Slightly odd question about an old ex.

[FunnyOldExQuestion]

When I say "old" I mean in every sense.

I wanted some opinions on this please. it's a bit odd but I hope some older MNs might be able to advise.

I have an ex from decades back. We weren't married, but half lived together and had 5 years as a couple, then kept in touch amicably for 12 years after that before he married for the 1st time in his 50s. I married soon after we split. He is much older than me.

We are still in touch - mainly Xmas cards and the very occasional phone call maybe once every 2 years if something crops up we want to share.
It's utterly platonic- truly- not a hint of anything else, as our relationship fizzled out into a friendship anyway.

His wife was very possessive when they first married and more-or-less told him to end our friendship, and he toed the line. She now seems more accepting.

They've now been married 20 years and he is in his 70s ( she's much younger and in fact younger than me.)

Getting to the point: the likelihood ( not certain, I know) is that he will die before me. I'd like to know when it happens, as we were very close, and I owe him a lot- he was my boss as well as a partner, and it's really thanks to him that I survived in my first job after graduating etc etc, as well as everything esle- he's a very kind person.

Xmas cards are sent and signed by him and I doubt his wife knows how to contact me. I feel a bit stupid asking him to make arrangements to let me know "when anything happens to him" but wonder if there is any way I could? Otherwise the only way I'd know would be no Xmas cards!

You say that his wife is now more accepting - if she is ok with you now, I am sure she will let you know along with his other friends... I guess he has you in an address book, or has your phone number?
On a practical note maybe send your contact details in your Xmas card this year, and address it to both him and his wife? Otherwise, you say you speak every so often - give him a call and ask (if you are close enough to talk about that stuff) without offending him if possible!

On an emotional note it sounds like you are scared of losing him and can't quite let him go; even if this is now as a friend, someone central to your life history. But in many ways you already lost him a long time ago. You won't be able to control what his wife does when he goes, and IMO contacting her now would be like laying some claim; a) she might be offended that you think she wouldn't get in touch if the time came or b) your request would confirm her suspicions about your feelings.

Also, I'm not that old but I am divorced also and do have similar worries about losing total track of my ex so I do see where you are coming from. Sometimes I wonder if we always have some love for the people we have loved, even if it is for the person they were to us rather than the person they are now (sorry if that's pukesome!)

Thanks.
There is no real emotional tie. I am very fond of him, and have fond memories- it was a very intense time of my life- new job, relocation, and he really enabled me to settle and succeed.

We exchanged letters 5 years ago when I said sorry for my part in the downfall of the relationship- and he wrote a long letter back explaining how his hang ups and childhood had played a huge part in it all and how he took the lion's share for it not working.

He explained that his wife had been jealous of our friendship and that once he was married, he'd found it hard to balance being friends and being married.

I always address Xmas cards to them both but whether she sees it I don't know. I somehow doubt she would contact me if he was ill- or worse. Obviously he doesn't live near me and our paths don't cross.

I'll have to think of some tactful way of asking him to let me know when and if his health fails first. He asked me to their wedding- I wasn't able to go- so that maybe gives you some idea of how we can manage to juggle being friends with the past!

I see Funny, I guess if the wife really hated you you wouldn't have been invited so that's a good sign.

I reckon have a chat with him as you say, and try not to worry. He sounds like a really understanding chap who has a balanced view of your relationship - Hopefully his wife is similarly wise at heart underneath her jealousy.

if it's really important to you could you make a trip over to his area and suggest calling in to see them both?

I'll have to think of some tactful way of asking him to let me know when and if his health fails first.

Could you tell a little white lie and pretend not to get his Christmas card this year, and then phone on the grounds that you were worried about him?

Then develop the conversation along the lines of who would tell you if anything happened to him.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, thanks for the suggestions.

Re. going to visit- not out of the question as they live in a "tourist" city- but TBH I think my DH would be a bit at seeing him because he is old and totally different from DH- he's very upper crust and stiff upper lip, with strangers.

Re. the note- yes- a possibility. He mentioned an illness in passing last time we spoke- well over a year ago- and it sounded " degenerative". He's a bit like the Royal family- doesn't do illness, and is pushed to talk about it, so we glossed over it.

We don't speak that often and a phone call to ask how he is might seem odd. But it's a possible.

I could send a Xmas card with a note and not have his DW open it and maybe destroy it? On the other hand- he might not even want me to know if he is ever ill.

His wife is from overseas and I am not sure, but it's always crossed my mind that if she is left a "young widow" she might return there. She's on FB and is contactable that way,and almost all her FB friends are from her home country.