Relate, Internet sex and marriage

[notnow2]

Db has recently started and become obsessed with emailing/ texting women he has met on a website. I have asked him to stop twice but have found him to be contiuning. Over the weekend the inlaws were here and I found more evidence do I told them - they are disgusted and berated him and I chucked him out for the day threatening to never let him back. We have 3 kids under 5 and I want to try and fix our marriage. There are relationship issues and he has personal issues. He is going to the dr to seek help and we are going to relate. I feel scared that it won't work - any experience of relate on here?

Do you mean dp?
To be honest op you are on to a loser if you start with the line 'I want to fix my marriage'. He has betrayed you and cheated on you and if you tell him you aren't going to kick him out then he has no incentive to stop.

Sorry yes mean DH

You have both want to go relate for the right reasons I went wanting to try and save our marriage when ExH had an affair. Unfortunately he went so that he could say he had tried to everyone. Relate is non-judgemental, but when ExH refused to give up 'friendship' with OW the counsellor said not even if we gave you more time.
I think if he had wanted to make a proper try we may have been able to work through the issues.

Your dp is one of the many thousands of men in this country who are addicted to online sex/chat rooms/porn sites.

The only way to cure an addiction is complete abstinence. You need to get rid of your broadband. If you want to save your marriage that is.

Personally, i got rid of my dh and kept the broadband, but if i'd have known then what I know now, i'd have tried getting rid of the internet first.

That is a good point NotSuchASmugMarriedNow, its all so readily available now isn't it :(

Sorry I have no advice to give re Relate, I have seen them but only after my marriage ended.

I feel sad that it doesn't seem very positive that we can make it work.

It's not the end of the world if a marriage ends. And if your H is selfish and inconsiderate and considers himself more important than you, then the sooner you're rid, the better, really.

"There are relationship issues and he has personal issues."

So there are big problems both individually and as a couple? 'Personal issues' can only be resolved by the person themselves. You cannot fix a marriage solo either, there has to be effort on all sides and, if he's carrying on having internet sex even though you've asked him to stop, there doesn't appear to be any motivation to make an effort on his part. He will almost certainly pay lipservice at the Relate sessions but, if he doesn't think there's a problem, that will be as far as it goes.

As ever when there is a crisis, hope for the best but plan for the worst. Consider talking to a solicitor about your rights and your children's rights in the event of a divorce... that kind of thing.

keep the broadband, ditch the stupid fuck of a husband

you are not filled with hope, because you know it takes two to save a marriage, but only one to damage it irreparably

Echoeing what others say, only if the H is prepared to address the issues, and many aren't.

It is desperately sad, but it is true. Staying where they are and wanting you to go back to not noticing, because it's less uncomfortable for them that way, becomes their default position they will fight to the death for.

its all so readily available now isn't it

Way to pass the buck. The internet isn't the problem, ADULTS choose freely to use it whatever way they want.

I agree with AF, kick him to the kerb, don't waste your time on Relate.

it's always been available in some shape or form for those that seek it

nobody holds a gun to your head

the easier availabilty simply catches out the sad fucks that bit more quickly

Let go. He has been given time to lose this cyber fluff, he hasn't. It would seem that a ticking off from family (which I think is the right way to go) hasn't had an impact. He is not listening. Don;t waste your time.

By the way, why save a marriage to a fucking arsehole, if I may be so bold? I mean to what end and purpose. You will still be at this shit in 20 years time and just a handful of regrets and bitterness to show for it. He will be blytheyly unaware and still up his own arse.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but jsut having a day of it today. Do not be anyone's emotional work horse. Let him do it for himself and if he doesn't want to, then fuck off sunshine

Well this massive confrontation happened over weekend with the humiliation of me telling his poor parents and them berating him. Since the weekend he has made an appointment to see GP and an appointment for us to see relate. He admits he has an addiction and wants to stop - whether he can or not who knows but although I know he shouldn't have started we haven't given him chance to prove himself. I haven't been a great partner recently - stressy and not giving much to the relationship, quite shouty and mean so I need to change too.

Talk is cheap... With his parents on his case, of course he's going to say the right things about having a problem and going to Relate. Wasn't jumping to attention when it was just you asking him to stop, was he? Forget whether you've been a great partner or not and don't let the Relate sessions be all about you guilt-tripping & hashing up your supposed faults while he treats them as an excuse to justify his behaviour. He's just trying to appease his parents... be under no illusion.

This was the major problem with my marriage - went on for nearly 10 years!!

We have now been split for 15 months as nothing was ever gonna change.
We gave started mediation - and of course it's all my fault - I made him miserable - some people have no insight!!

why are you having joint counselling ?

he is the one with the problem

the minimum he should do is seek help with his issues...booking joint counselling suggests he partially blames you for his own inadequacy

hav ejoint counselling after (if you can still stand him after the dust has settled, that is)

nah, 'twas me wot killed it, SAS

Well thanks for all the replies - I am going to let him have a chance to sort himself out. He has sat in front of a go today and told all and has an assessment appointment for therapy. I will probably be crying on here when it goes tits up and you can all say I told you so