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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friends from School: always bitchy?

4 replies

Brodicea · 28/08/2012 13:51

I got in touch with an old friend a couple of years back, we had been mates at school but fell out over a load of old rubbish ('she said / he said' crap).
Since getting back in touch we were initially pretty close and got on really well. Over the last year or so, we have both found ourselves at a similar stage in life getting married, trying for kids and all that jazz. BUT unlike all of my other friendships there is this weird competitive tension building between us: I read all sorts into the things she says to me, and I think likewise.... I feel like I have to make her feel better all the time, placate her, apologise, adjust, make her feel at ease, while I get nothing back, but what I perceive to be digs. I end up comparing clothes, figures, hair, weddings, hen-dos and all sorts of stupid crap with her, in my own mind making a sort of 'top trumps' inventory of our lives - WTF? None of this stuff matters to me in my rational mind, and I certainly don't bow and crape to my other friends nor build these ridiculous comparative inventories.
I have always been happy since leaving school that I have had non-bitchy friendships where I have felt comfortable and open; is it just inherently that we are old friends that means things will always be competitive, or is it that we are at a stage in life where the old teenage rivalry has kicked in, or do I need to taper off this friendship if it makes me feel irrational, bitchy and attacked?
In short: are bitchy friendships to some extent, normal? Or is this a poisoned dynamic?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/08/2012 13:57

What I find with friends is that you kind of 'arrest' at the stage you were when you meet. Especially if there's been a gap in the friendship. If you were bitchy schoolgirls all those years ago, that's how you relate to each other. Remember going to a school reunion once and in walked 'that girl' that we never liked and always took the piss out of. She's now MD of an international company but I could still feel my eyes rolling as she was talking. Awful person that I am.

Brodicea · 28/08/2012 14:25

That's interesting Cogito! It's also surprised me how old hurts are just under the surface with us - it's like I am still the girl whose boyfriend she 'stole' and I am still the 'skinny' one Blush. I guess I can see that with other friendships too - but they were spawned in better times!

OP posts:
BettyandDon · 28/08/2012 14:28

Last time I met a school friend, she asked me if I was still into the same obscure indie band that I had adored when I was 14. I mean really, I'm 36! Do you think I havn't changed at all in 12 years.

I do not bother with them at all. Mind games and tons of 'me, me, me' behaviour. None of them grew up at all and are thankfully about 500 miles away.

JustTheRightAmountOfWrong · 28/08/2012 16:08

I don't keep in touch with any old school friends. The person I was at 16 is very different to the 38 year old me. I have absolutely nothing in common with them.

Having said that friendships should not be bitchy, they should be fulfilling and make you feel good about yourself; any that make you feel that you are not being yourself or bring out a side to you that you don't like are toxic and should be binned off.

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