Knock on effect of counselling for EA/controlling relationships

[AnastasiaSteele]

Just thinking outloud and wondering if this is common.

I'm in an EA relationship. The highs are high, the lows are low. I go through spells of thinking I'm being a screaming harpy who has spent too much time on this board, but in my gut, I know something isn't right, and all told, if there were a bingo card for an EA relationship, I'd be winning. I've recognised it, which is the first step and I'm having counselling, and my getting out is a whole other thread. This process has taught me that which I knew to an extent, and made me sensitive to the fact that DP while being the first romantic relationship I've been manipulated in, I've been subject to controlling relationships. As a child, my bullies were my 'friends' and some of my friends have controlling tendencies, can be manipulative and make me feel bad about myself - I will try to think of some examples, but I don't want to out myself.

As I've gotten older, I've learned to spend time with nicer people and made healthier friendships - which is obviously fantastic, but links to these less than savoury characters remain in one particular social circle.

I've woken up and smelled the coffee as it were. I stand up for myself. I feel right in doing this. I have a tendency to avoid conflict but now I feel that I'm falling out with people - I've registered the behaviour and the fact that I'm not quite as agreeable as I used to be is going down like a lead balloon. I will be breaking ties with some of these. I don't think I'm being oversensitive, maybe I am.

I'm sure it will come off as a side effect of my controlling relationship - but not in the classic Abuser-Trying-To-Isolate-DP-Sense, instead that I'm not taking crap from anyone.

I'm not isolating myself completely - I have some amazing friends who know what is going off, and they outweigh the people who take advantage of my nature, and it's only a couple of individuals I need to distance myself from, but they are very draining.

Has this happened to anyone else? i'm glad I have so many good people around, otherwise I'd be creating ideal conditions for me to become isolated.

"Has this happened to anyone else?"

Absolutely. I started doing this about 20 years ago after one really good 'friend' from way back thoroughly hurt my feelings by exploiting my good nature. When you are a doormat, you attract 'friends' with big dirty feet. :) Users. When you stop being so easily manipulated, those same people don't like you very much. Stands to reason. The trick is to replace the people who treat you badly with those that think you are marvellous just as you are... and be really choosy in the process. May mean you end up with a smaller circle of friends but I'd say one genuine 'amazing' friend is worth 20 fakes.

I agree about quality/quantity. My Christmas card list is going to be shorter this year, that's for sure! Generally, the friends I've made later on in life are the better ones - something about me having a better friend filter now ('D'P being the exception).

Could have written your OP, Anastasia. So this sounds like par for the healthier course to me.

Sounds like you're on the right track - tough as it may be at times.

Spend time with enough friends that think you're marvellous just as you are and a 'D'P that is always trying to do you down will start to look like the odd one out. You'll have the courage to kick him to the kerb then,