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Original poster

He is visiting the ex for the weekend - practical reassurance required!

19 replies

Challen · 27/08/2012 14:29

The chap I am currently seeing is going away for a long weekend a few hundred miles away, to help his ex move house.
He is travelling with her best friend and they will all be staying at the ex's house.

Whilst I am confident there will be nothing dubious occuring, because I am not a jealous type, these new feelings are alarming me somewhat.
His ex has on a couple of occasions phoned him late at night whilst knowing I would be there, at midnight and around 1am, again the next morning.
It made me feel as if she thought I was so insignificant to him, she could rightly interrupt our time together.
And it is also a little disrespectful to him, isn't it?
They propbably text daily and I know they speak a few times a week by phone.

What worries me, is that here is an opportunity for 3 or 4 days, to spend a lot of time with him on a one-to-one basis, of course the three of them will be socialising a little whilst there, going to pubs, shopping, etc.
But I am worried in case she plants little seeds of doubt in his mind about me, as he has already dropped me once after he panicked about hurting people the first time she rang late at night when I was there. She may suggest to him that he really isn't ready for being involved with someone new, when in fact we are bumbling along well enough. It could be enough time for him to be convinced he and I should remain just platonic friends.

What I would like to hear, are not 'dump him!' responses because he is entirely over her I am sure of this, but reassurance that I am being completely unwarranted in my worries. I know it's possible to remain good friends with an ex - I did it myself.
Shall I just blank out the weekend? It's not as if I don't have more important things to worry about (I have been given notice to leave my rented home and the absent children's father has just applied for custody) Sad

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 27/08/2012 14:38

If you are sure he is entirely over her and are confident hat nothing dubious will occur, I fail to see why you are worried. Either you are sure of him or you're not.

HeathRobinson · 27/08/2012 14:45

I think if he's so swayed by the ex's 'little seeds of doubt', do you really want him? I know I wouldn't, I want a man who is unreservedly in mty corner, as it were.
You could just see how he is when he gets back and take it from there.

In the meantime, could you focus on your other problems?

HeathRobinson · 27/08/2012 14:45

Tch, my, not mty.

IvanaNap · 27/08/2012 14:50

Ex GF or wife? Of how long? DC involved?

AmberLeaf · 27/08/2012 14:54

he is entirely over her I am sure of this

I wouldn't be so sure.

but reassurance that I am being completely unwarranted in my worries. I know it's possible to remain good friends with an ex

If you are worried then there are doubts in your mind.

Phoning at 1am is dubious. She may not be an EX.

chipsandmushypeas · 27/08/2012 14:54

Nah, sorry. I would hate that. Especially the calling at 1am

dequoisagitil · 27/08/2012 14:55

It seems an unusual closeness between them, and I don't think it's acceptable for anyone to be calling in the middle of the night (unless it's an emergency).

You don't seem that sure of his feelings for you. If all you get is crumbs and he gives a lot of his energy to this ex in comparison, you might want to question why you're with him a bit more strongly. 'But I love him' is not a good enough answer if you don't feel like the most important person to him.

TurnipCake · 27/08/2012 15:01

You have doubts in your mind because your instinct is telling you something is up.

You're saying a lot about her disrespectful behaviour, but is he showing respectful behaviour to you? She calls at 1am - and he answers? She has already planted some seeds so to speak and he dropped you. He is travelling hundreds of miles and spending a long weekend with her. These are his actions.

I'm good friends with an ex-boyfriend I went out with years ago. He has had several girlfriends since and I wouldn't dream of behaving in the way this guy's ex is behaving towards him. She's crossing lines, but so is he, in my opinion.

therewearethen · 27/08/2012 16:06

I certainly wouldn't be happy about my DP helping his ex to move! Has she got no other friends or family to help, and even if the answers no then she has to get a removal company in, simple! It would piss me off no end that he still went running to help her and it's not even around the corner is it, he's taking the entire weekend to help someone who isn't his responsibility to help or even care about any more.

The phone calls at stupid o'clock would piss me off as well, I wouldn't dream of calling my friends or family at that time unless there was a genuine emergency like my DD heaven forbid, was in hospital or something and then tbh I would think twice given how late it is.

Having said that I'm not a big fan of anyone being friends with their ex, if there are kids involved then sure you need to be civil and maybe if there are weddings etc with DC involved it's ok to have a drink and a chat but with new partners involvement and providing the new partners don't have an issue with it. Maybe I'm a lot more jealous/insecure than you are tho Blush

RabidAnchovy · 27/08/2012 16:14

If they have no children then I do not see why he needs to help her move.
I think he is far far from over her TBH

dequoisagitil · 27/08/2012 16:27

Who ended the relationship, her or him?

izzyizin · 27/08/2012 16:59

If he dumps you on his return you'll know 'he really isn't ready for being involved with someone new'.

In the meantime, I suggest you put your mind to resolving those far 'more important' worries by finding a new home and instructing a solicitor in respect of your ex's application for custody.

Madmum24 · 27/08/2012 17:32

This should be the least of your worries. I would be much more concerned about keeping my kids and having a roof over their heads.

homeofhelp · 28/08/2012 19:05

does he have children with his ex if so I can understand him wanting to help her move if not then there is no reason for him to help her. "His ex has on a couple of occasions phoned him late at night whilst knowing I would be there, at midnight and around 1am, again the next morning.
It made me feel as if she thought I was so insignificant to him, she could rightly interrupt our time together"
he answers the phone so he doesn't seem to bothered about the time you spend together
"And it is also a little disrespectful to him, isn't it" its disrespectful to you as he answers the phone at such a time. how do you he is over her? theses would be alarm bells for me to be honest. you are worried because you think you have something to be worried about. you think she is going to convince him to leave you, if a such a thing can happen then he isnt worth it as a real man knows his own mind and wouldn't let anyone plant seeds in his head. in my opion he isn't over her it seems she says jump and he does.

however you do have way more important things to worry about. you need to get a solicitor ASAP. i would also go to CAB (citizen advice) they sometimes have solicitors who work there or they can put you in touch with one. they can also tell you if your in tiled to legal aid. they may be able to give you advice on the housing situation as well. also try your local council as well they may give you emergency accommodation.

Original poster
Challen · 29/08/2012 15:38

There are no children involved. He left her. He has gone now now anyway, appeared to forget to say goodbye to me, a little text would have gone a short way Hmm
I certainly wouldn't entertain the idea of travelling a few hundred miles for a social visit with my ex, staying in his home, helping him lug some furniture about, etc. particularly as he has friends and help.

This lady does have people to help her out down there. She also has a new boyfriend who could have moved some furniture for her.
I am generally pretty naieve about people, I guess if he thought it was perfectly appropriate to stay at her house, when he has told me he would not allow her to stay at his if she visited, then it already speaks volumes to me. Ah, well ..

The other issues are of course a priority. This question is mooted in the spaces between reading up on eviction and custody issues online.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 29/08/2012 15:42

Going 100s of miles out of his way to help an ex? hmm...why would you? I'd concentrate on getting things sorted with your DC if I were you.

SoleSource · 29/08/2012 16:41

If he wants to leave you he will. There isn't anything you can do about it. Just try and dump him first.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2012 17:27

Errrk, he has pissed off without a goodbye to help an ex move house when there are no dc involved and plenty of other hands on deck

overlooking the fact that you would have quite liked some support with some major issues of your own just now

I hate to roll out the cliche, but love he just isn't into you

take my advice, cut your losses and find someone who is as into you, as you are them

izzyizin · 29/08/2012 18:38

Post on the Legal matters board for advice re eviction law and custody issues.

It would be advisable to create 2 separate threads to take account of these 2 very different matters.

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