Why am I upset/angry?

[LilBlondePessimist]

I haven't bothered name changing for this as on my phone it's too hard, so I'll ask that if anyone here recognizes me from rl (highly unlikely), that you don't mention it to me (stupid paranoia over now!).

I'll try to give as much detail as possible so as not to drip feed, but try not to make it too long.

I'm 18wks pregnant, and still bf ds3 (10mths), and my libido is virtually zero. I know this frustrates dh, so I do try on occasion as I realise it's unfair on him, but most of the time I'm too sick/sore/exhausted to do anything but go straight to sleep, and I have turned him down several times now. We rarely do anything. I have severe HG which I'm medicated for, the antiemetics make me sleepy, and I have early onset spd :(

Anyway, on Saturday night/into Sunday, I got very little sleep due to ds3, and was exhausted Sunday morning, so dh got up with the kids at 7, and I slept till 9. This tbh is a rarity, and I was grateful, but when I got up, dh was in a pretty foul mood, and nipped and picked at me all day - I hadn't vacuumed properly, I took too long in the shower while he was trying to do things but had to look after the baby etc etc.

Eventually we had a huge row, admittedly I swore at him, then we pretty much stopped talking and avoided each other for the rest of the day. We even went to sleep not speaking which hadn't happened for a couple of years. On Monday morning, we were civil to each other, then I took the oldest dc to school and came back for the middle one who had a doctors appointment. I kind of expected him to come with us, but he said he had jobs to do in the house. I was pissed of and just left without saying by.

When I came back, I decided the whole thing was a bit silly, so started acting more normally and so did he, though neither apologized and there was a bit of an atmosphere still.

Anyway, fast forward to evening when he had gone to work, and I was using his laptop (to mumsnet). I went into the history to find a previous page I'd been on (neither of us has passwords or anything to hide), only to discover that ten minutes after I'd left for the doctors that morning, he'd watched porn. Only for ten minutes or so by the looks of the videos, so I can guess what he was up to.

Anyway, the point is, it was pretty mainstream, normal stuff. I know he occasionally looks at porn, we sometimes do together. I totally understand that as I'm not interested in sex right now that he may probably will masturbate etc, and this doesnt upset me at all. I have no moral problems with mainstream porn, and it would never bother me when he has mentioned looking at it but this time I was upset, angry, my stomach churned, and I started shaking. I haven't mentioned it (not sure why), and I don't feel so bad about it now, but I can't understand my initial reaction. Was it hormones? I don't know. I kind of almost felt cheated on (I know this makes no sense, and is in no way meant to be disrespectful to those who have been cheated on, sorry).

I suppose I'm just looking to see if anyone can explain my irrational reaction. Sorry for the long post, and thank you if you've got this far.

In his shoes I would have done the same. In fact when I was pg and had spd making sex a virtual impossibility I spent some time on the Internet looking at porn myself. I've also been known to make myself come in a frustratedly vindictive fashion when turned down by a tired spouse - "coming in a huff" it's known as!

If sex is not really a fun option or priority for you right now maybe you need to spend some more time being physically close and intimate without PIV. During my pregnancies we had lots of foot massages, back rubs, putting soothing cream in jumpy legs and general physical pampering - on both sides actually. It went a log way towards maintaining intimacy. Although I will admit to being a bit of a harridan for the last trimester when DH was rather less than enthusiastic about runoy pumpy with my elephantine bloated body and the enforced celibacy after the birth.

Sounds like you just need to chat kindly to one another and appreciate each others frustrations and limitations at this time.

justme I am sorry for telling you to shut up, that was out of order

I am just a bit sick of straightforward, no-nonsense advice being translated into marriage-wrecking, dangerous and man-hating bollocks

we all have a right to respond to the OP as we see fit (based on the info given), and OP's choice is to take and leave the advice that fits his/her situation the best

Someone else commented that he wasn't doing 'family' things while I had our dc at the doctors AF, I was just commenting that he did actually do something constructive over and above looking at porn. And I felt like it was me who made him come across so badly, I didn't say anyone called him a monster.

I've already said that I made it clear that it wasn't acceptable to dig at me, and that yes, we do need a chat about my situation and how he can be inconsiderate of it, but that doesn't mean he's some selfish sex crazed cunt who couldn't care less what I'm going through as long as he can 'have sex on me'!

I'm not exactly sure what the band wagon is or who is jumping on it, and tbh, I don't think I'm interested.

I'm not sure that is too balanced actually and I haven't seen a lynch mob here.

There is a difference between having needs and behaving like a sulky petulant child when pestering hasn't had those needs fulfilled in the exact specific way that you would like those needs fulfilled.

Relationships do need intimacy, sex is one tiny weeny part of the intimacy in a relationship just as it performs other functions (stress relief etc) too. I agree with what I know AF is not saying about what she thinks about porn. The way he is behaving demonstrates feelings of entitlement to sex which are unhealthy IMHO. He is angry he is not getting satisfaction from his wife so he feels entitled to get satisfaction by casually abusing other women.

I like a huge amount more and much different type of sex than I've been getting in my marriage, my husband is very unconfident sexually and has performance anxiety problems, we are working together on his confidence and things are getting much better but he does not fully fulfil my sexual needs, it is my choice to be in my relationship, I know he wants to improve things, I know he can't help his lack of confidence and that he is working on it with me, I know he'll eventually be able to talk to me about what he likes and we'll both be better lovers to each other. The journey of it is making me love him so much more!

Equally when I had twins and for a variety of reasons was off sex completely (and afraid of it) for 18 months he was loving and patient and supportive and did not pester, sulk or watch porn. Having a sexual desire is not the same as feeling entitled to have that desire fulfilled. I really think the word need is overused in this context too. People need shelter, food, water, relationships need intimacy, this isn't the same thing as sex.

Lots of ordinary, apparently nice, highly functioning and caring people have damaging feelings about entitlement to sex I feel btw, being a great parent or an otherwise loving partner is not a good indicator of whether someone feels sexual entitlement.

I dunno, if your dh was on medication that made him really drowsy and had something like pregnancy that made his hormonal levels vary dramatically would you be huffing and puffing that he didn't want regular sex whenever you did? Would you have a row and turn to some Internet porn the second you got an opportunity to let off your frustrations?

I think you're perfectly within your rights to have a chat and point out that being pregnant is hard work, especially with further complications and that you need support not hassle because you can't do everything you can do when you're not pregnant. If he's not happy because of it then maybe discussing the kind of sex you do have I.e. without contraception, would be worth a go too because although it is trite, it takes two to make a baby and it's not like you haven't been there before as a couple and all this is a big surprise to you both.

Our argument was nothing to do with sex. He wasn't sulking because I'd rejected him. He hadn't pestered me and wasn't angry that I hadn't satisfied him. We had an unrelated argument, I then discovered that while we still weren't speaking he looked at porn. This doesn't translate to 'casually abusing women' because I wouldn't have sex.

Your, and AF's feelings about porn are irrelevant - ive already stated that under normal circumstances I don't have a problem with him occasionally looking at porn. It was this particular instance, in which I felt irrationally upset. It transpires that this may be more down to how I have been feeling, and the fact that he hadn't been a bit more considerate of that.

There wasn't a lynch mob here offred, not that is, until you arrived.

handbagcrab, yes he's been a bit selfish, and no, I'd like to think I wouldn't act like that. We will talk about it, as I'm sure if he realised how it had upset me he would be unhappy. And I'll also be reiterating the fact that I'm not as physically able as I am when not pg.

There's no lynch mob. Watching porn is casually abusing other people isn't it though?

You asked in your op if people could explain your "irrational feelings". What I am getting at is cognitive dissonance explains them.

I was wondering how lOng it would be before someone either mentioned abuse or started diagnosing psychiatric issues.

OP I strongly suggest you take anything said on this forum with regards to your relationship of the state of you and your partners mental health with a skip sized pinch of salt.

Cognitive dissonance is not a "psychiatric issue"...

I don't share your views about porn offred, which I've already stated clearly more than once.

And no, I don't agree either that cognitive dissonance was responsible for my feelings. I'm in no way confused or conflicted over my feelings on the matter. Hth.

Oh, and fwiw, I'm not abused, and I don't need psychoanalysis either thanks.

Don't worry Justme, I'm not enroute to a psychologist just yet. :)

Good to hear it. OP. bit of common sense.

And offred, not everything in my post is directly about you.

that may be so, OP, but you are certainly very defensive for some reason < shrug >

"selfish sex crazed cunt"

the polite thing to do when someone has taken the time to offer advice (that you asked for) which you think is way off mark, is to a) ignore it b) rebut it without massively escalating what they said and putting words in their mouth

This porn thing reminds me of the weird thing lots of people have about meat. That they won't touch it raw or that they don't like bones or that they don't want to think about it being an animal. They like the taste though.

The sex industry abuses vulnerable people, watching porn undermines the principles of consent. People say you "shouldn't think so deeply" about it because it is "just a bit of fun".

I still eat meat because personally I don't have a problem with killing animals to eat them and I'm happy to actually do it myself but it is silly to pretend it isn't a dead animal and if you have to I don't think you should eat meat. It is an abuse of power really to do it, but I feel for me an acceptable one, although I agree with my vege family/friends about the reasons for their vegetarianism.

I think it is perfectly possible to say you've thought about it and think porn is a morally acceptable kind of abuse but equally mad to say porn specifically etc forms an essential part of healthy human sexuality or that it isn't an abuse.

Cognitive dissonance btw is not about being confused or conflicted. It is about having "irrational feelings" when you don't feel confused or conflicted.

And I thought I was clear in saying casually abusing other women.

Offred the op didn't ask for your views on porn and has made it clear more than once they are not shared by her nor of any help to her in this instance. I suggest you go and bang that drum somewhere else and let people address the points the op DOES have an issue with. This is not your soapbox. Feel free to start an antiporn thread of your own if you like.

I think it's natural to become defensive when your dh is accused of 'having sex on you', having an unhealthy entitled attitude towards sex, pestering me, being angry that I haven't satisfied him etc etc. My posts haven't indicated that - I said that I know he's frustrated at the sex drought just now and I understand that. Actually AF, I actually respect the fact that you haven't shoved your views on porn down my throat, but as usual, any thread involving porn has started turning sour - and in only two pages. How long before I'm a 'rapidt apologist'?

For the last time offred, I do not share your views on porn. Is that clear. I am not looking for a debate on the morality of porn either.

And I know exactly what cognitive dissonance means. And it still doesn't apply to me.

I would be pissed off at his behaviour and that he neglected his duty to help you with the doctors so he could stay home and watch porn. Is he a 16 year old boy??

I never said you had to or that i wanted or expected you to. I never said he was abusive or he was abusing you either. You asked for opinions. My opinion is it may be cognitive dissonance because people are socialised in a variety of ways to ignore that porn is an abuse and that men are entitled to/need penetrative sex/blowjobs but that because this can actually be harmful emotionally and intimately this issue often comes to a head in a heterosexual relationship when a woman is pregnant/off sex resulting in "irrational feelings".

The "why" always matters. This dissonance often happens when when people believe things without having thought about the why properly or without being really true to themselves. Thinking about the "why" doesn't necessarily mean people would not watch/like porn anymore. It is a bit silly to tell me not to say things about porn on a thread that is about porn. Can't help it if you don't like what I say. Also a bit fishy to entirely dismiss the suggestion out of hand.

I think it was the fact that I was no sooner out the door (or at least, that certainly didn't help matters).

It's not that surprising, is it? Once he's sure that you aren't going to come back because you've forgotten your purse or something, that's the best time for not getting caught or getting into trouble.

Does he feel uncomfortable masturbating in front of you?