Dh so sad about his brother

[charlieandlola]

Dh's brother has virtually cut all contact with his family - has not seen his parents in 12 years, rings them at Christmas and birthdays only. I have met him twice in 15 years, he has not met my kids. It is making dh increasingly sad and angry. Can I / should I do something ? My kids are asking why their only uncle doesnt want to know them ? He is not ill , is married, working, no mh issues that i know. The boys did have a difficult childhood, dh resents beung left to pick up the pieces and deal with his parents poor health alone, plus angry seeing his kids rejected too . Help !

Depends whether or not your DH wants you to get involved.
If he doesn't, then don't.

I presume his brother has good reason for cutting contact?

He just shrugged when I said I could get in touch, so I guess he is open to it.
He clearly finds his parents toxic, but my mil is soo sad, as is dh, and my kids are just confused.

Why has he cut contact with his family? Maybe he hS good reasons?

I would stay out of it. There will be a reason why this man doesn't keep up with his family and I suspect it has a lot to do with selfishness. As someone in a similar situation once memorably said to me... 'they might want something'. If it is upsetting your DH then it is for him to deal with really. All you can do is support his decision.

Nancy I think he was v damaged by his parents but surely he at least owes them and dh an explanation of his decision. If i could tell my kids something concrete I would feel less helpless.
Also dh had the same shit time as his brother, yet dh has confronted them and reached some peace

What is DH hoping will happen if the prodigal DB reappears in everyone's life? That he'll suddenly morph into an attentive uncle? Pop over for Sunday lunches? Start running errands for the parents? Have long chats about why he absented himself in the first place? Sometimes people who have been very unhappy with their old life find it easier to leave it all behind and create an entirely new one - even if that results in collateral damage. Remarkably common for men (particularly men for some reason) on their second marriage to drop contact with children from their first, for example.

If the db made the choice to cut them out because he can't forgive what happened in his childhood, I think you and dh should stay out of it. Your dh obviously stayed in contact and helps them - and that's his choice. He can't make his db do the same.

Perhaps he could try to build bridges as brothers, and leave the parent question out of it. And really keep them out of it if he wants an uncle for the dc.

But it sounds more like your dh wants his db to take his share of the care, and I don't see that happening.

When you say 'damaged' what do you mean?

Does your DH have a good relationship with his parents?

I'd be careful with this OP.
There's obviously some reason why the db has cut contact with his family and possibly runs much deeper than you know.

Is it the fact db has left your H to deal with everything or does your H miss his brother?

If it's the latter then speak with your Dh about contacting his db by email (if possible), you could do it and just say that dh really misses him and wants to meet up somewhere neutral and keep the DP's out of it.

You have to be prepared for him to refuse though. he's kept his family out of his life for all this time, he may feel unable/may not want to let anyone back in.

Hope whatever happens works out xx

*also meant to add. Depending on the reason/s Db felt it necessary to cut contact, then he owes nobody anything, certainly not an explanation for his actions. You said yourself that you don't believe there's any MH issues so he made a fully informed/sound of mind decision that was right for him.

I understand your DH confronted his DP's and felt able to maintain a relationship with them, but that's him. The Db is a completely different person, he may not have felt able to that, maybe he just didn't want to.

Thanks all it is such a difficult one . Inhave been thinking about this for as long as I xan remember . I know that he is entitled to do as he pleases , but i feel sad for dh that he has lost his brother . I guess we are just "collateral damage".
I am not looking to recreate the waltons just understand what dh's brother wants me to say to dh and my kids
Families eh !

I don't suppose the kids are that bothered. Mystery uncles that never make an appearance don't register very much on kids' radar IME. And if DH really wants an explanation there's nothing to stop him picking up the phone. Having once instigated a reunion between two estranged family members (not my family but I was young, stupid and had seen too much 'Surprise Surprise') it didn't turn into the Waltons or even the Simpsons.... it was all rather awkward and they ended up just as distant as previously.

charlie

Hard as it is for you I would leave well alone because this is not your call. You do not know the full story behind his brother deciding to cut all contact (and likely will not) with his parents and that was a decision that was likely not made at all lightly. I am not suggesting that what he did was right but he did what he felt right at the time and he has stuck to that decision. It also sounds like he has not been able to confront his parents for what they did.

FOG - fear, obligation and guilt is still powerful among those who were raised at the hands of toxic parents.

Your DH seems to have had a very difficult childhood but has made some sort of peace with his parents but clearly your brother (is he older than your DH?) has not. You must be careful not to impose your own ideas or opinions on this matter because thankfully your own birth family are not dysfunctional like your DHs. "Normal" rules of behaviour go out of the window and actually do not apply when it comes to dysfunctional emotionally unhealthy family units.

Or.... the brother is (like a lot of men) too wrapped up in his own life to realise that his absence might have a negative impact on anyone else.

You could send a card. Do not expect a reply. Send via recorded delivery.Do not knock his door. Be prepared you may never see him again.

Speaking from similar experience, I would say leave it.

A few years ago, I tried to engineer a reunion of sorts between my dads family - six siblings and their families. I thought it would make my dad happier and I was interested to see his side of the family. Turns out, the reason they were estranged from each other was that they didn't actually like each other. They had had a difficult upbringing, abusive father in a mixed race family in London at a time when that was still an outrageous thing. It raked up old pain and bad feeling and four years on, they've gone back to not speaking to each other.

I would leave it well alone. My dad dame from a nightmare family, he decided enough was enough and has never seen or spoken to any but 1 of them again. In the last ten years both of his parents have died, he didn't even go to the funerals, he would not welcome a sister in law getting in touch and trying to change his mind.

Thanks everyone , I have sent a photoboc calender of thenkids to them , oh must be 2 Christmases ago and heard nothing bsck , so if I was to do anything it would have to be a phone call ( doubt i'd get past his pa though ??

The gollective wisdom seems to be that he has made his choice and we lose out , so I shall respect that. In my dear Dad's words < dons Yorkshire accent> If In Doubt do Nowt , as I have for the last 12 years

My DB was an unknown uncle to my DCs. Didn't miss him in the slightest (and neither did we) although if he did deign to come back to this country it was always us who drove miles to meet ups where DB and DSIL expounded on their 'exciting' lives whilst taking no interest in us or DCs.

Mind you we had several uncles who were known to DCs but hardly saw them either unless it suited them.

(I just saw it as men without kids being selfish)

And there were no toxic parents involved at all.