place your bets please...

[s0fedup]

Hi all
I posted a couple of dayd ago about my H and me being a "Selfish pig"
well, we have been civil but this is the second day of no conversation and basically ignoring each other. Very immature and petty I know.
The thing is, there is a script for the way rows happen with us that goes like this...
row
me in the wrong (no matter what)
him ignoring me
me insisting we sort it because of atmosphere around the dc.
it gets 'sorted'
resentment stays

so this time my question is this... do i continue to not attempt to talk? just how ling will tjis go on for?
I am fed up with always being the sodding peacemaker, in fact i dont thing there is anything to sort. Its just broken

Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

You already know the cycle and how it goes. It will go on for as long as you allow it to - I've read your other thread and sense a great deal of strength in you and I know you have the courage to build a better life for you and your children.

So don't apologise for things that aren't your fault. Let him continue ignoring you, if you can stay calm and continue without an atmosphere around the children, then act like he's not even there.
Speak to him if you have to in a calm voice but I certainly wouldn't be saying sorry to him.
It will soon freak him out if you're usually the one to do the apologising, he'll be waiting for your usual move but you need to show him you've had more than enough.

If you're finding it too difficult to remain cool around him, take the DC and get out as much as possible, leaving the sulking man child at home.

If you feel in your heart that it's truly broken, I would conserve my energy and not worry about achieving the upper hand in these futile arguments as they tend to drain you of the energy you need to be a better parent ime....Id just concentrate on achieving peace whilst working out what to do for the best.

Hard I know but I would just ignore the self important twat

turnip cake you have brought tears to my eyes. What a wonderful thing to say, thanku

I just went downstairs and he was happily watching one of his programmes whilst I am unpacking our suitcases/doing a massive spring clean of clutter.
I said its not a suitable programme to have on when the dc r around. He said "so Im not allowed to watch this?" i said no, not when the dc are here and I am busy.

He is now cooking, another diversion tactic, why on earth he doesnt engage with the kids instead is beyond me.

thanks dry and dondon. Again excellent advise; so glad I have found MN

Because you want him to, so he knows it annoys you if he doesn't.

What was the programme? I don't think you've helped your situation by saying he's not 'allowed' to watch TV because you're busy.

Stick with MN, s0fedup, there are so many people who have been in your situation (I wasn't married but was in an abusive relationship) and there are plenty pearls of wisdom.

yes I know, it just makes me sick that all he thinks of is what he wants to do, sod the kids.
Do any men actually want to spend time with their kids?
Programme was House, and it was a bit of a racy scene tbh.

He's a selfish pig, innit

I know plenty of great blokes who are devoted partners and wonderful fathers to their children - and I know some great step-fathers too

It would be the emotional rejection due to the fight that would get to me. So you can't say anything or even God forbid, be right in what you say without him copping a strop and behaving like a child until YOU say you're sorry, and he gets to pretend he was right and you are naughty?

Not respectful to anyone, that. I'd follow the others' advice and let him stew, just make sure you're OK doing whatever you are doing, and try not to feel too upset that it has come to this.

i feel oddly calm but have butterflies in my tum...
he has cooked a fantastic dinner for us all which is really nice I know, but I'd have been happy with fishfingers and him really playing with the dc instead.

Could he be actually feeling sorry but unable/unwilling to say so, and be showing you by making a nice meal? Perhaps it is worth assuming that and giving him a hug and saying thanks for a nice meal without going back over the argument?
You sound lovely but if your usual method doesn't resolve things I agree you should try something different.

I wouldn't give the benefit of the doubt, Lemon. From s0fedup's previous thread, it's clear this man is an abuser.

lemon I think there could be an ounce of truth to that but I am so totally worn down by it all I feel like I have nothing more to give.
Just ate the dinner (it was yummy) and I said thanks.

I am taking Dc1 out blackberrying now, an he has not mentioned that its nearly bathtime... he is usually fanatical about getting them in bed by 7

Good for you! in eating the dinner and being grateful, you behaved like the fully grown adult that you are. A leaf he needs to learn from your book.

He may feel that it's a peace offering but if he can't express his regret and offer his apology where needed then that's HIS problem. I wouldn't accept the meal as an apology.

If you have a point to make or an issue with something he's doing/not doing, then don't be drawn into an argument about it, say what you have to e.g "That programme's not really suitable for young eyes, there's plenty time to watch it later when DC are in bed"......Don't be drawn into the "so, I'm not allowed to watch it" type conversations as this gives him ammo to blame you, iyswim.

Enjoy BB picking, hope you get lots.

2 tubs of blackberries! going to attempt a pie tomorrow... H is back to work.
I am also contemplating going to mums for a few days, we cam both think then.

Mmm blackberry pie :)

Few days away will do you good, space to think and work out what you want to do next.

just to add, I am oficially a pie making queen (wink)

I mean