it all 2am! My partner had fell asleep and was not in a good way.

So I have put my neck out for him moved away for him (so he could keep his family job). I said I want to move back home as here is horrible and they dont bother anyway and I need to be close to my dad who is ill and my mum who has just had a biopsey taken to se if skin cancer has come back. I need to be there for them and the kids need family who love BOTH of them. I strated looking for jobs and speaking to family. I asked him how he was doing with the job search and he said I have not looked. This was last night I feel let down. He does not bother with me think he just thinks im part of the furniture and I feel unloved and not wanted. He said the other day he could not stand the thought of someone else bringing up his son. I had not even mentioned anyone and that is the last thing on my mind! Then I thought well he did not say dont leave I love you the thought of YOU being with someone else kills me. So now I just feel like I did 4 yrs ago fed up but no family support here. I feel very rejected and dont want anything to do with his family anymore. I feel he cant be bothered to move with me but then he does not want to be apart from his son. He is a really good dad thats no problem. And that makes this so much harder. If I move I will have to take both of my sons as Im the one who will get a job to fit around them and sort them out for anything they need or want Im thier mum. I know he is the dad too and Im not a horrible woman who takes kids away. He is welcome to see his son when ever he wants. This could all be avoided if he just made the effort to show me he cares and still wants me.

Sex is another weird one we have had sex about 10 times since I have had our DS2. Its not even good I dont know if its stress? But he is selfish in that department as well. I have put on weight since DS2 and dont know if that is why? I dont feel attractive anymore either. I feel at a low point with no support accept from my family but they are too far away I can only speak to my mum as my dad is mentally ill. I dont want two failed relationships and two children by different dads....................

The irrefutable fact is that you have 2 dc by different fathers.

Whether your relationships with these 2 men have failed is irrelevant as the only thing that matters is that your dc are raised to become all they can be, which is unlikely if your relationship with your current partner continues to be unfulfilling and unsatisfying for you.

If your family members can accomodate you and the dc, I would suggest you move back home. If your current partner is the good father you claim him to be he'll make every effort to have regular contact with his ds and it could be that he'll step up to the plate and move to be with or near you at some point.

Hi IZZYIZIN you are right. I need to make the move first Im just fed up of always being the one to sort everything out its getting depressing. I have moved 3 times now 2 times to be with my partner. I dont want this impacting on my DS1 life He needs to be settled. DS1 says hes happy where he is and is happy with my partner. DS2 loves his dad so it makes it hard. Its justhis mum lives around the corner and demands things or is just nasty. She got her husband (my partners step dad for who he works for) to ring up my partner and demand that her grandson be taken around there about a month ago. My partner went on his own the first thing she said is where is my grandson? Not how are you son. So I dont want to be here for when she feels like messing with our heads. They have a dog that has bit my DS1 twice now so I dont want my DS2 going around there either. So Im not just saying dont go around there to be awarkward. I just want out. And looks like my partner is going to have to choose a life with us or his wierd horrible mum. I would not want to be in his position but then I would never of let my mum get to that point. Im from a family where we talk and help each other not stab each other in the back so its all new to me and I dont know how to deal with it. Thanks :)

I think you have to start at first principle i.e. Do you love each other and want to stay together? If the answer is 'no' then call it a day and cut your losses. If the answer is 'yes' then you have to work out how to achieve that as a team. If he has a unpleasant family and they are too close for comfort, take steps to distance yourselves like moving further away, getting a different job or simply being less accessible. If you feel isolated from your family and need to be with them more often, how can you work together to rectify that? Obviously, don't touch Facebook with a barge-pole - no good ever came of it. Good luck

HI CogitoErgoSometimes I dont know how I feel im confused think all this nasty stuff has taken the shine off the relationship. We have been together for 4 nearly 5 years and I just feel let down like when my ex husband was being a selfish prick. I wasted 1 1/2 years trying to make that work. I think I love my partner but I dont know. Im confused he does not bother with me that much which makes me think not arsed + not bothered = he does not want to be with me. I feel a little resentful as I have taken a demotion twice now to keep him happy in his job. My career has gone backwards since I met him due to moving. I need my faimily as they are nice and I love them and I know they love me. Where as here im not sure. Im on facebook to speak to old school friends and send my family photos I have blocked his mother and sister now they were the only issue. And as neither of them can be arsed coming arond the corner to see thier grandson/nephew and they have 2 cars and have a lot of money so a taxi would not hurt its been 6 months and they have onlybeen bothered the pst 2 months and 1 month was greif. I just want to know why? I dont get it really. I cant be bothered with mind games I want my DS's to be happy and brought up ok. Have I mentioned his mother pees in the garden? Even though they hae 5 bathrooms? Its stinks outside in the summer as she does it by the door that is not right. She also said she takes a crap in foil as the council did not recycle some stuff thats not right!! I dont want my kids around that!!! Her daughter pees outside following her mum weird.....

"I just want to know why? I dont get it really"

When was the last time you and your partner spent some time together as a couple and talked through your hopes for the future? If you don't know why things are happening and aren't sure how he feels then you need to have a conversation. Had you not met his family before you moved to be nearer to them?

you sounds very angry and unwilling to compromise.... do you have a job ? If now how did you expect to support yourself and your children if you did not move to where your DH has employment?

Well I have talked to my partner several times to try and reslove the issue. This comes down to his mum being nasty to him then me seeing how it effected him I let it go for a while as I did not want to get involved. Then after a while I was fed up of it doing his head in. So I told her the good points about her son and how easy she had forgotten them. And that I have sacrificed a lot to be around the corner from her and I was hoping for a nice family here and how dissapointed I was. In the background of all of this my partner never knew his dad. Then one day his mum told him whilst she was on facebook that she had seen him. That was it no do you want to see who your dad is or anything. He then went to see him and found out he has brothers and sisters I supported him throught it all his mum then just kicked off about it and kept telling her son his dad was just a sperm donor. Whilst speaking to his dad he said she took him and did not let him know where his son had gone. He said he was worried about rejection from his son if he tried to find him. Now I dont know what to think about all that. But his mum keeps mesing with his head which is in turn messing with mine as I try to help him. I told him to stop going around to see her when she demands as he comes back wound up and fed up to the point of punching him self in the face. I took him to A&E it was that bad. I told him to see his GP he went and got told to ring a councilor he did. He was supposed to attend a stress course but he has not. Now I have a father with schitzophrenia and he refused help or treatment and it ended up a real big mess. I looked after my dad for 10 years were now at the point where he has not been sectioned for 5 years and is well. But sticking to my partner I have given up everything to be with him moved, given up a job with a promotion, along with my house (which is being rented at a loss) and my family. So yes have have had a job I have not for the last 1 1/2 years due to my baby boy but im back at work now as a school lab tech so as I get school hols with my 6 yr old. After all of this I have been more than understanding. And yes I knew his family but its got worse as time has gone on with his mum. Then his sister worked for 8 months (she is now 20) she did a course at college 2 nighs a week otherwise at home with her mum so she has got worse as well. So the family I met is not quite the family it is now and the nastyness is far worse since his mum told him about his dad. Why tell him after 32 yrs? I know he has been through a lot we all go through stuff and we need love and support. But if he keeps going back to his mum I just cant take it anymore and the DS's dont need that kind of stuff going on. Can you imagine if they saw her taking a crap in some foil and did it here at home? Thats not right or peeing in he garden all the time? I feel as a mum who is not perfect but I think those things are wrong. Sorry long winded.....