How shall I play this?

[filthycute]

I have posted a few times before specifically about how my ExP uses his work to 'manage' our co parenting. We He uses Google calender to tell me when he will be available to have our son, this is updated when he feels like it. I am asked to add into the calender if there are any occasions when I need him to have DS and he will 'see what he can do'. This has been going on for 12 months or so.

At the moment my DF is terminally ill and I am trying to spend as much time as possible with him - they live 300 miles away. So far I have taken my DS with me as ExP is always unavailable due to work to have him for the times I need to go - to fit in hospital visits etc.

I have planned to spend a few days there this week and had duly put into the calender the days - but oops I made a mistake, I discovered this morning when I dropped DS off that I had failed to include Friday in the calender request ( I am attending a consultant appointment with DF - DP went mad said - I have to come back Thursday because he is working. I asked why he couldn't book leave this once (he hasn't taken any leave in almost 2 years) que the drivvell about how no one else is available I should have been more careful etc.

This had really pissed me off, I have to accommodate his work all the time - If he is working I have to cancel work arrangements etc because he claims he has zero flexibility in his work patterns.

So what I'm thinking is - do I just say tough - I am away until Friday - sorry I made a mistake on the calender but you will just have to sort something out! or do I do as usual and make alternative arrangements, take DS with me? I know if I do the first option he will be incandescent with rage , He'll be abusive and pile on the guilt about me abandoning my son, but I'm just so sick of it always being bloody well about him,

Thanks

I'm sorry your ex is giving you such a hard time. Can you not just decide on fixed days and times when you each have your son?

Not only stay tough but get the access arrangements fixed and established legally. It'll come as a shock to him but being a parent is a 24/7 job and children are not simply there to be picked up and put down when work allows. Stop trying to be amicable about it because you're being taken for a mug.

thanks for the replies, I feel really torn, ExP works in a job with no fixed hours which can sometimes spread over 7 days, he never gets the same day off each week and I just have to suck it up.

He says that he would love to have DS more and more regularly, he texts to say how much he misses him. But If I push for a formal arrangement he gets abusive, spits on about how he will have to leave his job, lose his home just to please me, that I have all the power.

I know its controlling and EA, that's why I waked, but he is exhausting. I got angry with him earlier in front of DS - his response was to kick a leather football as hard as he could at my car, leaving a dent - he then shouted that I was Out of order arguing in front of our son and that he never hears arguing there. His parting shot was that my son was a dickhead -(older DS 19 from Previous relationship) he knows this usually winds me up - but now I'm just glad he thinks that because going by his standards I would hate him to like my son.

Go for the formal arrangement and make sure you are 100% honest about car-denting, verbally abusive situations. Your children sound like they are far better off without this man quite honestly. There is no good reason whatsoever why his life should continue unaltered and you should be jumping through hoops trying to keep him sweet. He is an ex for good reason and yes, it's about having the power. He's abusing the power he has.

Tell him you will be away.

That's it.

You have commitments too, and he'll have to accept that.

In addition, when your DS is older, he will have clubs and activites. He should not be forced to miss things he wants to do because of his dad.

In this situation I'd leave him to manage until friday.

I think it's very reasonable, why should he get to choose when he can and can't be a parent. I don't imagine you are able to say "well if my fucking google calendar doesn't agree, then nope, no can do" so why the hell should he?

If he can't see nor understand your reasons for needing him to look after your Ds more at the moment then it does seem a formal arrangement needs to be put in place, with or without ex's agreement.
His job is not your problem OP and once you have an agreement in place he'll have to look for his own childcare (family/friend obviously someone who can be trusted) when Ds is with him, again-not your problem.

Sorry about your DF xx

I have this with my dcs dad. I have said to him over and over again that other people, when they get a job tell work, "I am not available for work on xday because I have my children" or they make childcare arrangements. What has resulted is that xp just doesn't really have much contact (he doesn't care though) because I'm not his pa and not there to make his life easier and have insisted on contact that is the best it can be (although still not brilliant) for the dcs over him turning up when he feels like it. Picking them up and dropping them at his convenience is really damaging and disruptive.

I think you need to stop with this google calendar arrangement and he needs to have a set time regularly for contact. You are not with him anymore so it isn't your job anymore to facilitate his career.

So when does he find out what hours he is working? A week in advance, a day? Or he never knows from one day to the next?

What on earth does he do for a living?!

Agree that this will run and run and always be a nightmare for you as long as it remains ad-hoc. And also a bit disorientating for your DS, I'd have thought. So yes, try and sort set days from now on - you see him on X&Y days and that's that. You don't say how old your DS is but school etc will require more structured arrangements, I'd have thought.

And I'm very sorry about your father. In your shoes I'd probably take DS with me, just because the fall-out from saying tough, deal with it, would be more hassle than it was worth. You have to make a call between the fall-out versus the point-making versus the inconvenience to you of having DS with you.

HI, thanks for the replies. I did leave him to it, he was abusive as predicted, so much so that I caved, but at that point he turned it around and said he had 'managed to sort something out'.

Fast forward to today,the 'calendar' states he will be having DS today through until Tuesday, he has put this with a question mark, so this morning I left a note on the calender to say I would drop DS after 6pm.

Just had an email - 'too late I can't now - you didn't reply so I assumed that you were keeping him as you have hardly seen him all week'.

I just can't win - he sees nothing wrong with this arrangement, I have no idea when he will next be available to see DS.

I have just sent an email saying I will be assuming that as I have no idea when he will want to see DS that he will stay with me, I have also said once again that there needs to be a regular fixed schedule.

Head - brick - wall - bang, I have no idea short of going through the courts how to resolve this. I really can't afford legal support, I won't get legal aid and financially as I'm paying for everything I have nothing to spare!

Mediation is cheaper. The court will not allow him to apply for a contact order through court if you have offered mediation.

I did actually say something similar to my x : "the DCs need stable and regular contact, in order to achieve this you need to come at a regular and consistent time. I propose you have the DCs for x amount of time per week on x days if this is not convenient please let me know when is. If you cannot agree to provide a stable regular time for contact you will not be able to see dc until we have attended mediation in order to sort out a proper contact arrangement that benefits dc because this one is not working and dc cannot go on being messed around at the last minute when you feel angry with me."

Thanks Offred I will try mediation, at least the offer of it. He is currently ranting over e-mail about my arrogance - who do I think I am - 'you are not in charge of this situation' He expects me to converse with him when he informs me of his availability - there is no correspondence the other way - he just assumes that the times he is not available I will take responsibility for managing all care.

His latest rant suggests I cannot hack being a mother so DS will be better off with him.

I think that I will have to force things down a legal route.

Disengage from the ranting easier said than done.

If he is a ranter perhaps ask only for communication by text as it is much harder to write big long rambly angry texts. You are free to dictate how you are willing to communicate with him.

I said to mine. "I am not willing to speak to you unless you can be calm and rational and stick only to a discussion about dc. Telling me your opinion of me in such a bullying way is unacceptable and irrelevant. For the sake of the children we need to be reasonable with each other. It is pointless and counter productive to shout at me like this, please stick to discussing how we move forward. If you cannot do this i will be forced to stop communicating with you directly and direct all communication through a solicitor. You do not need to like me but I am the mother of your children and as a very bare minimum you need to treat me with respect or you will hurt them."

If you offer mediation unless he has a very good reason why he won't attend then he'll end up paying a solicitor to tell him the court won't accept an application for an order. We went straight to court but that was because when my x applied to mediation first I was still terrified of him (and even leaving the house) and he was actually still harassing me and the police were involved so mediation assessed us and refused to see us due to ongoing domestic abuse. That is the only reason it went to court straight away for us. We did eventually end up in mediation and I found it extremely good.