Advice Re Toxic Mother

[Elephantshavewrinkles]

Background

I am 22 and still live at home. I have no kids yet but I can see me wanting a LO before long.
I simple can't afford to move out yet but am hoping to by this time next year and move in with my other half.

My mother is I believe toxic but I want your opinions about what to do.

Basically my mum is a well respected member of the community and to an outsider she is charismatic, chatty etc but to me she is quite rude.

firstly she calls me fat this has such a dramatic negative effect on my self esteem. She says I will die soon as I am so big. I do need to loose a bit maybe a stone but not loads and loads. She also says I never look nice because of my weight. If we go out for a meal (something I dislike with her) and I fancy a pud she will say such things as Oh you don't need that or you can't still be hungry.

She says that I always look like a tramp but then according to her. I never receive a complement ever about how I look.

My brothers civil ceremony is coming up. I brought a dress. She said that it was too much too dressy. Everone I have shown it to complements me and says it looks nice etc. Now I dont want to wear it and be judged.

I work as a LSA in a school. I love my job and I believe I am good at it. I am also doing a degree in my spare time. She thinks my job is pointless and that I am waisting my time doing it. she is also disappointed that I never went to uni at 18 so I could go into teaching s nothing I do now is good enough in her eyes.

I have loads more examples.

You simply can't stand up for yourself in the normal way with if your mother is like this. As Aussie said, it just proves to them that indeed you are the difficult person they have always maintained you are, and what a hard life and merry dance you have always led them (poor them, violins, tears, etc).

Minimum discussion about anything meaningful. Minimal contact when/where possible. Work on believing in yourself, rather than trying to change her.

Of course it will 'do no good' if what you mean is changing this person's behaviour, but it will do a lot of good to the OP's self-esteem. She's moving out soon anyway so they're not manacled to each other for life. Better to live one day as a lion than waste the next few months being a whimpering lamb. Why is everyone advocating the 'put up and shut up' approach to bullying all of a sudden?

Because it's just not that simple Cogito - we're not dealing with a normal person here. OP has lived with this toxic person all her life - this is her mother, not someone she has just met. She wants and needs certain things from her mother and so detaching from her emotionally can't just be done with a click of her fingers.

I have experienced the backlash that can go along with challenging a narc and it's not pleasant I can tell you - in my case it went on for months and rather than building up my self-esteem, I felt like the lowest piece of scum. I'm working with a psychotherapist to build myself back up and find happiness but it's the hardest thing I have ever done and I am nowhere near the end. I think OP is doing the right thing for her by treading carefully and biding her time, and trying to get support from people who are capable of listening and empathising.

Even apart from dealing with a narc, confrontation is just not everyone's cup of tea. There are various ways to deal with any situation - the hard thing is finding the one that works best for you.

I suspect you only feel like a failure because you don't like confrontation, felt guilty about tackling a mother, didn't keep challenging and you backed down. I don't know about 'narcs' but 'bullies' are the same wherever you find them.

'I don't know about 'narcs' but 'bullies' are the same wherever you find them'

Cogito, I'm sure you're trying to be helpful but there are other people on this thread who do have first hand experience with narcissists. Narcissists are not just difficult people or bullies - their emotions and behaviours are disordered and they need extremely careful handling. I agree with you that standing up to bullies can work in some situations but not everyone is the same and it's important for OP to find a safe way to deal with her situation.

another one here whose mother rearranged cupboards etc and even rearranged my handbag when I went out without it last time I visited.

dreadful

so, make plans for your stuff and your life, and focus on your new life with your partner, in a place of ypur own, etc etc

stay strong, it is not easy

but as someone above said, pls google narcisisstic personality disorder in mothers. Narc mothers are toxic. End of.