Friendship advice (no spouses involved)

[flyingcloud]

Haven't been on MN in ages and ages and need a bit of friendship advice but don't want to be too explicit in the details (apologies in advance for drip feeding).

How do you react when close friends do things that make you like them less to the point where you stop liking them at all? I have a close, but not long-standing friend, who has been incredibly kind to me. However she also has a side to her character that makes me uncomfortable. She says and does mean things. I know that sounds straight from the school yard, but I really struggle to put up with it. They are never addressed to me, but they can be about her children, which I find intolerable and about other people, often close friends.

We had an uncomfortable conversation recently where she was incredibly vitriolic about a very close mutual friend's DH. I was shocked and did the cowardly thing of not reacting initially as I hate confrontation. She has since tried to explain her feelings and given the opportunity I explained mine too. I am not good at confrontation, but I bluntly told her that I found her behaviour unacceptable.

She has since told me that she is a complete mess and doesn't know where to turn and she feels terrible at how she has behaved.

I have to say that I don't really like her that much anymore, but I don't want to be horrible. Our lives are very intertwined and we have a lot of mutual friends. I feel like I need to find a way to like her again (she does have some wonderful qualities), but I am just not sure how.

I think this is a complex situaiton, as you say, you have been friends and your lives are intertwined but you don't like her as much as you used to. Can you just back a way a little bit so you see her less on a 1:1 basis but it's still ok when you're both in the mix with others? Alternatively, you were very brave letting her know how you felt, and her response seems a good one. Are you struggling to forgive her?

Thank you. I am not very brave. I have sat in silence plenty of times but she went too far.

I don't need to forgive her for anything, she hasn't said or done anything mean to me.

I am struggling to spend time with her and other people when I know she has been unkind about them.

OP, I realise you are a loyal person but there must be more too it than just being upset about her being vitriolic about a friend's DH. As long as you are fair and kind about people them you must try not to let this affect you any further.

I have some fabulously bitchy friends who would stick knives in anyone, however they have other brilliant qualities and life is full of different types of characters. If they were being racist or homophobic or taking a strong stance on an issue I felt strongly about then, yeah, I'd tackle them. But just 'ooh, I thought Jane was looking very grey, is too old for spandex and she definitely needs to lose some weight' probably wouldn't get a response either way.

Why are you being so judgemental?

I think you may have done her a huge favour and this might make her rethink her attitude. If you are feeling so uncomfortable around her time to listen to your gut instinct as it normally right.

I think you may have done her a huge favour and this might make her rethink her attitude. If you are feeling so uncomfortable around her time to listen to your gut instinct as it normally right.

Thank you all.

Sundae you are right. She is a refreshingly candid friend who is often funny and often says the things that other people don't. Sometimes she goes too far as it's not always about the 'victims' of her barbs but about the person who is listening to her. She put me in an awkward and supremely uncomfortable position. But she knows she stepped over that fine line and is clearly regretting it.

In turn I need to work on my ability to get over it. I am struggling with that but I need to find a way for us to be comfortable in each other's company while recognising the limits of our friendship.

I think she has a few issues: she may have suffered from PND, which explains the way she sometimes speaks about her children as I think there may be some real bonding issues there. She has never really confided in me about that so it's hard to know and I still sometimes struggle to digest her comments about one child in particular.