troubled marriage

[ellliebelle]

Dont really know what i want anyone to say but think ill feel better just writing this down.

Things with dh and i havent been right for quite a while now and i havent been able to workbout what is wrong. I have been so unhappy and he clearly has too. Ive asked him to tell me what icn do to fix thi gs but he doesnt know :(

Last night had a massive heart to heart and came to the realisation that although i love him dearly and cant bear the thought of being without him neither of us make the other happy anymore and are not necessarily the kind of people we each envisiged ourselves being married to.

I just dont know what to do i feel sooo miserable i love my dh but notvreally sure how we can come back from this :(

Sorry to sound a bit nitpicking and scoldy - not meant that way - but it isn't your responsibility to make each other happy. Your happiness as individuals needs to come from within yourselves iyswim. If you're not happy in your marriage, I think it's important to see the distinction.

I hope you can work it out.

How long have you felt this way do you think? I'm sure you know all relationships have normal highs and lows - has it been more than a year? Are your DC small? Do you think there is any hope eg couples therapy?

littlemiss dc's are 5 and almost 3 and i am pregnant with dc3 :( i have probably felt like this on and off for almost a year like you say there have been highs and lows in that period and at the moment it seems to be a particulary bad low. I dont see a light atvthe end of the tunnel but am willing to try counceling etc i just feel so miserable and dont see how when we seem to have such different priorities/wants/needs from life how things can get any better :(

If you're both so unhappy and have been for more than a year, can I ask why on earth you're having another child? Surely, having a child when your relationship is this bad already is about the worst idea ever.

Hey, Juneau, she wouldn't be the first in her situation to have another child - I did exactly the same thing and don't regret it for a single nanosecond.

Did you mean your post to sound so sharp?

Well, yeah I did. She's had two children already, so she must know what a lot of strain having a new baby puts on a relationship. If the relationship is in dire straits then surely it's only going to add to their problems.

It's not at all unusual, there's even the name 'sticking plaster baby' for it, juneau.

Op, it would probably be worth trying Relate or something like that to see what can be worked out between you. If there are massive gulfs between what you want in life long-term, then perhaps it is the end of the road, but if it's possible that you've both lost sight of each other due to having small children/everyday drudgery, maybe you can get back on the same page as a couple.

Gentle reminder - it's Relationships not AIBU and people come here to ask for advice/support not to be 'told off'.

Thanks to those of you with advice it really helps just to hear a kind word sometimes. juneau the pregnancy wasnt planned i was actually on the pill. I come feom a broken home myself an the last thing i ever wanted yo do was put children through the heartache i suffered as a child so i would never purposely bring another child into a troubled relationship......
On my phone so cant remember who said it but i do think the mundaneness of everyday life ,struggling by with little money to have fun with and dealing with the unplanned pregnancy is probably taking its toll on us. I just kind of feel dh has given up on us :(

If he will go to Relate with you, it might help. Even one session can be quite useful if you're both willing to share thoughts.

Ellie, I don't want to minimise your sadness or disappointment, but I really believe that you can get through this. Mostly I just lurk on here, but your post seems different, please please try counseling. It's also worth keeping in mind that for just about everyone, you are in the toughest phase of life at the moment. But 4 years (sounds like a lifetime, but it's not) down the line everything will be completely different - your hormones, your children, probably your finances too. Hang in there, and ask for help in RL too.

littlemiss thank you for your post your right 4 years does sound forever and i think dh thinks very much in the here and now but you make a valid point and i do feel that our relationship is worth workingat and im hoping last night i convinced him of that too. He is back at work this morning and im struggling to get motivated and put on a brave face for my dd's. We are all going away for a few nights on thursday and again im hoping that will be an enjoyable expeeience and he might see what he will loose if we dont work things through fingera crossed

In that case, I take it back. If you still love each other, there is hope. Have you talked about Relate or similar? I've found the childbearing stage of my relationship to be very hard at times. The hormones, the stress of only one income, the differences in our lifestyles - him working and me not, the tiredness, the mundane day-to-day grind, the lack of alone time as a couple, etc. You both have to want it to work though - does he want to give it a go?

Ellie, hope you're having a good time away together. Xx

You may not realise it, but you can have a form of post partum depression during a pregnancy. ( I did!) With 2 small children, what sounds like tight finances and pregnant on top, no wonder you are having difficulty in finding any joy in life. Do seek counselling with your husband. I suspect it is the above external stressors that are the real problem. If there is love between you two in the long term this can carry you past your current problems. I think you are in the middle of them so cannot see beyond your situation, but if you can work on your relationship and make it stronger you & DP & DC will all benefit. Splitting up will not make things better. Good luck & keep posting.