Sad, guilty and confused

[MoelFammau]

This post is going to be very long. Apologies to anyone embarking on it - you're very brave.

I'm 34 and have been married for just over 2 years to a lovely, kind, gentle fellow. We have a 16mo daughter together. We've hit a really tough patch and I just don't know how best to handle it.

My background is that I had a very abusive childhood and teen-hood, right up until I finally escaped at 24. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and this resulted in me being constantly verbally and physically assaulted, as well as emotionally blackmailed. I self-harmed daily from age 9. My two sisters, myself and my father all considered suicide on separate occasions, it was that terrible.

I came out as gay to my family when I was 24. My mother knocked me to the floor and kicked my repeatedly in the ribs, then blanked me for 4 months. My sisters and father were under instructions to do the same. I was living at home and it knocked the last bit of confidence I had. I left home and took work in London, where I was sexually assaulted. I moved repeatedly, working all over Europe and gradually started to recover. I met my husband 4 years ago and we began a gentle relationship that neither side expected to last more than a few weeks. Before this point, I'd never had a relationship, never kissed anyone, never touched anyone. He was my first in every way.

We married just over 2 years ago and we had our daughter 8 months later. I love them both so much, but I'm finding it so so hard to be sexually attracted to my husband. I know in my heart I'm still gay. I often lash out verbally at him and am not being very nice to be around. I feel trapped, stressed and so so guilty for getting him and my daughter into this situation. I should've known better.

My husband explored his sexuality when younger (he's 8 years older than I am), and he has a 'gay side' if I can call it that. It was partly the reason we connected so well in the early days - we each understood the pressures of trying to be what family demand of you. The difference is that he explored this and I was too blocked. I bitterly regret this, I really do.

My husband has generously suggested that maybe I should take the pressure off and dip into some gay culture, see if I feel comfortable, see if it answers any questions. Not cheat (I couldn't and wouldn't), but meet up and become more engaged in this side of things. I think this is such a kind gesture and one that a lot of men wouldn't even contemplate. I just don't know if I should do it or not though.

My husband is my best friend and my daughter's father. What if I do find out that I'm gay? What if I then find a girl I love? My husband (possibly jokingly) suggested we could make a 4 parent home with our daughter - not conventional but who cares as long as everyone is happy and fulfilled. I just don't know what to do. I feel I've ruined my husband's life, my daughter's life and I'm so paralysed with guilt that I can't breathe. I feel I've let my own damaged background affect the people I love.

I'd be so so grateful of any advice or support,

Moel

Oh that's really tricky, I can understand why you feel such regret.

I think as your DH is saying to you that you should explore it, then you should. At least you can keep it out in the open as he is happy with it, there wouldn't need to be any sneaking around, and it's something he has experienced too. :)

Your husband sounds like a wonderful & wise man.
He's right, you need to explore that side of yourself or you will never settle at all.
Your damaged background doesn't help, but even straight people from the most boring backgrounds could easily be having same dilemma.

I'm so lucky to have such a caring guy, I really do appreciate that. Hence the overwhelming feelings of guilt. He doesn't deserve this at all.

Guess I'll join a casual gay hiking group or something and see how it feels. The last time I tried (pre-husband) I was paralysed with fear and really hated the experience. Maybe it'll be the same, maybe different,

Thank you to both of you for taking the time to respond to my post.

How amazing are both of you. It's so lovely to hear of a marriage that goes through pain yet the two people involved are close enough to support each other through it. Well done to both of you.

If you need to explore it your husband seems to be very understanding and maybe he is right. A happy house is far better for a dc than a conventional set up that is unhappy IMO.

I have two initial thoughts here.

Your husband has been your first in everyway, yet you still identify as gay. Could it be because you wanted to find a different way when you were young and abused and that was the way you found? Not saying that you're not gay or bi but wondering if there is another reason why you identified that way without having any experience of a relationship or sexual encounter with another woman. Could it have been a fantasy (we all have them) that became your Utopia away from the horrific life you had?

Also, his "4 parent family" idea. I wonder if thats because he is feeling that there is something missing for him too, and while you are a loving couple (that comes across very strongly in your post) and a strong family, perhaps he thinks that you could both satisfy that other need in yourselves whilst also being that loving couple and strong family?

Have you ever had counselling to deal with your horrible family situation? Are you still in touch with your mother, father and sisters?

I think that joint and individual counselling would help you both work out where you want to go from here. Its clear that you love him very much and he loves you, so counselling would help you both to see how you can keep and nuture that love whilst also answering the questions you have.

I wish you both the best :)

Bogeyface said it so much better than I could, so I'll just second her opinion. All the best to you both.

Hi BogeyFace, yes my husband has been my first everything. I have no idea how gay would feel in reality as I've never experienced it. I do know that I'm not and have never been comfortable with naked men, husband included :-( I don't find men sexually attractive and never have. Women I do. It's just a feeling. A bit like a straight teenager knowing they're straight before they actually try it. I can't really explain it any other way.

It's the fact I have no idea which has caused my ridiculously supportive husband to suggest giving me the space to find out some things and answer some questions. I just don't know whether to accept the offer. Whether it would make things worse. I worry for my daughter and for my husband.

His 4-parent idea was half in jest, I think he was trying to say that I shouldn't worry about convention and that we'll find a way to be a great family for our daughter whatever happens. I know we don't satisfy each other at all sexually. I feel very very tense in this situation and I always have. Obviously we have managed but it's not been enjoyable for me and I think this affects him - bit of a confidence crusher I should imagine.

I've never had counselling. I once went on an NHS waiting list when I'd cut myself so badly I ended up in the emergency room but I had to move to another country before I got an appointment. I can't afford private. We're in debt and really struggling financially.

Thank you all so much for your advice. Really appreciated.

Make an appointment with your GP and get yourself referred for NHS counselling.

In the meantime, go to youtube and check out Brad Yates' EFT (emotional freedom technique) videos. Click on any title that has resonance for you and repeat Brad's words while following his actions - you can try as many as you want as often as you want.

And take your cue from your eminently sensible and wise dh - as long as you're harming no-one, it's not necessary to observe convention by living in the monogamous heterosexual manner favoured by Western society.

I have to completely disagree with one point bogeyface. You don't need to experience a sexual encounter to know your sexuality. Just because moel has never had an experience with a woman she can still know she's gay.

I'm sorry you've had such problems so far moel. I think you should definitely find some counselling, it would probably be very beneficial for you. Perhaps take your husband up on his offer and explore your feelings and sexuality. I wish you the very best.