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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

split with h only weeks ago and now he's spending weekends in gay bars

22 replies

turnedexgay · 27/08/2012 22:56

I don't get how we could be married for ten years and he could have ignored my requests for him to leave for so long and then when he finaly does suddenly he's off out trying the other side! how does that happen?

OP posts:

TellyBug · 27/08/2012 22:58

Some people are bisexual. Some gay men marry women. Who knows what it is with your H. Just make sure you hit a few bars too!

kittyandthefontanelles · 27/08/2012 23:02

I hope your nickname is tongue in cheek. You do know you didn't turn him, don't you? Nobody did. I'm sorry your marriage has ended. You say you kept asking him to leave?

Original poster

turnedexgay · 27/08/2012 23:05

I know I didn't it just seemed like an appropriate name

The marriage has not been good for a long time and I'm guessing this is why, he's been a bit of a git and seemed like he was trying to get me to make him leave rather than make the decision himself. It wont go down well with his family and that's probably why it taken him so long to do it.

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 27/08/2012 23:12

Well at least you know the reason why, it was not you, or him really just a bloke struggling with his sexuality that unfortunatley chose to get married.

Lets hope you both find happiness in your on way.

Original poster

turnedexgay · 27/08/2012 23:40

I think it has been sort of a relief since he told me, it makes sense of a few things I guess and I can't hold it against him really we were young when we married and he is a really nice guy really. Maybe we can make it as friends in the end and not just for the kids sake

OP posts:

kittyandthefontanelles · 28/08/2012 06:19

That's a lovely attitude, op. I do hope do too. Perhaps if its not too painful for you you might be able to support him through this. You are probably his closest friend and ally. good luck

kittyandthefontanelles · 28/08/2012 06:21

Oops sorry about mistakes. It's very early and I'm still bleary eyed! Good luck with your own journey too.

Original poster

turnedexgay · 28/08/2012 12:06

I'm going to do my best to support him kitty because I'm really not sure what reaction he is going to get from his very strict catholic family and I think part of why he married me at all was that he thought he should. I don't regret it and I don't think he does, we have two lovely children who neither of us would be without but I wish he hadn't had to turn so nasty towards the end and had just told me what was going on.

It's going to take me a while to get over the hurt and the horrible things he's done in the last year but I am already seeing the nice bloke I met many years ago coming back and it really is quite nice to see.

OP posts:

Bossybritches22 · 28/08/2012 12:10

Awww that's nice OP, you are being very philisophical abut it all. You're right maybe he should not have married you, but he did & you have your lovely DC's & now he has the maturity to be honest about his sexuality, maybe you can be good friends & better happier parents.

You are understandably hurt & that's natural as he was nasty at the end, plus you don't have the life you had hoped for.

How have the DC's taken it -has he come out to them yet?

Olympicnmix · 28/08/2012 12:14

As long as that's not at the expense of your own emotional well-being and also the dcs. Avoid getting into the situation my ExH envisaged: thrills with the OW AND the benefits of marriage.

Original poster

turnedexgay · 28/08/2012 12:36

He hasn't told the kids bossy, as far as I know he has only told me. He said he didn't want me finding out by accident or from anyone else. I'm not sure they are old enough to be all that bothered by it, I know they'll have questions but I've never been one to worry about their questions I answer every one as honestly as I can with the information I have so I will just have to do the same with this if he meets someone who is likely to meet them. I don't see that in the near future and neither does he so I think we're going to leave it for now.

I'm being very careful Olympicnmix to make sure that I only do what I want to which is not in anyway all he would like me to do. He's moved out and is living his life and I'm living mine which is currently much more curtailed than his because I have the kids all the time but that's my choice and best for them for now.

I can't say that I'm not upset that my life as I imagined when I got married is over or that I may have to share all the events of my childrens' lives with his new partner while explaining why there is an extra bloke around, it really isn't what I thought would happen all those years ago but I'd rather that than the kids growing up with a dad who hated himself and his situation so much he was a complete pain and really not very nice.

OP posts:

freddy05 · 28/08/2012 16:44

were you always the happy one OP the one who made everything ok for the kids and for him?

You sound like your attention is still being focused on him and helping him and making whatever he does ok for the kids as if it's all your responsibility and it's not. If he's gone and is living his life how he wants then he needs to give you some space the do the same not make you part of the new thing as if that will make it ok.

I'm worried for you OP and I don't think I'll be the only person round here who thinks you should be focusing on yourself a little more and him a little less.

Original poster

turnedexgay · 28/08/2012 20:15

do you really think I should be worried? does anyone? Am I too close to all this? I just thought I was trying to support him now he's finally made the decision but I don't want to do it at my expense.

you've got me a bit worried now!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 28/08/2012 20:20

I think your attitude towards him is good and positive but yes you must make time for yourself, start building yourself some good friendships etc.

Your ex will move on to new partners but may use you as an emotional crutch because he can IYSWIM.

Olympicnmix · 28/08/2012 21:16

You are helping H, you are plowing your energies into your dc...is there any room for nurturing you in that? What do you do when H has the dcs?

Original poster

turnedexgay · 28/08/2012 21:36

I know I need to put some time into myself but I haven't yet worked out quite what I want to do if that makes sense. The kids are only with ex for a few hours Saturday avo and Sunday avo at the minute because he has nowhere to have them stay. He is trying to sort something but it hasn't been sorted yet.

I have a night out planned for a few weeks from now and I'm going away over night in October although the kids will be with my parents not him for that.

I do need to be careful I think or I could end up as his sounding board and that won't be good for me however good it is for him. it is odd that he's doing this so quickly I think but moving on with life is what it was supposed to be about!

OP posts:

freddy05 · 29/08/2012 00:02

it is odd he's doing this so quickly and for that reason you need to be careful, if you only have a few hours without your children then you need to make the most of them be it meeting friends for a coffee of going to the gym but you need to do something. you can't watch him move on while you're still tied down all the time by the children you are both supposed to be responsible for.

Good luck.

Bossybritches22 · 29/08/2012 07:36

No don't be worried, it sounds like you are doing what is right for YOU, to enable you both to be happier people with each other & the kids. It's important you feel it is at your own pace.

You will be able to get into a routine with the kids & access & therefore have more time to look after your own needs.

It is early days, take each step as it comes.

Original poster

turnedexgay · 29/08/2012 12:19

Thanks Bossy

I'm hoping once he has somewhere to stay properly that the kids will be with him some weekends so I can go out and do things myself. I have decided for sure in my head that if he plays funny about having the kids stay over because he wants to be out and about that that will be the point any support from me ends. As long as he is happily getting on with his life and taking responsibility for his kids then I'll be there right behind him when he has to face telling people.

Thanks for the good luck freddy05 I might well need it.

OP posts:

freddy05 · 16/09/2012 22:44

How are things going OP? has your ex made a decision on what he's doing?

I hope you've put some time into yourself over the last couple of weeks and not just all into him and the kids.

Original poster

turnedexgay · 16/09/2012 23:20

honestly freddy05 I'm in shock

he's been away with a group of men this weekend doing his own thing and is very happy, so that is brilliant

I found out I was pregnant on Friday, can only be his must have happened right at the last.

serious shock but babies are fab and we had had a conversation about maybe trying donor conception together one day so I guess the world just took over and sorted it for us.

Thanks for asking

OP posts:

freddy05 · 17/09/2012 20:09

OMG that is a shock for you.

I'm sure there are lots of people around here who will offer help and advice if you need it. You really need to work out what you want once the baby's born and how you are going to get you time, he can't just walk away and get on with his life leaving you literally holding the baby.

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