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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

They never, ever, change!

7 replies

fraggle500 · 27/08/2012 13:43

Just want to rant really. Brief history - My EX partner, father to DS left us 9 years ago when DS was just 2.

He was/is? an alcoholic ,
Fathered a child a few years later, walked out on that child aged 1 month
Lied, Lied, Lied... you name it he lied about it.

Anyway, my son has been in phone contact and the occasional visit over the last year and half...( at my DS wishes, not his fathers I add).

I have bent over backwards to facilitate these phone calls/meeting, Ie Phone him when he's got no credit on his phone, have him and his girlfriend, with her son at my house to visit. I do this so my son feels happy and secure.

He was meant to visit last week, he cancelled the day before, no explication,just said he would re-arrange. I later found out him and gf went to a spa for the day. He didn't call last night as arranged either. So I text this morning, asking if there was a problem due to cancelled day and no phone call. I then received one hour of abusive texts.

Saying that I've ruined his life, I'm unfair, a bully, kept his son away from him, never to speak to him again, I turned him to drink, I kicked him out of his home and was seeing OM, I frighten him, I can't lecture him any more, on and on it goes.

To say I'm upset is an understatement. He was having affair NOT me, he ran up lot's of debt, he never paid CM, he never turned up in the early days to see his son, was in pub drunk. I could go on and on.

Sorry for the long rant....just needed to get it off my chest. Even now, 8 years on the unfairness is just crippling.

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/08/2012 13:48

Why do you care what he thinks? You know everything he's said is a lie, no-one who knows you can possibly give a toss about his version of events after all this time. The bigger issue is him letting your son down at the last minute.

Presumably you have no need to contact him for a while - I honestly would just block his number until you feel ready to deal with him in a completely matter-of-fact way for your son's benefit.

fraggle500 · 27/08/2012 13:54

I know, you'r right. I've told him to contact my son on Ds mobile as arranged. I just feel that the minute I challenge him, about letting DS down he sees it as his right to be abusive. It's always ok as long as I don't rock the boat!! I can I stand up for my son with out causing a big fall out? My son is completely unaware of today's going on's.

OP posts:
fraggle500 · 27/08/2012 13:55

How can

OP posts:
CookieRookie · 27/08/2012 14:00

Sorry I can't stay long, I'm in work. Just wanted to let you know I'm going through an almost identical situation and have just posted about.

Was thinking about changing my number but think why should I go through all that bother, which it most definitely would. I've decided to get a solicitor after 11 years of the same crap. Would you consider that?

tribpot · 27/08/2012 14:03

I just feel that the minute I challenge him, about letting DS down he sees it as his right to be abusive

That's because he's an abusive arse. Are you surprised? He sounds like a complete dick.

How can I stand up for my son with out causing a big fall out?

To be honest, it sounds like you can't. You've approached him in an entirely reasonable way and he's gone off on one at you anyway. So I think you have a few choices:

  • expect that, if you pick him up on poor behaviour with regards to your ds, he will respond with pathetic accusations like the ones you've had today. Ignore them and/or remind him that harassment of this nature via text is actually illegal.
  • put your contact arrangements on a legal footing via a solicitor, with all correspondence going through the same route. (I suspect this means you will never hear from him again).
  • as your ds is 11, leave it up to him to question his father about the rearrangement of plans. I understand you don't want to make this your ds' problem, nor for him to be on the receiving end of a stream of abuse from his dad, but you can send the messages together from ds' phone if need be.

What there is absolutely no need to do is allow his stupid ranting to affect or upset you.

fraggle500 · 27/08/2012 14:09

Hi, thank you so much for your replies and taking the time to do so. I'm just off out now with DS so will be thinking about kind advice and report back later.

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/08/2012 14:12

Enjoy your day - don't let him spoil it. I'd imagine that's it for today at least, so make the most of this glorious bank holiday weather (that's sarcasm if you're anywhere near me, where it is pissing down in the traditional stylee).

And just think, next year you can celebrate 10 whole years away from the miserable sod. Good times!

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