Not telling ex about having a baby (not his)

[Firewall]

As it states really, however I must add, baby is NOT his. I'm not sure how big an issue it is really, basically had a long term relationship with ex, drifted apart and two years later had a baby with someone else. We did very occasionally message each other in that time,and being v stressed with work there was never an opportunity to tell him and it was quite awkward so I avoided it. Obviously he found out about the baby and came to see my baby and I when she was born. However since then, another year has past with very little said, we acknowledge each other by message when there's an occasion but that's it.
Every now and then I feel really guilty for not telling him and him having to find out from other people. I know i had my reasons for not saying anything, but obviously if he was annoyed by it, its not great. I know he has moved on, or it would seem so, but through the grapevine I heard, his parents at least were annoyed I hadn't told him so perhaps he was hurt by it but nothing was said. So in a way, it feels very much like loose ends have not been tied up. I know it's a long time ago, but perhaps an apology is never too late? Or is it?
I'm not sure if I should just leave it, or if I should say anything.

I'm not sure what you think you've got to apologise for; you had split up long before you became pregnant. You didn't tell him on the odd occasion you spoke during your pregnancy - your choice, there could have been any number of reasons.

If he's upset that by that it would explain his parents' annoyance but you've moved on and so has he. I don't think it can help to try and apologise for not having done anything wrong in the past.

I'm not sure I really understand what the problem is. You had split up. What ever you did afterwards is your business and your business alone.

Why would you have needed to tell him? What on earth is it to do with his parents either?

And WTAF do you need to apologise for?! You have done nothing wrong.

You had a baby two years after you had split up with ex, so none of his business. And for the life of me, I can't see what it has to do with his parents either.

You have nothing to apologise for.

It's just the awkwardness of it though. I know what you mean. you just want to iron out a wrinkle so you can let it go.

I might write a short note to him saying that although you regret that you felt awkward about the timing of your pregnancy. say that although you were happy about the pregnancy it was difficult to handle things as maturely as you would have liked to and that that omission still occasionally plays on your mind.

don't berate yourself, don't second guess how he must have felt, just stick to what you feel you could have done better....no more no less, no assumptions about how he felt, no apologies, just keep the note short and simple about what YOU wish you had done differently. YOu remind me of me! playing things over in your head and wishing you'd done them a little differently.

Thanks all. I just didn't know if I'd broken some sort of ettiquette and would hate to have upset someone without sorting it out.
His parents had made lots of comments to mutual friends of my parents about the way their son found out so it also put my own parents in an odd situation when questioned by their friends of what I had done (or not done.... If that all makes sense?!) so it seemed very much I was in the wrong in the way I dealt with it.
Recently he did message me to ask for a catch up, so that's another reason I'm wondering whether to mention it or ignore.
Thanks Olympia, I think that may be one way to deal with it. Everything you say is completely spot on with how I feel and how it's been.

But you are not partners any more! Why does he need a 'catch up'?

Gosh, it's all very confusing! It's really nice to hear opinions of post-relationships- how it is. We were each others first relationship, so I think when it did end we were in a strange position of whether to be friends or not-whether it would be possible or not so it just ended up being awkward. it was a bit strange for both of us going from best friends to nothing. I think that's where the problem lay. So then it went to do I tell him or not about baby, didn't and then we are at the position we are in, where perhaps he feels I should have said something.
I don't know, now I write it down, it does put a bit of perspective on it. Maybe it is a non-issue but maybe because of their reaction and me being over-sensitive, it's left a bad taste.

If you were to ask 100 pregnant women to write a list of the people they wanted/needed to tell about their pregnancy, very few would put their ex or their ex's parents in that list.

Most women would tell a select few in person and then leave the grapevine to inform the rest.

Are you with the babys father? Were you with him when you were pregnant?

Thanks coppertop, that does make me feel better. Before this thread I had been feeling like I had done something wrong. His friends also cut me out since!

Yes, am with the baby's father was with him during pregnancy.

im in this situation now. pregnant with my new guy and not entirely sure how to tell ex of ten yrs. its not really his business but i do not like idea of him finding out on the grapevine either. if anything i feel sad for him. not sure how to broach it yet

I asked because I wondered if there was a lingering hope on either side that you might get back together and the baby was the elephant in the room.

But as you are happy with the babys father and there is no other issue I am genuinely perplexed as to why this is an issue! Its nothing to do with him about your baby, or his parents (especially his parents!).

If I did want to mention the baby to him it would be to ask him to tell his parents to STFU about it as it is none of their business!

lora why do need to tell him anything?

The word to focus on is "ex". He isnt part of your life anymore and what you do and who you do it with is none of his business. You might feel sad for him, but whether you tell him or he finds out on the grapevine wont change the situation will it? I think you are assuming too much, maybe he wont give a toss!

You dont need to broach it at all.

I don't think you were obliged to tell your Ex that you were having a baby. I can't see why you are worrying about this now. Do you still have feelings for your Ex?

Yes, I'm not sure if he did have a lingering hope even though I was with someone.
He sent me a congratulations text at the time but also mentioned that he thought he would congratulate even though he 'wasn't meant to find out'. I didn't really know what to make of it.

Hi lora, congratulations on your pregnancy! I'm not sure if I'd be much help on the issue!

No feelings, just don't like going through the world thinking I may have upset someone with no acknowledgement. Now I think about it, I think his parents did make an issue of it in a way as I think people were surprised by pregnancy and it added to 'bad form' in their eyes which projected onto other people.

He and his parents are making an issue out of this, that doesnt mean you have to indulge them.

You were his first love and he perhaps hoped that you would get back together, his parents dont like seeing their son unhappy and, unwisely, decided to wade in and slag you off for committing the crime of having a life after him. Perhaps they also had you pegged as mummy to their grandchildren, who knows? The point is that all the issues are theirs, you are under no obligation to inform or seek approval from people who are no longer part of your life.

Ignore them, and consider whether keeping in touch with your ex is worth the hassle.

just don't like going through the world thinking I may have upset someone with no acknowledgement

That implies that you deliberately decided to do something to hurt him, or did something morally wrong. You didnt have an affair, didnt promise him a reconciliation whilst getting pg with your OH, you just moved on and had a family with your new partner, that is perfectly ok!

He has chosen to be upset by this. You had a baby 2 years after you split up with him, there is no way that he should figure on your radar in your new life. If he hasnt gotten over you then, well sorry but that isnt your problem and you shouldnt spend your time worrying about whether he might be upset by you living a normal happy life.

I really do think that you would be better served by cutting them out of your life.

Thanks bogeyface. V insightful, I think it's definitely something I have to think about. Just want the chapter properly closed and that's it really with no negative feeling lingering. But I suppose sometimes that's not possible.