Ok to just plod along?

[goddessturnedfrump]

I'm a lurker on here really, but after feeling fed up for a long while I've decided to post. DP and I have DD and I have DS from a previous relationship. DS has a good relationship with DP, in fact he absolutely adores him. The problem is I feel DP and I are just plodding along.

I'm a SAHM, DP works mon-fri. I never expect him to do anything around the house, but he'll often volunteer to do dishes in the evening. He's a good dad to both DD and DS but wouldn't volunteer to take them out by himself (even to the shop). I think that's mostly because I suffered PND after DD and wouldn't let him, so he's worried how it would affect me. He's not a useless and quite hands on with kids in the house. So what's the problem? Well I don't suspect him of cheating, or living another life etc but god I sometimes wish he did! I'm so bored of our relationship. I don't feel like he loves me, or us as a family. Yes he's hands on but he does everything with a face like a smacked arse!

He comes in from work, miserable. Spends the evening miserable. Always feel like I've done something wrong, even though he'll tell me it isn't me. He doesn't hug me or kiss me, our sex life is crap! He thinks a little fumble before bed is all I need, he seems satisfied. I however, am not. I honestly feel like we're just plodding along for the children's sake. I'd feel guilty leaving him as DS loves him so much (his dad is unreliable though is a part of his life) but the relationship is just lacking. He plays the lodger role, and the father role but then seems to forget about me. I don't want him to buy me expensive gifts, I just want to feel loved. I want a cuddle when he gets in from work.

I've talked to him about it over and over and the reply is always the same "I'll change I'll show you I love you because I don't want you to leave". Then nada. Like I said there's nothing majorly wrong, but then there's nothing right. I can't think of a time when we've been really happy IMO, there's no passion to be honest I'm pretty bored of it. Do I just sound pathetic? Should I be grateful that he's not abusive (like XP) or a serial cheater (also like XP)? Can plodding along work for the children's sake? Maybe I should just put my happiness aside, I can't destroy the children's lives because I just want more can I?

Is he miserable at work? Would he think about a career change? Does he have depression? I'm so sorry you're unhappy, the situation sounds hard but at the same time many marriages are probably similar. Have you suggested counselling?

I've mentioned to him about depression, but he seems adamant that it's not the case. He seems quite content in his job, I always ask how his day went etc I know he wants to move up the ladder so is doing some extra training through work. I think he's just happy with going along like this whereas I'm not, I know there are kids involved but surely that doesn't have to stop us feeling like a couple. I do all the work of setting time aside to enjoy each other's company, we don't go out but the couple of times we have it's been my suggestion and I've arranged babysitter etc. We're not married, and I definitely don't want to marry if this is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives. Relationships take work, but I feel there's only me trying to put the effort in.

I've mentioned to him about depression, but he seems adamant that it's not the case. He seems quite content in his job, I always ask how his day went etc I know he wants to move up the ladder so is doing some extra training through work. I think he's just happy with going along like this whereas I'm not, I know there are kids involved but surely that doesn't have to stop us feeling like a couple. I do all the work of setting time aside to enjoy each other's company, we don't go out but the couple of times we have it's been my suggestion and I've arranged babysitter etc. We're not married, and I definitely don't want to marry if this is how it's going to be for the rest of our lives. Relationships take work, but I feel there's only me trying to put the effort in.

I feel for you and don't really know what to suggest other than counselling. Have you discussed separating specifically? I get the impression you have since he's saying he doesn't want to lose you. Have you considered a trial separation? Might give him a kick up the arse? Given you're not married I don't think you have any obligations to him specifically if you're not happy but I understand that you don't want to disrupt the children. He says he doesn't want to lose you but do you think he's really thought through the effects of a relationship break down on the kids?

I don't think that sounds like plodding. Plodding sounds easier. Plodding implies a kind of easy contentment. What you have sounds much stressier than plodding. Some people are afraid to rock the boat, but your boat sounds like an unhappy place.

I would ask him if he's happy. But don't feel that it's your role or your obligation to make him happy. If he's not happy with our family then that's no reflection on you. Split up, make sure he takes BOTH kids when he has access (he might as well mightn't he, it'd be ridiculous to take one not the other, and you'd never have any free time if he only takes your dd). If it's not YOU but him, blah blah blah then at least you've put it out there.

"Should I be grateful that he's not abusive (like XP) or a serial cheater (also like XP)? "

No. Decent men are not abusive and don't cheat so those are givens, not things to be grateful for. What you're describing is a boring, grumpy man... and who wants to look at one of those over the cornflakes? Maybe he does love you but you shouldn't be grateful for that either. The right life-partner should make your life better on some level, not leave you wondering 'is that as good as it gets?'

Thank you so much for your responses.

I've spoken about separating over and over, but also told him how I'd feel like I've ruined the kids lives so I think he's hanging on that as his guarantee I won't leave. However, after writing it down I definitely think separating will be for the best. I don't think counselling will work for us, as I truly believe he'll never change the way he is. He's just content in this life. Things have taken a twist today as just found out I'm expecting again, but I don't want this to cloud my decision. I'll be a far better parent if I'm happy and focus on only them.