possibly even earlier than earliest steps....

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

... CBA to name change.

Were I to think about splitting (perm? temp?) from DH, what are the practical steps I should think about?
I would need to, and am fully prepared to move out of the family home. Can live with parents (who know NOTHING of this, am trying to get ducks in a row before this happens) who are VERY close by. DH is SAHD, does a massive amount with kids, I work full time and often late hours so it is simply not possible for me to have kids. And it's practical - at this stage - were it to happen

Might not suit longerterm, I realise.

What else? SHould I see a solicitor? SHould I pre-warn parents? NOBODY else knows apart from two friends at work who know I've been down for a long time, but not why.

History - sorry, long, but not wanting to drip feed. Husband is cross dresser. Should have taken steps years ago, but inexperienced, relatively innocent and didn't. Now have three kids, from 4.5 to 11.

DH is a good father, I love and respect him hugely as a man and father, but I am not sure I can take more of this. I don't fancy him, there are many 'small' things which are building up to the straw moment. IT's not here yet. I am sure of this.

Mentally I've given myself a bit of a 'deadline' - but I don't know when that will be yet.

Is it normal to actually start feeling a bit cold and rational about it all? I literally can't be arsed to panic and feel so awful and think God God God please make it all alright. I think I'm past that now? Is this normal? Does it herald anything significant.

Christ on a crutch. Lost post, much??? Sorry if you got this far. I do NOT want to go into details on relationship, sorry. But I want practical steps. I have literally no idea. I'm the first one in my fucking family who will ever have even split up. Can you believe this shit?

Sounds like you've done a fair amount of grieving already and perhaps now you are just in functioning mode to enable yourself to "find yourself along the way".

As you like and respect your DH it would really be better to plan the split together...however I know that this seldom works out and that often initially amicable splits end up quite fraught.

Once you have sorted out what you want and how/where you would live in the short and medium term it might help to sit down and think about what his anxieties would be...his maintenance, his relationship with DCs and day to day living, his accommodation, his future??

You won't be able to second guess it all, but at least if you have tried it will help you to meet half way and talk about your separate futures.

Does he have an inkling about what is going on in your head??? If it isn't much of a shock then he will be able to think rationally, if it is then you will need to be prepared to give him time and space to call his own, be prepared for anger, fear, and all those other emotions that we read on this board when a partner declares that they are going. You won't be able to dull the pain, but you can respect his feelings, his position and his right to be hurt (yes I know no doubt you are and have been hurt in an ongoing way in your relationship).

try to keep this cool rational head and the situation will be better for your DCs...if you can keep communicating and keep respecting each other as parents and as people that will help too.

I wish you all the best.

Keep posting if it helps.

On the practical level:
yes see a solicitor. if you can sort out the practicalities amicably that is best but s/he will be able to tell you what is reasonable/usual and legally supportable.

look into finances, can you keep the family home for the DCs sake? what about mortgage payments, bills, house repairs etc.

Do you have debts/investments/property/money that needs dividing?

Residence and contact...you can sort this amicably too.

spousal maintenance?

The CSA website calculator will give you a guide as to how much child maintenance you should pay as a minimum.

separate bank accounts.

Thank you. This scares the hell out of me.

We've talked about the XD before. Problem is, he's quite a depressed man, and this does relieve a lot of his mental anxiety. He has tried to stop before, bless him, and it doesn't help. I can't bear (be arsed??) to cope with his depression again, it drags me down and makes everything just 'greyer' somehow.

I don't think I'm the person I would be at 40, were I with somebody else, if that makes sense?

As to maintenance, he has just started drawing his pension. Over £1K per month. I'm happy enough to pay the bills fore the home and the children, but he would then have his £1K to draw on for himself - and some of the children's bills as well, of course.

It is workable, no doubt. But the impact on him will be absolutely beyond hideous, this much I know.

I certainly want to keep the house for the DC, they will take it hard. But today, we were out - doing the whole National Trust thing!!! And so many times I just felt myself acting in a more sedate way / avoiding doing things I would have otherwise wanted to.

I'm just not myself with him.

There's nobody else. The thought of a relationehip with OM makes my gorge rise at the moment. At least that's one silver lining??

Thank you for your advice, it has raised acouple of things I hadn't thought about.
Fucking hell. I've moved from my parents to him looking after me. I have never done anything like this in my life. Jesus, but it is frightening.

Thank you. (I keep saying that. Sorry)

PS (sorry for so many posts)
I personally wouldn't pre-warn anyone before you've talked to him, (Imagine finding that people knew before you did that you were about to be left??)

I also wouldn 't wait for the final straw...if you know you are going, get things sorted and go. you are more likely to do it "well" (if that is possible) if you are not emotional, suffering inner strain and feeling the last one breaking your back.....and why would you prolong the agony.

FWIW I have read some of your other posts and can sympathise.

lost I remember some of your previous posts...

i completely understand about waiting for something to happen. Something to signal that its time for you to make your move. I just wanted to say that 'the final straw' may be something very small...almost insignificant. So maybe just trust your judgement that you will know when it's time?

Best of luck x

ah, cross posted
It certainly makes things more straightforward when there is no-one else involved. And I think few of us make good choices when trying to recover from the hurt and pain of an ending relationship.

At the end of the day it is not kind to anyone to sacrifice your self because he has problems, sure great if love can help us to support our spouses with depression/issues...but at the end of the day we are not usually responsible for another competent adult's feelings, health etc. He sounds like his problems are becoming more entrenched and harder for him anyway so he may need some extra professional support whatever you finally choose to do.

I realise you will have tried your best to cope with his need to cross dress, but if you can't you can't and if he actually can't give it up then you are on a one-way street. i have no doubt that you have both done your best. but you cannot change who you are for someone else.

As for the practicalities...well we all learn them at some point in our lives...you will get the hang of it...it's not rocket science and without the strain of coping with long term unhappiness you may well find you have much more energy for other things.

Oh well this is impressive. I'm now sitting here crying, when I SHOULD be doing examination analysis - so a) unproductive and b) not a good look when DH comes down from his bath and I'm snivelling.

Thank you to both of you. You have written some wise words, and FWIW, thank you so much for not trying to get me to get my head around his XD. I know some women don't have an issue and I wish to GOD I were one of them. I'm near despair with how it makes me feel and fools words about being one a one-way street really do resonate.

off to find hanky and slap self hard...

miss out the slap...we can't be someone who we are not....