Will my children hate me if I leave their daddy??

[crazybubbasmummy]

I've been with my dp for 6 years 2 dbs one age 4 one age 1, we have loved each other deeply and also hated each other at times,we are at a stage now where we just bicker, argue (over nothing important), dig at any given moment and just generally not very nice to each other, it's been like this for the past year, and I've wanted to leave but didn't want to leave him with all the debts (everything is in his name) and didn't want to upset my boys (mainly ds age 4) but I just can't stay any longer I'm not scared about being on my own I'm it worried about anything other than my boys will have to move from our lovely home to a council flat and that they will miss their daddy deeply, daddy is their favorite and I can't help but feel like I'll tear them apart and they will hate me!!

Read enough threads on MN and you'll quickly discover that some people adore quite appalling parents, whilst others regard fairly innocuous parenting faults as the last word in evil. In other words, whatever you do, your children will either cast you as the villain or hero of their lives. Children in homes where everyone bickers over nothing important can suffer terribly from stress and will not thank you for the sacrifice. So make the best of your life and, even if they later criticise, at least you'll have retained your integrity.

Hi there,
I didn't want to leave you without an answer.
Your children won't hate you, no. They would prefer to have happier parents than live in an atmosphere as you describe.
However I do think they would prefer a happy atmosphere with both parents together, if possible - have you tried counselling etc? It might just improve things.
You also have 2 very young children which are hard work, grind you down and make you feel like nothing but a mother. Things will improve in that respect with time, maybe you could try things in a different way until that passes?
Hope you find a way soon

That was the long answer, sorry.

The short answer is 'no'.

If it's constant bickering rather than him being a bully, counselling might well help you communicate better with each other. However, if he's forever throwing his weight about and/or physically aggressive to you then it's better to get rid of him.

I am in the same spot as you. It is incredibly hard, isn't it? I have gone back and forth on whether to stay or go and cannot seem to get up the courage to do it. I hope whatever choice you make works out well for you and your children.

Thank you everyone, he doesn't throw his weight around or bully me, I'd be long gone by now if he did, we just don't like each other, we are horrible people to one another and I know that we are not them people! Ive told him how I feel and he agrees breaking up is best, so maybe that's it! Decision made but yes at least I know I tried for a very long time and did what was best xx

Print that last paragraph out and keep it somewhere because that's a pretty good explanation to give your DC when they're old enough to ask questions. "Didn't like each other, are horrible together and nicer apart... but we both love you very much." Children will understand that.

I'd try counselling or some sort of outside help for you both, to decide if that's what you want. If you split, it's much harder to go back and try again. If you do go, you know you tried all the options.

Second Inkyfingers... Try counselling first. We bicker with DP all the time too but I attribute it to DS being so young, us both being so over-tired all the time and never having time for us as a couple.

Also, love goes in cycles, hard times come and go, but so do the good times. Do you genuinely don't like each other anymore or have you simply temporarily lost the loving feeling?

My parents bickered all the time, I heard my mum cry a lot but they never wanted to split and thye are together after 45 years of marriage more in lvoe than I've ever seen them. Can you not make the effort to try and find a way to get on? I'm glad they did as I could go to uni, travel aorund et.c.. I would never have had the upbringing I had if my mum had gone solo...

My parents bickered a lot, stuck together and are still together after 54 years of marriage ..... still bloody bickering. No-one likes spending time at their house and both DB and I have had various problems forming good adult relationships. Sometimes counselling is just a fancy way of flogging a very dead horse.

no. mine don't. they are so young and yet I think they get it. I tell them (sometimes) that nobody should stay with a person who makes them unhappy. I try to tell my dd that a husband should be nice to you. So, I'd be very surprised if my dd blames me for leaving a man who was so horrible to me. It was my prerogative to leave him, and for her OWN sake and future relationships, I hope she gets that!

You need to know that you tried everything and that the horse was rigor mortis; so you finally split up. Then DCs, when older maybe, know it was the end of the road.

why slag off the ex to the kids? You want them to take sides?

I am witnessing my parents' divorce at the age of 31, and it really upsets me when my mother implies that she remained for so long in what she considers an unhappy marriage "for the sake of the children".
I would also advise counselling in your case.

At the moment we are bickering about bickering! I'm in a bad mood do maybe a few days apart then a chat about what next, I don't want to hit 40-50 and get divorced and think I've wasted 31 years of my life being miserable! Xx thanks everyone xx

I would see if you can make an arrangement re the debt

My sil left bil with all the family debt in his name. He is crippled dealing with it while she now has no debt and he still pays the maintenance

Leave him but just make sure it's fair

Very, very tentatively (because obviously I don't know your circs) I think marriage with small kids is usually hard. I'm talking under 3s, really. Are yours good sleepers? Sleep deprivation is a killer of patience, sense of humour, sex and adult conversation. All you're left with is nit-picking. My marriage was shocking for about 2 years when DS was born, not anything dramatic, just low level aggro, like you describe. Yet as soon as we both got more sleep and things leveled out it was great again.

Kids are wonderful. They are also the ultimate energy drain, and all the focus is on meeting their needs when they're tiny. That's right and inevitable, but I do think, unless things are unspeakable, that it might be worth trying counselling and also reflecting on how much sleep you are both getting, and what that may have to do with the state of your relationship.

We both get enough sleep, both mine sleep 7-7 , he is trying really hard to keep me here, and because he wants to try I feel I owe him and dc another try aswell! I will definetly look into councilling, because I do love him a lot! When I sit and actually think of what we have built and created together and everything he makes possible i feel overwhelmed and am incredibly lucky, im hoping it will pass now xx